Reaction to The Porn Path

I just finished watching this message, The Porn Path preached by Mark Driscoll, and it was heart wrenching. And I don't just mean, "Oh, that sucks, I feel sad about that." It feels like my heart is clenched in my chest right now. I can't really even adequately describe what my emotions are at the moment.

I usually make it a point not to blog when I'm feeling an extreme emotion, because things get said in the heat of the moment that are regretted later. But in this case, I want to write while I'm still feeling the weight and impact of what Pastor Mark spoke on and the former porn star he interviewed said. I don't really want to be logical and removed about this. I'm not writing in hot-headed anger or woe-is-me despair or I-want-attention-look-at-me low self esteem......it's just this heavy brokenness over what I've just heard.

I cried multiple times, and not just over the broken lives spoken of in the sermon, but for myself, how my life has been affected, in ways both overt and subtle. From a broken relationship to the way I feel walking alone on the street.

And also for those I know who are afflicted by the plague of pornography: My ex who felt bad and oh-so-sorry every time, but who eventually cheated on me, refusing to see how little sins lead to bigger ones, more concerned over having a good reputation than being honest and seeking help. (I can only hope he's changed since I broke up with him....)
The guy who molested me--I can only imagine what led him to do that. Perhaps he was abused himself. Maybe he was just acting out what he'd seen somewhere. Either way, his view of sexuality and how to treat females got messed up somewhere along the line.

I mourn for the innumerable men who are currently in Bible college, destroying future ministries, disqualifying themselves, paving the path to the ruin of their marriages, setting themselves up for limited or no eternal impact, stunted spiritual lives....because they've gotten sucked in to the black hole of pornography. Their relationships with their wives and children being eaten away with every page view.

My heart is broken for the women and children whose lives are being shattered. Not only the wives and girlfriends who feel second rate to a 2-D Photoshopped image, feeling like they can never measure up, but for the porn stars as well. Those women are being destroyed too. Thinking that they'll find acceptance or love...and only getting shame and emptiness out of the bargain. They're just as much a victim.

It's not right. I don't care what you think, it's. just. not. right.

I don't want to share my future husband with a computer screen.
I don't want to feel unsafe in my own neighborhood, because men view women as something to be used and not cherished.
I don't want my sisters' future relationships to end the way mine did.
I don't want any more broken marriages, because porn is more titillating than your spouse.
I don't want more women destroyed, because they're only wanted for their bodies and not their hearts.
I don't want children's innocence ripped away from rape and abuse, predominantly by adults they know and trust to protect them.

How many more hearts need to be ripped to shreds before we get it?

And the answer isn't found in just changing our outward behavior, adjusting what we do. The only way that healing and true change is going to come is to realize that we need to go to our hearts. We can modify the behavior all we want, but the addiction will still be there. The emptiness still won't be filled. The longings for true intimacy won't be met. And we will still be trapped in sin.

The cliche' way to end this would be to say, "What we need is Jesus! And it'll all be better!" The world does need his love and grace. But we also need his destroying our sin, removing the person we once were and transforming us into his likeness. And that's not easy. People get discouraged because they think once they repent, everything's going to be cupcakes and roses. It's work. It takes dedication and perseverance to keep going. We don't break habits in a day. And addictions don't generally magically go away.

Just.....watch the message. Be broken. And be changed.

The wonder of lunch at Kikugawa

This past Sunday afternoon I went out to lunch with a friend from church at Kikugawa, a Japanese restaurant in Northeast Minneapolis. I've walked and driven by it many times on my way to the Wilde Roast Cafe (one of my favorite restaurants) next door. Every time I've seen the paper lanterns softly glowing in the windows, I've made a mental note to stop in there...sometime. I just don't like going out to eat by myself, especially if it's a new place, because it's a lot more fun to share that experience with someone else. If it's a good meal, you have that shared joy of discovering a new treasured place to eat. If it's bad, you have someone to commiserate with and laugh about it later. Anyways, it's been at the back of my mind to go there for a while.

I loved it, and not just because the food was delicious. I will admit I am easily pleased, so it doesn't take much to make me happy. And I've also never eaten at a Japanese restaurant before. But from the tasty udon to the view to the quiet music, it was kind of magical. It may sound silly, but it felt like I stepped into a Miyazaki movie.

Maybe the more jaded of you might think I'm far too juvenile, to find enjoyment in things like the banners hanging over the entrance of the restaurant and the classical Japanese music softly playing in the background. It was just after noon when we got there, so there really weren't too many other people there. A couple was seated several tables away, and there was a small group further inside celebrating someone's birthday, but that was about it. My friend and I just talked and looked out over the river, the occasional jogger going by, actually managing to eat most of our food with chopsticks. It was the best kind of solitude, if that makes sense.

I don't know, I find something fantastical about experiences like this. I tend to see magic and wonder in the so called "little things." I just get a lot of joy from something as simple as sharing a tasty meal with good company. I enjoy mountaintops and sweeping vistas just as much as the next person, but there's a quiet thrill in discovering new places right near where I live. Things like finally checking out a new store that I've been driving by every day for the past two months to discover they have very cute and affordable clothes; or taking a different route home just to see what's down a different street; just shaking myself out of my routine and forcing myself to look at the world around me with fresh eyes.

I like to think of it as being a tourist in my own city. When you're from out of town, everything is exciting and worth investigating. "What's that place? Why is that big sign there? What's over here? Let's go down these steps or walk across this bridge." It's easy to drive by something all the time and just not see it anymore. Or telling yourself, "Oh, I'll get there someday sometime, just not today."

If I see something interesting and I don't really have anything on my agenda, I'll stop, just to say I checked it out. The worst that could happen is that it's not really that neat, but it only took five minutes or whatever out of my day--no big loss. However, if it's awesome, then I have a discovery to share! That's how I found my favorite places to get chai tea, the perfect sandwich, good quality shoes, excellent bread, and now Japanese food: I took the time to explore simply because it's fun and you never know what you might discover.

Promises, promises

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6 (NIV)

Another version says, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a while, and I just need to write/kvetch/ramble about it.

I tend to have fairly low expectations of people in general. I've learned through hard experience to not expect much from others. I don't see it as being cynical so much as realistic. I assume that the majority of what people say they'll do they won't actually follow through on. I run into an old college acquaintance from time to time and he always says something to the effect of, "We should get coffee sometime and catch up." I'm not holding my breath waiting for that. I've figured out that it's his passive aggressive Minnesotan way of trying to save face. I just want to say, "You know what? Just say 'See you around,' and leave it at that. Don't pretend to be excited to see me if you're not. Just be yourself and quit being a fake." If you don't like someone or have no intention of furthering your interactions beyond pleasantries, just leave it at that--don't make trite promises. The more you spout empty platitudes, the less people respect you.  "Let your no be no, and your yes be yes." Know what I'm saying?

I've met far too many people who promise too much too lightly. Relationships aren't built in a day or merely on a Facebook friend request. Don't tell me we're going to get together to do this or that every time I see you--just do it. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan, and actually follow through on it. If you initiate, don't leave me hanging. If you want to get together, it's on you to suggest something. Being evasive or indecisive ("Oh, I don't care, I'm fine with wherever you want to go") is not being polite, it's annoying, passive aggressive and ticks me off. If someone comes to me and says, "Hey, are you free next Thursday? I'd really like to get together with you. How about the Dunn Bros by my house?" That day might not work for me, but it shows that you're serious about furthering our friendship.

Talk is cheap and easy, action takes some effort. Especially at the beginning of getting to know someone, there's a lot of work involved up front. You have to establish some foundation to build your friendship on. It's easy when you see that person all the time at school or work, you kind of have to interact. And then it's easy to think you have more of a friendship than you really do. Once the class is over, or you get a different job, that's when you find out how serious someone is about staying in touch.

I don't expect or want every interaction I have with people to turn into something more. I hold to cultivating quality relationships over juggling a large quantity of people I kind of know. I don't and can't pretend that I'm best buds with everyone I come into semi-regular contact with. I genuinely don't like some people, and that's okay. I enjoy being around others that I know our interactions will never go beyond banter and pleasantries, and that's okay too. There are friends I have known for years that I don't get to see very often, and that's okay as well. And there are those people I just click with that I will still know when we're old and gray. So, there are different levels of friendship, not everyone is going to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR. It actually took me awhile to accept that too. I've realized that I can't be bosom buddies with everyone and that it's actually better if I only have a handful of really close friends. I don't have to strive to make a deep connection with everyone I meet. That's too exhausting and spreads myself too thin. I need to figure out who's worth investing in and to what degree.

If I say I want to get together with someone to get to know them, I genuinely mean it. It's not just something I say to finish a conversation. I long for real relationships in this shallow, "Well, I have 2,000 Facebook friends," culture that we live in. It's a constant struggle to be real though; it's kind of scary to be vulnerable and leave yourself open to the possibility of getting rejected and hurt. So much of my time is spent masking who I am and presenting a facade of pleasantness (hello, retail!). That's part of my job--you leave your personal problems at home and give good customer service. You need to be pleasant and hold your tongue, which is to be expected in that environment. I don't want to hear customers' sob stories and they don't need to hear mine. However, it's hard to turn that mindset off and engage with people in other social settings. I find myself slipping into retail mode and talking about the weather when it's okay to go a little deeper. It's easy and safer, but it's empty. You're just filling the silence instead of actually saying anything of substance.

At the end of the day, I don't want my mouth to say something completely different from what I do. I'm not going to promise things that I have no intention of doing. That way, when I do say "let's hang out," people will know that I'm serious. I'm not going to accept Facebook friend requests from people I don't want to keep in touch with. And I will delete people off my friends list who I don't actually interact with anymore. And that's not being mean, it's choosing to not perpetuate a false sense of intimacy. I prefer genuine and real over Minnesota "nice" any day.

To love is to risk

"Jesus followers join churches because they want to be like Jesus and will risk loving others deeply. Don't even deny the pain of this risk and naively think that truly living in community as the church with sinners is easy. Church squabbles do injure innocent people. Church leaders do disappoint when they don't live up to their calling. Other believers do betray trust and cause disillusionment. Every Christian both suffers these pains and causes others to suffer harm. To love is to risk and grow through pain, and those who want to love well choose to suffer pain rather than self-protect by abandoning church." ~Mark Driscoll, Doctrine, pg. 340

This is true, but it's not easy to live out. I have been betrayed deeply, to the core of who I am, by people I looked up to and thought were friends.
As a tween, my heart was shattered by a childhood friend--I know from experience what it's like to go through what the Bible calls the dark night of the soul. To weep yourself to sleep is a nice poetic phrase, the reality is something I don't ever wish to repeat. People use "It broke/breaks my heart," so flippantly. You feel like you're dying when it truly happens, like you're being torn in half. To love someone so deeply and innocently as a child....and when it's so callously thrown in your face, and you realize you are esteemed so little by them....it's very hard to overcome. As a kid, you haven't gained the coping skills and maturity yet to process that. An adult is hurt and wounded but knows how to move on, a child is destroyed.

I've mentioned before about being abused as well by a neighborhood boy who was several years older than me. "Love" is twisted into something weird, but you don't realize it at the time. As a child, you just believe that someone older than you knows better and that what they're doing is okay. You look up to this person, you love them and do what they say. Later, you figure out that it's not okay, but you feel scared and worry that you'll get in trouble if you say anything. Maybe you try to tell someone, but it doesn't come out right, you chicken out, it's too weird or uncomfortable to talk about...so you just let it drop. Or maybe like me, you blocked out the memories and they didn't come back until years later. Then all of sudden you're thrown into a tail spin.....what is this? Am I going crazy? What...what are these memories? What do I do with this? I don't have the words to talk about this.......I'm just going to pretend I didn't remember.

But you can't. You've become a different person and how you interact with others has been forever altered. You become harder, detached, independent (who needs people, I'm fine on my own), never getting too close, just waiting for the day when they fail you, always holding back part of yourself so you never have to feel that pain again. You are strong, capable, you protect others but don't let anyone protect you. God helps those who help themselves, right?

And how you see God? Well, He's God, so He's loving....but maybe He's not as powerful as the Bible says. Because why would He let your heart get destroyed like that? Why do you feel so alone in this pain, haunted by these past wrongs and unable to move beyond them? Where's the healing, Lord? Why on earth should I trust your people to help?! We barely talk about healthy sexuality in the church....no, it's better to keep it to myself.

And so it goes. Too afraid to open up, the fear of discovery of your shame, fear of being let down, scared of what people might think or say, scared of being broken again (you'd never pull the pieces back together again), afraid, fearful, terrified.......Fear rules and reigns in your life. It chokes you, determining every interaction you have with another person, chases you at night and hinders your sleep.....and it just never lets up. You just want it to stop. You try your hardest to move beyond it, stuffing it down, pretending you don't feel it......but the fear comes back. You tell yourself you're being silly, irrational, a stupid teenager--it's just hormones, but you feel the same anyway.

Finally, one night, you're at the end of your rope and cry out from the depths of your soul. You've prayed before, but tonight something is different. You feel some peace and sleep heavily, looking forward to this youth group conference you're going on tomorrow. It's the start of something new, though you don't know that yet. God shows up, you feel His presence in such a way that you are forever changed. You cry and admit that the wounds of the past still hurt so much. It's the beginning of a journey towards healing and renewal. You are alive again!

And now, here I am almost a decade later. God's brought me on a crazy journey since 2002. It's not all sunshine and sparkles, but it's better. I have come far and overcome much, and the road still stretches on in front of me.

Why do I tell all this in a post about loving others and risking my heart to be in real relationships with other Christians? To show that it's not just words, naive churchy speak. To say, "God doesn't want me to be alone," is easy. I truly believe it....even though I still struggle with taking down the walls around my heart. Even though I have been wounded and betrayed and hurt....I still need His people. I need love, I need to be connected with others, I can't live live alone. I don't just need Jesus in my life--I need His followers too. His messed up, hypocritical, gossipy, sinful failures who can be pretty mean sometimes...because that's me too. I need forgiveness for my failings just as much as I need to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged me.

I hang onto the fact that God is love, and there is nothing evil about Him. He says He is all powerful, and I do doubt sometimes, but I believe Him. He's just and good, and says all evil will be accounted for and judged. He says He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I'm protected, even if I might not feel like it. He says He has a plan and hope for my future, that everyday His mercy is renewed in my life. It's not just pithy Bible verses, it's what I hold onto when Fear comes whispering, when my heart quivers and fails. My faith is not based on what I feel at any given moment; my foundation is that God is love.

I need to trust Him. That if I open up, share of myself, risk being vulnerable (in a wise and healthy way), dare to build deep relationships, moving beyond shallow "how are you?" to "I love and care for you," that He will be there for me. If people fail me, God won't. If I'm rejected, He will always be there. I don't want a lonely, empty life because I let fear rule me. I don't want to hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt. To really love, I have to let go of my heart and trust that God will take care of it. I realize that people will fail me, might betray me, may leave me.....but I my worth is not found in them.

Jesus loved and shared His heart and life freely, then was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He knows what that pain feels like. He knows what it's like to feel utterly alone and abandoned. He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back. He knows. And that gives me comfort, because my God has experienced what I feel. And He loves anyways. Not because He's stupid, but because a life without love is empty and meaningless.

Year in review part 2: Friends

In my last post, I focused on my family and God's grace in our lives over the past year. I'd like to turn now to my friends.
God's been teaching me a lot about what true friendship looks like recently. I need to reach out to others and form new relationships without neglecting the good friends I've already got. I tend to drift away from people after a few years for whatever reason; over this last year, some old acquaintances have come back into my life and our relationships have been renewed.

There's something very comforting about having someone who has known you for a while. You have those shared experiences and old jokes that you still find funny. An old friend doesn't need to dig for conversation topics, things just flow and an hour or two passes before you realize it. They know about your past awkward phases and bad haircuts, and love you just the same. I'm so appreciative of my long time friends. You know who you are, and I'm so glad you're in my life! My heart is fuller, my spirit richer because of your friendship. You put up with my faults and encourage me to be a better person. I love being able to share my weirdness and nerdy self with you. I might not see you for awhile, but we can pick up where we left off and have a grand time when we hang out together.We can talk about silly, shallow, light-hearted things, but we can also be real, deep and open with who we are. I love that. And I love you! I look forward to this coming year and getting to know you even better.

On the flip side, I've had to let some people slip out of my life, because I realized they're just not worth keeping in touch with. The problem with our Facebook culture is that relationships that would have naturally grown distant otherwise maintain this artificial intimacy. You see each other's status updates and Like their cute kitty pictures....but you haven't seen or spoken to them in person for over a year (or more). It's not like you hate them, they're actually pretty cool....but you don't have any kind of real interaction or relationship beyond the Internet.

Facebook is great for keeping in touch with long distance friends--I love that we can stay up to date and keep up with what's going in each other's lives. It supplements other communication. But for those casual acquaintances you wouldn't have kept in touch with, it can become kind of weird. We were friends once or saw a lot of each other at a particular point, some shared experience in our lives. But now? I haven't seen you since high school or whenever. It makes me feel mean to unfriend someone, but I realize I don't need to keep in touch with everybody. I can let them go and not be a bad person.

And some friendships I valued more than the other person and had different expectations for. I know that they don't place the same value on our relationship that I do and that will never change. I just have to accept that and stop trying to convince myself otherwise. It hurts a little bit to realize that and deal with it but it's the healthy and wise thing to do. I don't want to try to believe a lie. Letting go and moving on is the wise thing to do. I need to invest in relationships that are mutual not one-sided.

So, it's been the year of renewal and letting go, but also making new friends, relationships in their embryo phase. As I wrote recently, I finally found a church to call my own. Antioch Community Church has been a breath of fresh air into my life. For many reasons--which I don't need to go into here--I stopped going to church while in college and never got back into it once I graduated. I'd been sporadically attending the church I grew up in, but I'm a different person now and it's not the right fit anymore. I'm thankful for that church family--I grew up there and learned so much. Some of those people are more like family than those I'm actually related to! It's really like having a third side of my family. So this is not a diss to you, old church. I love many of you and will definitely continue to keep in touch. But it's predominantly a church of families and older singles, and I want relationships with my peers too. Also, it's in the suburbs and I feel called to the city seeing as how I've grown up here in Minneapolis.

So, Antioch. I checked it out a few times over the summer and committed to attending it within the last few months. I have never felt so welcomed as a stranger in a new place. I've gotten more plugged in as I've been able to re-arrange my work schedule. I'm hoping to go through their membership class coming up in January. There is something so REAL going on there, and I want to be part of that. I'm really excited to see what this next year will bring as I get to know more people. I feel like I can really share who I am--not just the "How are you?" "Good." "And you?" "Great." exchanges typical of churchy culture. I have gotten a phenomenal response of encouragement and desire for friendship back from sharing just a snippet of my testimony in church. I feel like I can be myself--crazy bright clothes, flowers in my hair and all the rest. I feel no need to hide any aspect of myself or partition off parts that might be unpalatable (part of that comes from getting older and more confident in myself too). For the first time in a long time, I'm excited to get up and go to church on Sundays. I look forward to it! I'm excited to go to community group and get to know people better. So, new church, looking forward to the next 12 months with you.

Continue on to Part 3: Me