Reaction to The Porn Path

I just finished watching this message, The Porn Path preached by Mark Driscoll, and it was heart wrenching. And I don't just mean, "Oh, that sucks, I feel sad about that." It feels like my heart is clenched in my chest right now. I can't really even adequately describe what my emotions are at the moment.

I usually make it a point not to blog when I'm feeling an extreme emotion, because things get said in the heat of the moment that are regretted later. But in this case, I want to write while I'm still feeling the weight and impact of what Pastor Mark spoke on and the former porn star he interviewed said. I don't really want to be logical and removed about this. I'm not writing in hot-headed anger or woe-is-me despair or I-want-attention-look-at-me low self esteem......it's just this heavy brokenness over what I've just heard.

I cried multiple times, and not just over the broken lives spoken of in the sermon, but for myself, how my life has been affected, in ways both overt and subtle. From a broken relationship to the way I feel walking alone on the street.

And also for those I know who are afflicted by the plague of pornography: My ex who felt bad and oh-so-sorry every time, but who eventually cheated on me, refusing to see how little sins lead to bigger ones, more concerned over having a good reputation than being honest and seeking help. (I can only hope he's changed since I broke up with him....)
The guy who molested me--I can only imagine what led him to do that. Perhaps he was abused himself. Maybe he was just acting out what he'd seen somewhere. Either way, his view of sexuality and how to treat females got messed up somewhere along the line.

I mourn for the innumerable men who are currently in Bible college, destroying future ministries, disqualifying themselves, paving the path to the ruin of their marriages, setting themselves up for limited or no eternal impact, stunted spiritual lives....because they've gotten sucked in to the black hole of pornography. Their relationships with their wives and children being eaten away with every page view.

My heart is broken for the women and children whose lives are being shattered. Not only the wives and girlfriends who feel second rate to a 2-D Photoshopped image, feeling like they can never measure up, but for the porn stars as well. Those women are being destroyed too. Thinking that they'll find acceptance or love...and only getting shame and emptiness out of the bargain. They're just as much a victim.

It's not right. I don't care what you think, it's. just. not. right.

I don't want to share my future husband with a computer screen.
I don't want to feel unsafe in my own neighborhood, because men view women as something to be used and not cherished.
I don't want my sisters' future relationships to end the way mine did.
I don't want any more broken marriages, because porn is more titillating than your spouse.
I don't want more women destroyed, because they're only wanted for their bodies and not their hearts.
I don't want children's innocence ripped away from rape and abuse, predominantly by adults they know and trust to protect them.

How many more hearts need to be ripped to shreds before we get it?

And the answer isn't found in just changing our outward behavior, adjusting what we do. The only way that healing and true change is going to come is to realize that we need to go to our hearts. We can modify the behavior all we want, but the addiction will still be there. The emptiness still won't be filled. The longings for true intimacy won't be met. And we will still be trapped in sin.

The cliche' way to end this would be to say, "What we need is Jesus! And it'll all be better!" The world does need his love and grace. But we also need his destroying our sin, removing the person we once were and transforming us into his likeness. And that's not easy. People get discouraged because they think once they repent, everything's going to be cupcakes and roses. It's work. It takes dedication and perseverance to keep going. We don't break habits in a day. And addictions don't generally magically go away.

Just.....watch the message. Be broken. And be changed.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Quote Dump

Okay, so I said I would write individual posts for each quote that I wrote down from The Elephant Room....but, to be honest, I'm tired of writing about it and want to blog about other things. So I'm going to dump all the rest of the quotes into this post and be done with it. Here you go:

In reference to "doing church," T.D. Jakes said, "We keep trying to formalize that which isn't a formula."  People can get so hung up on the order and ritual of how to do a church service that they lose focus of what's important. It doesn't matter whether the offering is collected before or after the sermon. Worship can be accompanied by an organ or an electric guitar. There's not one "right" way to do church. I think God was smart to not say in the Bible how the first Christians conducted their services. The message always stays the same, but the mode of communicating it needs to adapt to speak to the culture. Mark Driscoll posed a poignant question: "If people meet Jesus, is there a wrong way to do that?" He also reminded the naysayers and nitpickers that "it's easier to be a critic than a pastor."

In a discussing leaders failing in the church, James MacDonald pointed out, "Fifty percent of leadership is self-management." As leaders, there is more at stake if one should fall, so there needs to be accountability sought out and submitted to. No man is an island. And those who fail are at fault and must take responsibility for their actions. But as T.D. Jakes noted, "We have not been taught to scream [ask for help]." Pastors and ministry leaders think they have to be perfect, as if to admit weakness were to be a failure....when all you're admitting to is that you're human! As I've written about before, I find that mindset ridiculous. Crawford Lorritts said, "Your identity is not your ministry." Any Christian's order of priorities (especially those in leadership) needs to be God first and foremost, followed by family, then your work (ministry related or not). He also pointed out that those who are owning up to failure must have the right heart behind the confession: "If they're concerned about their reputation, they're not repentant." But many leaders are afraid to admit their failures, because they worry about unforgiveness or retribution from those in their churches. As Mark Driscoll has stated before, "Hard words create soft people, soft words create hard people." If people are hearing the truth of the Bible--justice and mercy, that sin needs to be truly repented of and dealt with and forgiven--and seeing that faith lived out in their leaders, they will follow that path as well. Christians don't need to be perfect people, we need to be repentant people! We need to extend grace and hold people accountable. We must not enable sin, but we also don't want to make those who have failed afraid to repentant.

Loving communication within the church is so needed right now. Civility in our country and churches has been lost, and we all suffer for it. We demonize and shun those we don't agree with, turning it into a game of Us vs. Them. T.D. Jakes called that out: "We've got to learn to talk to each other, or we're going to die." The church doesn't need more division and strife. We've got to draw together and remember that we serve the same Jesus. Satan loves when Christians despise one another, because his work is already done. Jakes gave a good reminder, "If the leaders are loving the people will be as well." We can't let our preferences become our prejudices. Jack Graham encouraged reaching outside of our comfort zone and building friendships, "When I know you, I can love you." Some of the best and longest lasting relationships can be found in the most unexpected places. Crawford Lorritts shared wise advice he was given as a young man, "Don't let anybody tell you who your friends can be!"

And that last quote was my favorite for the day.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Church

I shared my initial impression about the Elephant Room Round 2 last week, and have had time to mull over the things that stuck out to me. I jotted down some pithy insights and great one liners from all the pastors that attended. I'm going to devote a blog to each quote and how it impacted me.

A bit of a caveat before I begin: I'm not going to nitpick or criticize--that has been done to death enough elsewhere on the interwebs. I don't need to pick at so-called theological fallacies or whatever. I'm going to focus on the positive and edifying things I learned and leave the negativity to others. Sure, I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. My goal is to expound on the truths that spoke to me personally. I stick with a micro focus on this blog, not a macro one. Write what you know, right? I know me and my heart and that's what I feel qualified to pontificate about. Anyways.

Pastor Jack Graham

Jack Graham caught me with this line during the first discussion about denominations:

"Most people don't show up looking for the Baptist church, the Methodist church. They show up looking for the Jesus church."

I feel like this hits squarely on the head something that has bothered me over the years. The argument over denominations and which one is "better" is a family issue. In that I mean, if you're not a Christian, it seems silly and can be rather confusing. To someone who's not a believer, Baptists and Lutherans look pretty much the same; telling them that one is better than the other is like telling a non-sports fan that the Vikings are better than the Packers. "They both wear spandex and play football. The only difference to me is one wears green and yellow and the other purple and yellow." If you're not part of the club, you just don't care. It's trying to teach someone Calculus before they've mastered Algebra. If the basics aren't covered, how on earth are you supposed to grasp consecutive issues?

And the debate about denominations shouldn't be the point. You don't invite someone to become an Episcopalian. Or accept Luther into their heart. Or pray to Calvin. To re-word what Graham said, people come to church looking for Jesus not theologians. First and foremost, church should be about Jesus. His love, his sacrifice for our sins, his death and resurrection. He is Lord, God, Savior, Healer, Comforter...Friend. Jesus said Christians are supposed to be known by our love. Not our debates. Not our theological differences. Not name calling and questioning others' faith. That at the end of the day, the body of Christ, the church, can lay aside our differences and be a family. In a family, you don't necessarily like each other all the time, you might snap and quarrel with each other....but underneath the temporary flared emotions, you are bound together and truly love each other. Just because one of my sisters says something I don't agree with doesn't mean she's not part of the family. I don't question whether my brother is truly related to me if he does something I wouldn't do. (I know that metaphor only goes so far, but if someone says they believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and are working to live out their faith, there's room for disagreement on open handed issues)

My best friend is Lutheran and I lean towards Baptist, I guess, though I was raised in a non-denominational church. We both call ourselves Christian and love Jesus. If we're going to talk about our faith to a non-believer, Jesus and his love gets top billing. Just writing this post has been a good reminder for me to keep my focus on Jesus first and not secondary, lesser issues.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Initial thoughts

Nice logo design by the way.

I was at Grace Church of Eden Prairie for the majority of the day today, watching a live simulcast of The Elephant Room Round 2. I'm so glad I took the day off from work and went, because it was so edifying. I was surprised, convicted, encouraged. I jotted down so many amazing quotes from all the speakers, but especially T.D. Jakes. I actually went because I listen to Mark Driscoll's sermons regularly, but T.D. Jakes is the one who really made me think today. Man, does that guy have a lot of insight and wisdom! He throws out these one liners that encapsulate what would take another preacher paragraphs. I really hadn't heard him speak before, beyond seeing him briefly on TBN when channel flipping. He just blew my mind with the truth he spoke. It's not like it was anything new to me, but just the way he worded it made me see things in a new light.

Bishop T.D. Jakes pwned it today.

One of his quotes that stuck out to me the most was when he was discussing race and segregation in the church: "You can't integrate the church until you've integrated your heart." I mean, just think about that. It gets right to the crux of the issue--it's not about out there, what we need to do as a church or culture...it starts with one person: me and the state of my heart. Convicting and encouraging: I can't point fingers, I have to work on myself, but at the same time, all I have to worry about is one person and not what everybody else is thinking and doing.

And that's just from ONE sentence from one of the seven pastors that participated! There's so much that I took in today, I'm going to have to let it marinate for a few days and process it all. I'm going to break my thoughts into multiple blogs, because there was so much I gleaned from this conference. I jotted down a lot of great quotes, which I will use as a spring board to further the discussion I got to listen to today. And I'm sure they'll be posting video clips again this year, so I'll try to find those to share with you as well.

The biggest thing I took away from The Elephant Room, beyond all the different issues and questions, is that as Christians we need to be able to sit down together and discuss issues that we disagree on and still love each other at the end of it. If Mark Driscoll and T.D. Jakes can debate and learn from each other, the rest of us can too.

Promises, promises

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6 (NIV)

Another version says, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a while, and I just need to write/kvetch/ramble about it.

I tend to have fairly low expectations of people in general. I've learned through hard experience to not expect much from others. I don't see it as being cynical so much as realistic. I assume that the majority of what people say they'll do they won't actually follow through on. I run into an old college acquaintance from time to time and he always says something to the effect of, "We should get coffee sometime and catch up." I'm not holding my breath waiting for that. I've figured out that it's his passive aggressive Minnesotan way of trying to save face. I just want to say, "You know what? Just say 'See you around,' and leave it at that. Don't pretend to be excited to see me if you're not. Just be yourself and quit being a fake." If you don't like someone or have no intention of furthering your interactions beyond pleasantries, just leave it at that--don't make trite promises. The more you spout empty platitudes, the less people respect you.  "Let your no be no, and your yes be yes." Know what I'm saying?

I've met far too many people who promise too much too lightly. Relationships aren't built in a day or merely on a Facebook friend request. Don't tell me we're going to get together to do this or that every time I see you--just do it. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan, and actually follow through on it. If you initiate, don't leave me hanging. If you want to get together, it's on you to suggest something. Being evasive or indecisive ("Oh, I don't care, I'm fine with wherever you want to go") is not being polite, it's annoying, passive aggressive and ticks me off. If someone comes to me and says, "Hey, are you free next Thursday? I'd really like to get together with you. How about the Dunn Bros by my house?" That day might not work for me, but it shows that you're serious about furthering our friendship.

Talk is cheap and easy, action takes some effort. Especially at the beginning of getting to know someone, there's a lot of work involved up front. You have to establish some foundation to build your friendship on. It's easy when you see that person all the time at school or work, you kind of have to interact. And then it's easy to think you have more of a friendship than you really do. Once the class is over, or you get a different job, that's when you find out how serious someone is about staying in touch.

I don't expect or want every interaction I have with people to turn into something more. I hold to cultivating quality relationships over juggling a large quantity of people I kind of know. I don't and can't pretend that I'm best buds with everyone I come into semi-regular contact with. I genuinely don't like some people, and that's okay. I enjoy being around others that I know our interactions will never go beyond banter and pleasantries, and that's okay too. There are friends I have known for years that I don't get to see very often, and that's okay as well. And there are those people I just click with that I will still know when we're old and gray. So, there are different levels of friendship, not everyone is going to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR. It actually took me awhile to accept that too. I've realized that I can't be bosom buddies with everyone and that it's actually better if I only have a handful of really close friends. I don't have to strive to make a deep connection with everyone I meet. That's too exhausting and spreads myself too thin. I need to figure out who's worth investing in and to what degree.

If I say I want to get together with someone to get to know them, I genuinely mean it. It's not just something I say to finish a conversation. I long for real relationships in this shallow, "Well, I have 2,000 Facebook friends," culture that we live in. It's a constant struggle to be real though; it's kind of scary to be vulnerable and leave yourself open to the possibility of getting rejected and hurt. So much of my time is spent masking who I am and presenting a facade of pleasantness (hello, retail!). That's part of my job--you leave your personal problems at home and give good customer service. You need to be pleasant and hold your tongue, which is to be expected in that environment. I don't want to hear customers' sob stories and they don't need to hear mine. However, it's hard to turn that mindset off and engage with people in other social settings. I find myself slipping into retail mode and talking about the weather when it's okay to go a little deeper. It's easy and safer, but it's empty. You're just filling the silence instead of actually saying anything of substance.

At the end of the day, I don't want my mouth to say something completely different from what I do. I'm not going to promise things that I have no intention of doing. That way, when I do say "let's hang out," people will know that I'm serious. I'm not going to accept Facebook friend requests from people I don't want to keep in touch with. And I will delete people off my friends list who I don't actually interact with anymore. And that's not being mean, it's choosing to not perpetuate a false sense of intimacy. I prefer genuine and real over Minnesota "nice" any day.

I like Jesus...but not all his followers

"My own feeling...is that I would probably get along ok with Jesus himself if I met him, but some of his followers really don't get what he was trying to say."

This just...struck me...in such a deep place. Read it again, and mull over it a little bit.

I'm commissioning a piece from an artist on Etsy, who happens to be a practicing Pagan. This is a quote from her in an online conversation we're having to iron out the details of the commission. She was very upfront with me about her beliefs, which I appreciate and respect. And I've been just as open about my faith and what it means to me. 

And that's so rare. Why is that we're not supposed to talk about faith, the beliefs that we hold so deep and direct our lives? As if, somehow, we can't handle hearing that someone has *gasp!* a different worldview than we do? Like I'm suddenly going to lose my faith in Jesus, because someone told me they hold a very different set of beliefs than I do? I look at interactions like this to spur me on to question and challenge myself. Do I really believe what I say I do?

I was going to post on something else tonight, but when I read that sentence, I had to write something about it. Because it's so true. And I'm guilty of falling short of living like Jesus far too often. Sure, it's easy to point fingers, and rant about how horrible American Christianity can be, how materialistic / silly / wrong / shallow /whatever the church is....but, at the end of the day, I am the church, the body of Christ. We tend to focus on the church as corporate, many people, a group, denominations....but it's made up of a bunch of individuals. Me. You. We become Us and Them when we're gathered together on Sundays and at other events. But in our daily lives, it tends to be just me...you...going about everyday activities in our own little worlds. Making small decisions, here and there, that add up to who I am as a person. 

And is that a woman who loves Jesus? Not in word, because I say I do...but truly, actually in how I live my life, day in and day out? Does my life display what I say I believe? Do I understand who Jesus was and is, and how he said I should live my life if I follow him? Do I "get" what he was trying to say to us silly, lost people? 

"Pick up your cross and follow me....whoever loses his life will find it....blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth....you cannot serve God and money....unless you become like little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." Do we really get him?! I mean, so many people try to pin their own agendas onto their version of Jesus, twisting what he said to fit their bullet points. Do I change to fit what he said? It's a challenge to be a Christ follower; it takes sacrifice. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. It's not easy to become like Christ.

I want to "get" him, I really do. But my faith can be so lacking. 

God, give me strength to be like you, because on my own, I will fail. Open my eyes to see, my mind to understand, my heart to soften. Help me to be like you, not just in what I say, but in what I do, who I am.

Porn: "It's easy satisfaction"

I just read this article about a pastor struggling with addiction to porn. It saddens me so much that pastors and ministry leaders feel like they have to hide their weaknesses and sin.

Jesus wants us to be FREE!

I have first hand experience with that though: my ex-boyfriend from a few years back. He was going to a Bible college, involved with his church, planned on being a pastor....and was very addicted to porn. He ended up cheating on me with a friend of his from school. Sinful thoughts, not repented of and held accountable, lead into sinful actions. He held to an old-school (and in my mind, unhealthy) view of church: the head pastor is in charge of everything and everyone and can't admit to weakness. 

Yeah, because apparently pastors aren't human? They can't get tired, sick, weary, angry, lonely, hungry? I think it's ridiculous that some people put pastors up on a pedestal, as if they're somehow above their congregants. Guess what? Those in ministry are people too! Who'd of thought? I think it's stupid to expect one man to run a whole church. I'm a big fan of the multiple pastor model--spread the responsibility around. CEOs delegate--pastors should too. Anyways.

This mindset of "I have to be strong, I'm on a pedestal, I must be uber-Christian," leads to no accountability and extreme lonelines. "I can't admit to struggling with something so base as sexual temptation. People will think less of me." Actually, I think more of someone who can be humble and vulnerable and admit to being weak.
My favorite quote from the article I mentioned:  "Part of the problem of pornography is that "it's easy satisfaction," Finlayson-Fife says. "It doesn't require vulnerability and openness to another person." Exactly! It's easier to let everyone look up to you, than take the hard route and open up about what you're struggling with. Sadly, there are those who don't want to think of their pastor as a normal human being.

One of the hardest things to say to another person is "Help me. I can't do this by myself." You're opening up yourself to the possibility of being hurt and wounded--it's hard to be vulnerable! Who wants to admit to being weak? But here's the thing: if our church leaders can't be open and honest...what does that mean for the rest of us who are under their leadership? We need to hold them responsible to repent and lean on Jesus...and we need to do the same. How can we be "one body" following Christ if we can't share our struggles with each other? We're supposed to be defined by our love, but not a weak, sappy, sentimental "love." True love accepts you where you are as you are...but it doesn't want you to stay there!

So, we have a wide spread problem in Christian circles of addiction to porn, sexuality twisted into something unhealthy, something good created by God turned into an idol people worship. Here's the thing: we can't blame external sources for the sin. Before the modern era, the computer, the smart phone, people still worshiped at the altar of sex, taking it out of its God ordained place. The mode of consuming it might have changed, but it's still the same sin. The inclination to sin is internal--our hearts are bent that way naturally. The blame doesn't lie in stress, a busy day, difficult people, feeling lonely, whatever...at the end of the day, it's about a choice we each individually make in the quiet of our own hearts and minds. Do I give in, do I take the easy way? Or do I resist and fight...even though I'm tired, weak, scared, alone? I want that quick pleasure...but I know it ultimately doesn't fulfill me. The more sin is given into, the more power it has over us. Eventually the pleasure becomes addiction, and it's not that we want it...we need it. And the chains pile on and become so hard to break.

We're supposed to be the master of ourselves, self controlled. Jesus said he came to give us "life--more abundant." He knows we are weak creatures and unable to rescue ourselves. He made us for community. Hiding and lying about our struggles just isolates and separates us from each other. We are strongest when we are united in relying on Christ. The sinner needs to take responsibility for their sin, confess and repent, seek help and accountability. The ones sought for help need to be loving and supportive yet not enabling the sin to continue. A pat on the head and a slap on the wrist helps no one at the end of the day. It's not okay--it's sin! It is hard to break free, and can take a long time.

I apologize if this post is a bit rambling. There's just so much rattling around in my head right now about this. Ultimately, I think the most important thing is that we need to break this culture of pretending that "I'm okay, you're okay, Jesus is awesome!" Guess what? Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean it's always going to be super-awesome-fun-times. Life actually sucks quite a bit some days. And that's okay! Following Jesus full-heartedly usually is hard. I give you permission to drop the facade and admit that you're struggling. If we cultivate a culture where our Christian leaders feel like they can admit to sinning and being weak and know that they'll get help and support, I think it'll be better for everyone.