Promises, promises

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6 (NIV)

Another version says, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a while, and I just need to write/kvetch/ramble about it.

I tend to have fairly low expectations of people in general. I've learned through hard experience to not expect much from others. I don't see it as being cynical so much as realistic. I assume that the majority of what people say they'll do they won't actually follow through on. I run into an old college acquaintance from time to time and he always says something to the effect of, "We should get coffee sometime and catch up." I'm not holding my breath waiting for that. I've figured out that it's his passive aggressive Minnesotan way of trying to save face. I just want to say, "You know what? Just say 'See you around,' and leave it at that. Don't pretend to be excited to see me if you're not. Just be yourself and quit being a fake." If you don't like someone or have no intention of furthering your interactions beyond pleasantries, just leave it at that--don't make trite promises. The more you spout empty platitudes, the less people respect you.  "Let your no be no, and your yes be yes." Know what I'm saying?

I've met far too many people who promise too much too lightly. Relationships aren't built in a day or merely on a Facebook friend request. Don't tell me we're going to get together to do this or that every time I see you--just do it. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan, and actually follow through on it. If you initiate, don't leave me hanging. If you want to get together, it's on you to suggest something. Being evasive or indecisive ("Oh, I don't care, I'm fine with wherever you want to go") is not being polite, it's annoying, passive aggressive and ticks me off. If someone comes to me and says, "Hey, are you free next Thursday? I'd really like to get together with you. How about the Dunn Bros by my house?" That day might not work for me, but it shows that you're serious about furthering our friendship.

Talk is cheap and easy, action takes some effort. Especially at the beginning of getting to know someone, there's a lot of work involved up front. You have to establish some foundation to build your friendship on. It's easy when you see that person all the time at school or work, you kind of have to interact. And then it's easy to think you have more of a friendship than you really do. Once the class is over, or you get a different job, that's when you find out how serious someone is about staying in touch.

I don't expect or want every interaction I have with people to turn into something more. I hold to cultivating quality relationships over juggling a large quantity of people I kind of know. I don't and can't pretend that I'm best buds with everyone I come into semi-regular contact with. I genuinely don't like some people, and that's okay. I enjoy being around others that I know our interactions will never go beyond banter and pleasantries, and that's okay too. There are friends I have known for years that I don't get to see very often, and that's okay as well. And there are those people I just click with that I will still know when we're old and gray. So, there are different levels of friendship, not everyone is going to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR. It actually took me awhile to accept that too. I've realized that I can't be bosom buddies with everyone and that it's actually better if I only have a handful of really close friends. I don't have to strive to make a deep connection with everyone I meet. That's too exhausting and spreads myself too thin. I need to figure out who's worth investing in and to what degree.

If I say I want to get together with someone to get to know them, I genuinely mean it. It's not just something I say to finish a conversation. I long for real relationships in this shallow, "Well, I have 2,000 Facebook friends," culture that we live in. It's a constant struggle to be real though; it's kind of scary to be vulnerable and leave yourself open to the possibility of getting rejected and hurt. So much of my time is spent masking who I am and presenting a facade of pleasantness (hello, retail!). That's part of my job--you leave your personal problems at home and give good customer service. You need to be pleasant and hold your tongue, which is to be expected in that environment. I don't want to hear customers' sob stories and they don't need to hear mine. However, it's hard to turn that mindset off and engage with people in other social settings. I find myself slipping into retail mode and talking about the weather when it's okay to go a little deeper. It's easy and safer, but it's empty. You're just filling the silence instead of actually saying anything of substance.

At the end of the day, I don't want my mouth to say something completely different from what I do. I'm not going to promise things that I have no intention of doing. That way, when I do say "let's hang out," people will know that I'm serious. I'm not going to accept Facebook friend requests from people I don't want to keep in touch with. And I will delete people off my friends list who I don't actually interact with anymore. And that's not being mean, it's choosing to not perpetuate a false sense of intimacy. I prefer genuine and real over Minnesota "nice" any day.