My natural inclination is towards being an island, never being weak or putting myself in a place to depend or rely on someone to come through for me. So many fears and doubts swirled in me for many years--about relying on people, opening up my heart and risking being hurt, letting others matter and speak into my life...it just seemed so dangerous after having gotten my heart beat up and toyed with over the years. I was angry and dissatisfied and bitter, not just about romantic relationships, but any kind of friendship. I always kept some part of myself in reserve, holding myself at arm's length...just in case. I just expected others to fail, to leave, to not reach out. The other shoe was always just waiting to drop, and I was never surprised when it did, and a friendship would just fizzle out after a couple years. I wasn't pessimistic, I said, just realistic. If you have no expectations, you're not surprised when people fail you. That's why I always held something back--it hurts too much if you let your heart be vulnerable. That's such a risk to let yourself be open to getting hurt like that. I know what it's like to have a shattered heart, sweeping the broken pieces up and trying to put yourself back together. I didn't ever want to feel that way again.
So, I was always a bit aloof, a little removed from those around me, never trying too hard to hang onto any friendship. The only person I thought I could really rely on was myself. I settled into my daily life over the last couple years, a routine of work and making art and reading books and going to church--quite happy and content on my lonesome. I was burned pretty badly from my last relationship and had no desire to seek out dating at all. To me, it just felt like a pointless game. I was content with my friends and family. In 2011 though, God impressed on me that I really needed to make relationships a priority in my life, make an effort to reach out and cultivate friendships, both old and new. I was tired of never truly being myself, never opening all the way. I was done with living in fear of what might happen. I was never fully in the present, in the here and now, because I was still letting the past breath over my shoulder and determine my actions for the future. I had to let go of what has happened, not obsess over what might be, and just dwell in what is. It's so freeing to commit to the present and let go of old fears, trusting God to lead me true.
For 2012, I have the theme, "Be bold," ringing through my heart and mind. God doesn't want me to stay where it's comfortable; He wants me to step out into the unknown and risk a little bit. How can I really have faith if I never rely on God to come through for me, if I always have a back-up plan to rescue myself? I have to let go, step off the cliff, and trust that if God is who He says He is, He's not going to let me crash on the rocks below. I wrote about some of this process recently, and how my heart has healed and opened up again. This past month or so has just blown my socks off. The pessimistic side of me keeps waiting for something bad to happen...but it hasn't.
This has become a season of joy and excitement in my life. New experiences, fresh insight and inspiration, much encouragement and happiness, falling hopelessly in love, getting all mushy and sappy....I have never felt so cherished, treasured and respected in my life. My boyfriend, Colin, just fills me with such joy. He is super sweet and kind and loving, encouraging me in my faith and walk with God, accepting me as I am with all my kookiness and strangeness. He makes me want to be a better person--not because I feel like I need to be perfect, present some kind of facade...but because I am loved and free to open my heart. And he doesn't think he's doing anything special!
I know he's not perfect, and he isn't trying to be. We're both very open about being sinful people in a fallen world. We both know that without Jesus, we're hopeless and lost. But I do know that God has been directing my steps over the last several years, preparing my heart. Everything I've been through--the good and especially the bad--has been leading me here. I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone, shake up my daily routine....risk my heart and be open to love.
It might sound sappy or whatever, but life without real love is pretty lonely. I don't want to be an island.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
But I did it my way
Every time someone tells me I can't do something or I have to do such-and-such in a particular way to be successful, I just want to prove them wrong. There's a part of me that exclaims, "Well, why?! Why do I have to do it that way? I'm going to do it how I want-and work harder at it-just to prove you wrong!" That side of me gets such a thrill out of doing things differently and making it work out anyways.
I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.
It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.
For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.
I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.
I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.
It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.
For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.
I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.
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