To love is to risk

"Jesus followers join churches because they want to be like Jesus and will risk loving others deeply. Don't even deny the pain of this risk and naively think that truly living in community as the church with sinners is easy. Church squabbles do injure innocent people. Church leaders do disappoint when they don't live up to their calling. Other believers do betray trust and cause disillusionment. Every Christian both suffers these pains and causes others to suffer harm. To love is to risk and grow through pain, and those who want to love well choose to suffer pain rather than self-protect by abandoning church." ~Mark Driscoll, Doctrine, pg. 340

This is true, but it's not easy to live out. I have been betrayed deeply, to the core of who I am, by people I looked up to and thought were friends.
As a tween, my heart was shattered by a childhood friend--I know from experience what it's like to go through what the Bible calls the dark night of the soul. To weep yourself to sleep is a nice poetic phrase, the reality is something I don't ever wish to repeat. People use "It broke/breaks my heart," so flippantly. You feel like you're dying when it truly happens, like you're being torn in half. To love someone so deeply and innocently as a child....and when it's so callously thrown in your face, and you realize you are esteemed so little by them....it's very hard to overcome. As a kid, you haven't gained the coping skills and maturity yet to process that. An adult is hurt and wounded but knows how to move on, a child is destroyed.

I've mentioned before about being abused as well by a neighborhood boy who was several years older than me. "Love" is twisted into something weird, but you don't realize it at the time. As a child, you just believe that someone older than you knows better and that what they're doing is okay. You look up to this person, you love them and do what they say. Later, you figure out that it's not okay, but you feel scared and worry that you'll get in trouble if you say anything. Maybe you try to tell someone, but it doesn't come out right, you chicken out, it's too weird or uncomfortable to talk about...so you just let it drop. Or maybe like me, you blocked out the memories and they didn't come back until years later. Then all of sudden you're thrown into a tail spin.....what is this? Am I going crazy? What...what are these memories? What do I do with this? I don't have the words to talk about this.......I'm just going to pretend I didn't remember.

But you can't. You've become a different person and how you interact with others has been forever altered. You become harder, detached, independent (who needs people, I'm fine on my own), never getting too close, just waiting for the day when they fail you, always holding back part of yourself so you never have to feel that pain again. You are strong, capable, you protect others but don't let anyone protect you. God helps those who help themselves, right?

And how you see God? Well, He's God, so He's loving....but maybe He's not as powerful as the Bible says. Because why would He let your heart get destroyed like that? Why do you feel so alone in this pain, haunted by these past wrongs and unable to move beyond them? Where's the healing, Lord? Why on earth should I trust your people to help?! We barely talk about healthy sexuality in the church....no, it's better to keep it to myself.

And so it goes. Too afraid to open up, the fear of discovery of your shame, fear of being let down, scared of what people might think or say, scared of being broken again (you'd never pull the pieces back together again), afraid, fearful, terrified.......Fear rules and reigns in your life. It chokes you, determining every interaction you have with another person, chases you at night and hinders your sleep.....and it just never lets up. You just want it to stop. You try your hardest to move beyond it, stuffing it down, pretending you don't feel it......but the fear comes back. You tell yourself you're being silly, irrational, a stupid teenager--it's just hormones, but you feel the same anyway.

Finally, one night, you're at the end of your rope and cry out from the depths of your soul. You've prayed before, but tonight something is different. You feel some peace and sleep heavily, looking forward to this youth group conference you're going on tomorrow. It's the start of something new, though you don't know that yet. God shows up, you feel His presence in such a way that you are forever changed. You cry and admit that the wounds of the past still hurt so much. It's the beginning of a journey towards healing and renewal. You are alive again!

And now, here I am almost a decade later. God's brought me on a crazy journey since 2002. It's not all sunshine and sparkles, but it's better. I have come far and overcome much, and the road still stretches on in front of me.

Why do I tell all this in a post about loving others and risking my heart to be in real relationships with other Christians? To show that it's not just words, naive churchy speak. To say, "God doesn't want me to be alone," is easy. I truly believe it....even though I still struggle with taking down the walls around my heart. Even though I have been wounded and betrayed and hurt....I still need His people. I need love, I need to be connected with others, I can't live live alone. I don't just need Jesus in my life--I need His followers too. His messed up, hypocritical, gossipy, sinful failures who can be pretty mean sometimes...because that's me too. I need forgiveness for my failings just as much as I need to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged me.

I hang onto the fact that God is love, and there is nothing evil about Him. He says He is all powerful, and I do doubt sometimes, but I believe Him. He's just and good, and says all evil will be accounted for and judged. He says He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I'm protected, even if I might not feel like it. He says He has a plan and hope for my future, that everyday His mercy is renewed in my life. It's not just pithy Bible verses, it's what I hold onto when Fear comes whispering, when my heart quivers and fails. My faith is not based on what I feel at any given moment; my foundation is that God is love.

I need to trust Him. That if I open up, share of myself, risk being vulnerable (in a wise and healthy way), dare to build deep relationships, moving beyond shallow "how are you?" to "I love and care for you," that He will be there for me. If people fail me, God won't. If I'm rejected, He will always be there. I don't want a lonely, empty life because I let fear rule me. I don't want to hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt. To really love, I have to let go of my heart and trust that God will take care of it. I realize that people will fail me, might betray me, may leave me.....but I my worth is not found in them.

Jesus loved and shared His heart and life freely, then was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He knows what that pain feels like. He knows what it's like to feel utterly alone and abandoned. He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back. He knows. And that gives me comfort, because my God has experienced what I feel. And He loves anyways. Not because He's stupid, but because a life without love is empty and meaningless.