Sketching 7

These drawings were definitely influenced by the sermon I was listening to at church that day. It's two different visual interpretations of what I was mulling over as my pastor spoke. I think it's pretty obvious what was being talked about.

Back to the future

A little over four years ago, the future I'd been planning was completely destroyed. All my plans and intentions went up in smoke. For a good two years, I'd been going along with a particular idea of how things were going to unroll in my life....and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm so glad it did. Though at the time, it really sucked going through it.

March 2008: I broke up with my cheating ex, cut off all my hair, and went on a spring break road trip to New Mexico and Utah. It was the perfect way to process a break up--just miles of open road and the time to reflect and decompress. I had almost two weeks of quiet and peace, time to think and let go, finding some solace and healing out in the grandeur of the West. You really can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over you when you're sitting on the edge of a cliff, with nothing but the sound of wind in your ears, and no sign of civilization for miles and miles.

I felt as if I had lost sight of God, and he'd stripped away everything that I'd been leaning on or distracting myself with to get me to look at Him again. I couldn't use homework or checking Facebook or talking on the phone or doing busywork...nothing....there were no distractions. I came face-to-face with who I really was out there. There was nothing I could do--I had to just be. It was just me, and the wind, and harsh beauty of the land...and God. Speaking to me in a still small voice that I'd been tuning out for a while.

One of my friends joked later that I had gone on a vision quest, and I couldn't really disagree. I had a couple unusual encounters along the way that reminded me that God was still there for me (maybe I'll share them someday). I went on a few hikes by myself, and the utter quiet I experienced out in that wilderness didn't leave when I came back to Minnesota. That sense of peace, so lonely yet comforting, so weighty yet freeing, settled in my heart and has never left. It's impossible to adequately convey the way I felt the presence of God out in the desert, but I was changed in a very deep way that I can't really describe.  It was just what I needed at the time. It was as if God was telling me, "Everything will be okay, Elisabeth. Your problems aren't as big as you think. Let Me comfort and heal your bruised heart."

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

But then I had to come back home again. Back to school, back to my friends and family, back to every day life. But I didn't know who I was anymore. So much of myself, who I was, had gotten wrapped up in this one person, this one relationship, this one idea of how my life was going to go. I had to redefine myself. I realized that I'd been basing my identity and worth as a person on another human being. I mean, it wasn't like I had no sense of self, but I hadn't realized until that trip how much I'd changed who I was just to please my ex. That was a very healthy and needed thing to go through...but then I was faced with the fact that I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life next.

Everything that I'd been thinking and planning for about two years had been pointed towards getting married and moving to Maryland and having this whole life out east. That all disappeared, and I had to find my footing again. It was like all these ties had been cut, and I was suddenly free....with no direction or leading.

And as healing and comforting as my road trip had been, there were still areas that really hurt. I shut down some parts of my heart, because I just felt like a fool and an idiot. I should have known better! I was like, "Guys--who needs 'em? Pffft."

And I went on with finishing up that school year, having fun with my friends, working on art, renewing my relationship with God. Over the next couple years, I moved back home, revitalized my connections with my family, got a job at Half Price, graduated college, bought a car, worked on building some artistic notoriety, just living life. But I didn't really think too hard about what might come next, I just took life as it came. "Why make long term plans when it might blow up in your face?" a part of me asked. And no way was I interested in dating. It still stung if I thought about it too much. I just decided I would happily be single the rest of my life and that was that.

But I didn't want to stay in a holding pattern, settling into a rut. Not only in daily living and work, I also realized I needed to make my faith a priority and not half-ass it. I begrudgingly decided to look for a church, but I wasn't going to like it. I knew God wanted me to get plugged in somewhere, but I wasn't too enthused about the prospect. I'd listened to Mark Driscoll sermons off and on throughout college, but I really started listening to them, actually trying to apply what I was hearing and learning. And one thing he really emphasizes is being in community with other Christians. Like, all the time, in practically every message I heard. I finally was like, "Fine. Fine! Okay, I will look for a church. But I'm not too excited about this, God. And if I don't like it, I'm not going back." I looked online to see if there were any Acts 29 churches in Minneapolis, kinda hoping there wasn't so I could make more excuses. There are four. And they are all close-ish to where I live. There was even one like ten minutes away. Crap. I wasn't going to get out of this so easy.

So I went to Antioch Community Church....and loved it. The people were (and are) awesome. I got connected with a community group. I've made friends, not just interacted with people who only talk to me on Sunday. I feel like I've found my place. And God's really been working on my heart the last six months or so, reminding me not to hold back in fear, to be open to new possibilities, to look to Him for guidance and not going back to my old way of living and thinking. He doesn't want me to keep my heart shut, because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't, and don't want to, live life that way.

I've been thinking recently of how God spoke to my heart in the desert when I was bruised and hurting. He gave me peace and reassurance when I had none and felt so empty. I had nothing to give, but God met me where I was at and didn't let me wallow and have a pity party. He reminded me that everything else can fall away, but He will always be there. I can be completely alone, yet He will never leave  me. I am His and will never be forsaken, though I may stumble through darkness and doubt. I have nothing to offer, yet He is happy to give everything and fill me with hope and grace and love.

And I've reflected on how God's been speaking to me over the last four years as I've matured and realigned myself with Him. He's been teaching me to tune my heart to his voice, however He chooses to speak with me--from a penny on the ground to a book coming along just when I need to read what it says to a sunny day spent with friends to the messages I hear at church. I don't get to choose how God works, I just have to be open and expectant for Him to come through for me.

And now....something new and completely unexpected has come my way. I wasn't looking or searching for it. I wasn't praying about it. I was just going about my life, and now this. There's this guy...and he's pretty awesome. And he thinks I'm kinda awesome too. It's like finding a little seedling popping up from the ground in spring where you didn't know anything was even planted. The future is all up in the air again. I have no idea what the future holds. And I have never been happier about uncertainty in my life.

I am so excited to see what's going to happen next....

Faithfulness

This morning at church, my pastor was continuing a series on generosity. The main Bible passage that he was expounding on was Luke 12: 35-48 (which I will share here so you don't have to look it up on Google):

"Stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them. If he comes in the second watch, or in the third, and finds them awake, blessed are those servants! But know this, that if the master of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have left his house to be broken into. You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour your do not expect.

Peter said, "Lord, are you telling this parable for us or for all?" And the Lord said, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find doing so when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant says to himself, 'My master is delayed in coming,' and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and get drunk, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know, and will cut him in pieces and put him with the unfaithful. And that servant who knew his master's will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

I normally don't feel the need to recap sermons from church and blog about them, but something from the message really stuck out to me today. I know it's a lot of verses to think about at once, but you need to know the context for the one that spoke to me. The gist of this whole passage is that Jesus is talking about the faithfulness of those who say they follow him. He is the master, I am the steward. Jesus mentions four kinds of servants: the first is faithful and responsible; the second one acts like there is no master and believes that what he has been put in charge of is his, dominating others and being a glutton, living only for instant gratification; the third servant knows what the master wants and just doesn't do it; the fourth doesn't know the master's will and does wrong. Each receives an appropriate reward or consequence for their behavior.

(As an aside, it's not religious behavior, going through the motions just to get the cookie or gold star that I'm writing about here. Jesus never mentions that. As my pastor pointed out, Jesus is talking about faithfulness. What the servants know of the master and how they respond is the point. We are saved by faith not empty works. I can't do anything to save myself or make God love me more. I want to be a faithful servant not because doing so will get me into Heaven, but because I'm already loved and my behavior overflows from a thankful and joyful heart.)

The verse I highlighted is the one that won't get out of my mind. It's very sobering, and reminds me that talk is cheap and easy. Action is much harder and requires following through on what I say I believe. The outright hedonism of the second servant is easy to condemn and the punishment is just--I know that I'm not my own master, and that God has entrusted me with many resources that I need to manage wisely. So I'm not the fourth servant either--I know God's will (in this area at least). So that means I'm either the faithful steward...or the defiant one. Do I know what God wants and desires for me to do and carry it out faithfully, even when it's hard....or do I just give Jesus the middle finger and go about my own business, knowing full well that it's not what I really should be doing? I'm still a Christian, redeemed by Jesus, saved from Hell....but when I get to Heaven, I really don't want to hear, "You could have done so much more with what I gave you." Or even worse, "Why were you so faithless?"

Sitting in church, I was very convicted with the realization that I'm the I-know-but-I-don't-care servant. I say I love Jesus and go to church and read my Bible and blah blah blah. I can have all the Bible knowledge in the world, but it doesn't mean squat if I'm not doing anything about it. Theology doesn't mean anything if it's only filling my head and not my heart. If my day-to-day behavior isn't reflecting what I say I believe, then I don't really believe what I say. And you can quote me on that. (Especially if it's right after I've just done something blatantly wrong; it's good for me to eat humble pie, particularly if it's my own words coming back at me.)

In talking about faithfulness in generosity, people tend to think of money first and foremost. It's easy to write a check and feel like I've contributed to something. I can say I'm pretty generous with my monetary resources--I regularly give funds to missionaries, charitable organizations, my church, to those in need. It really doesn't take that much effort. There is more to generosity than that. Money, sure. But what about giving of my talents? Okay, volunteering, teaching, sharing my art knowledge. Yeah, it takes a little bit of effort. Now what about giving my time? Not just volunteering, actively doing something I choose, but building friendships, deep relationships, giving of myself, sacrificing comfort and ease to be face-to-face with someone else and being real. Sacrificing "me time." Oooh, now that's a lot harder. It's easy to do something without engaging my heart.

But God calls me to love. And love is many things: patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, not always insisting that things go my way, not irritable or resentful, not rejoicing when things go wrong for others. Love endures through trial and perseveres, not giving up simply because it's not convenient or a little too much work. (paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Damn. Being a follower of Jesus is hard.

I know what's what. So the question is what am I going to do with that knowledge? Faithfulness...or defiance?

The Elephant Room Round 2: Quote Dump

Okay, so I said I would write individual posts for each quote that I wrote down from The Elephant Room....but, to be honest, I'm tired of writing about it and want to blog about other things. So I'm going to dump all the rest of the quotes into this post and be done with it. Here you go:

In reference to "doing church," T.D. Jakes said, "We keep trying to formalize that which isn't a formula."  People can get so hung up on the order and ritual of how to do a church service that they lose focus of what's important. It doesn't matter whether the offering is collected before or after the sermon. Worship can be accompanied by an organ or an electric guitar. There's not one "right" way to do church. I think God was smart to not say in the Bible how the first Christians conducted their services. The message always stays the same, but the mode of communicating it needs to adapt to speak to the culture. Mark Driscoll posed a poignant question: "If people meet Jesus, is there a wrong way to do that?" He also reminded the naysayers and nitpickers that "it's easier to be a critic than a pastor."

In a discussing leaders failing in the church, James MacDonald pointed out, "Fifty percent of leadership is self-management." As leaders, there is more at stake if one should fall, so there needs to be accountability sought out and submitted to. No man is an island. And those who fail are at fault and must take responsibility for their actions. But as T.D. Jakes noted, "We have not been taught to scream [ask for help]." Pastors and ministry leaders think they have to be perfect, as if to admit weakness were to be a failure....when all you're admitting to is that you're human! As I've written about before, I find that mindset ridiculous. Crawford Lorritts said, "Your identity is not your ministry." Any Christian's order of priorities (especially those in leadership) needs to be God first and foremost, followed by family, then your work (ministry related or not). He also pointed out that those who are owning up to failure must have the right heart behind the confession: "If they're concerned about their reputation, they're not repentant." But many leaders are afraid to admit their failures, because they worry about unforgiveness or retribution from those in their churches. As Mark Driscoll has stated before, "Hard words create soft people, soft words create hard people." If people are hearing the truth of the Bible--justice and mercy, that sin needs to be truly repented of and dealt with and forgiven--and seeing that faith lived out in their leaders, they will follow that path as well. Christians don't need to be perfect people, we need to be repentant people! We need to extend grace and hold people accountable. We must not enable sin, but we also don't want to make those who have failed afraid to repentant.

Loving communication within the church is so needed right now. Civility in our country and churches has been lost, and we all suffer for it. We demonize and shun those we don't agree with, turning it into a game of Us vs. Them. T.D. Jakes called that out: "We've got to learn to talk to each other, or we're going to die." The church doesn't need more division and strife. We've got to draw together and remember that we serve the same Jesus. Satan loves when Christians despise one another, because his work is already done. Jakes gave a good reminder, "If the leaders are loving the people will be as well." We can't let our preferences become our prejudices. Jack Graham encouraged reaching outside of our comfort zone and building friendships, "When I know you, I can love you." Some of the best and longest lasting relationships can be found in the most unexpected places. Crawford Lorritts shared wise advice he was given as a young man, "Don't let anybody tell you who your friends can be!"

And that last quote was my favorite for the day.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Church

I shared my initial impression about the Elephant Room Round 2 last week, and have had time to mull over the things that stuck out to me. I jotted down some pithy insights and great one liners from all the pastors that attended. I'm going to devote a blog to each quote and how it impacted me.

A bit of a caveat before I begin: I'm not going to nitpick or criticize--that has been done to death enough elsewhere on the interwebs. I don't need to pick at so-called theological fallacies or whatever. I'm going to focus on the positive and edifying things I learned and leave the negativity to others. Sure, I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. My goal is to expound on the truths that spoke to me personally. I stick with a micro focus on this blog, not a macro one. Write what you know, right? I know me and my heart and that's what I feel qualified to pontificate about. Anyways.

Pastor Jack Graham

Jack Graham caught me with this line during the first discussion about denominations:

"Most people don't show up looking for the Baptist church, the Methodist church. They show up looking for the Jesus church."

I feel like this hits squarely on the head something that has bothered me over the years. The argument over denominations and which one is "better" is a family issue. In that I mean, if you're not a Christian, it seems silly and can be rather confusing. To someone who's not a believer, Baptists and Lutherans look pretty much the same; telling them that one is better than the other is like telling a non-sports fan that the Vikings are better than the Packers. "They both wear spandex and play football. The only difference to me is one wears green and yellow and the other purple and yellow." If you're not part of the club, you just don't care. It's trying to teach someone Calculus before they've mastered Algebra. If the basics aren't covered, how on earth are you supposed to grasp consecutive issues?

And the debate about denominations shouldn't be the point. You don't invite someone to become an Episcopalian. Or accept Luther into their heart. Or pray to Calvin. To re-word what Graham said, people come to church looking for Jesus not theologians. First and foremost, church should be about Jesus. His love, his sacrifice for our sins, his death and resurrection. He is Lord, God, Savior, Healer, Comforter...Friend. Jesus said Christians are supposed to be known by our love. Not our debates. Not our theological differences. Not name calling and questioning others' faith. That at the end of the day, the body of Christ, the church, can lay aside our differences and be a family. In a family, you don't necessarily like each other all the time, you might snap and quarrel with each other....but underneath the temporary flared emotions, you are bound together and truly love each other. Just because one of my sisters says something I don't agree with doesn't mean she's not part of the family. I don't question whether my brother is truly related to me if he does something I wouldn't do. (I know that metaphor only goes so far, but if someone says they believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and are working to live out their faith, there's room for disagreement on open handed issues)

My best friend is Lutheran and I lean towards Baptist, I guess, though I was raised in a non-denominational church. We both call ourselves Christian and love Jesus. If we're going to talk about our faith to a non-believer, Jesus and his love gets top billing. Just writing this post has been a good reminder for me to keep my focus on Jesus first and not secondary, lesser issues.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Initial thoughts

Nice logo design by the way.

I was at Grace Church of Eden Prairie for the majority of the day today, watching a live simulcast of The Elephant Room Round 2. I'm so glad I took the day off from work and went, because it was so edifying. I was surprised, convicted, encouraged. I jotted down so many amazing quotes from all the speakers, but especially T.D. Jakes. I actually went because I listen to Mark Driscoll's sermons regularly, but T.D. Jakes is the one who really made me think today. Man, does that guy have a lot of insight and wisdom! He throws out these one liners that encapsulate what would take another preacher paragraphs. I really hadn't heard him speak before, beyond seeing him briefly on TBN when channel flipping. He just blew my mind with the truth he spoke. It's not like it was anything new to me, but just the way he worded it made me see things in a new light.

Bishop T.D. Jakes pwned it today.

One of his quotes that stuck out to me the most was when he was discussing race and segregation in the church: "You can't integrate the church until you've integrated your heart." I mean, just think about that. It gets right to the crux of the issue--it's not about out there, what we need to do as a church or culture...it starts with one person: me and the state of my heart. Convicting and encouraging: I can't point fingers, I have to work on myself, but at the same time, all I have to worry about is one person and not what everybody else is thinking and doing.

And that's just from ONE sentence from one of the seven pastors that participated! There's so much that I took in today, I'm going to have to let it marinate for a few days and process it all. I'm going to break my thoughts into multiple blogs, because there was so much I gleaned from this conference. I jotted down a lot of great quotes, which I will use as a spring board to further the discussion I got to listen to today. And I'm sure they'll be posting video clips again this year, so I'll try to find those to share with you as well.

The biggest thing I took away from The Elephant Room, beyond all the different issues and questions, is that as Christians we need to be able to sit down together and discuss issues that we disagree on and still love each other at the end of it. If Mark Driscoll and T.D. Jakes can debate and learn from each other, the rest of us can too.

Church, tattoo convention, work party

That was my Sunday yesterday in chronological order. It was an interesting day to say the least.

10:00-11:30am
I love going to church. I've written about that before on here--how much I appreciate being able to go when I don't have to work. I don't know, I guess when you can't go (and not simply because you decided to sleep in) you realize how much you actually like it. My pastor just kicked off a series on generosity, which is always a needed reminder to not hold my possessions too tightly. To be honest, he could talk a lot longer and I would be happy to keep listening. He's low key and not over the top, but you can totally see his deep love for preaching God's Word. He's got a quiet yet intense passion for sharing God's Word. My week is always good if I can start if off with church.

2:30-5:30pm
My sister, Leah, and I went to the Minneapolis Tattoo Arts Convention, which wasn't as cool as you would think. My tattoo artists asked me to go and enter a contest for best female back piece. I've paid $20 to get into the MN Renaissance Festival, so I was expecting a little more for my money. This was the first tattoo convention I've ever been to, but Leah and I both weren't that impressed. It was kinda dingy, smelled like cigarette smoke (even though we were in a hotel), and there wasn't too much going on. It was definitely cool to look at all the portfolios--there are just some amazing tattoo artists out there! Unfortunately, the idea of good presentation was lost on some: Leah had one album falling apart in her hands as she turned the pages. I'm sorry, but if you don't care enough to present your work well, that reflects poorly on you as an artist and makes me question your care when inking somebody. I may be a bit biased but Beloved Studios, in my opinion, totally gets that. They had lovely look books for the three artists that were there.

So, I entered the contest...and did not win. But the pieces that beat me out were AMAZING! The lady who won first place had this fantastic full back tattoo (I'm talking from the tops of her shoulders to just above her butt). It was a tiger with a Japanese inspired landscape behind it; the thing looked like a painting, it was so rich and vibrant. She just looked like a an average middle aged Minnesotan, and then, bam!, crazy amazing tattoo. Kudos to you, lady!

Leah did find a vendor who sells some awesome earrings of the kind she likes.

It was cool to see all the awesome tattoos that were being shown off for the contests, but the announcer had such a foul mouth. I'm like, "Really?! This is a public venue--you're not sitting around drinking with your buddies. A little professionalism would be nice." It just amazes me the derogatory things directed at them that women will laugh at. But apparently that is the prevalent view for the types of people who were there. It saddens me that so many women accept that as normal and okay.

I wanted to show off my back without being immodest; it took me quite a while to find a shirt that covered me completely in the front. I'm proud of my tattoo and want people to see it, but I'm not going to walk around half naked to do so. Unfortunately, I seem to be in the minority. I respect myself and expect others to treat me respectfully as well. I'm also not going to go out scantily clad either. Part of getting respect is dressing like I deserve it. Anyways.

The best part of the whole thing was that I found an awesome birthday present for my other sister, Hannah. It's something you would not expect to find at a tattoo convention at all, yet it fits her to a T. And yes, her birthday isn't until October. What can I say, if I find something I know people will like, I just buy it and hang onto it.

So, I can say I've been to a tattoo convention, but I definitely won't attend that particular one again. It just wasn't worth $20 to get in and then pay $10 to enter a contest. Mainly I just went to support Beloved and show off their awesome work.

And part of me is like, why would you want to get a tattoo in that environment? You're only going to be able to get something small, because you have limited time. It's a loud, distracting, crowded place. At least for me, if I'm going to be getting needles stabbed into my skin, I'd prefer it to be somewhere more private and less chaotic. If I really like a particular artist and want to get a piece done by them, I'll save up my money and travel to wherever their shop is.

7:00-11:00pm
Yes, it was a Christmas party in January. When you work in retail, there's no way you could close early in December to throw your employees a holiday bash. It's actually pretty nice to have it now: the holidays are over, it's not so insane at work, people are more relaxed and in the mood to have fun. Half Price rented out a banquet hall at Grumpy's in Roseville. I thought it was nice and had a great time. I rarely see my co-workers outside of our job, so it was great to hang out and not have to talk about work related stuff. No grumpy customers, no bodily fluids to clean up, no massive book buys to sort through....just food and good company. I invited a former co-worker to come as my guest, and it was so awesome to see her! It was a great evening of hanging out and laughing a lot. I really am blessed to work at a place where I get along with all my co-workers so well. There can be so much drama in some work places, but at my store we tend to laugh more than anything.

It was a very full Sunday to say the least!

To love is to risk

"Jesus followers join churches because they want to be like Jesus and will risk loving others deeply. Don't even deny the pain of this risk and naively think that truly living in community as the church with sinners is easy. Church squabbles do injure innocent people. Church leaders do disappoint when they don't live up to their calling. Other believers do betray trust and cause disillusionment. Every Christian both suffers these pains and causes others to suffer harm. To love is to risk and grow through pain, and those who want to love well choose to suffer pain rather than self-protect by abandoning church." ~Mark Driscoll, Doctrine, pg. 340

This is true, but it's not easy to live out. I have been betrayed deeply, to the core of who I am, by people I looked up to and thought were friends.
As a tween, my heart was shattered by a childhood friend--I know from experience what it's like to go through what the Bible calls the dark night of the soul. To weep yourself to sleep is a nice poetic phrase, the reality is something I don't ever wish to repeat. People use "It broke/breaks my heart," so flippantly. You feel like you're dying when it truly happens, like you're being torn in half. To love someone so deeply and innocently as a child....and when it's so callously thrown in your face, and you realize you are esteemed so little by them....it's very hard to overcome. As a kid, you haven't gained the coping skills and maturity yet to process that. An adult is hurt and wounded but knows how to move on, a child is destroyed.

I've mentioned before about being abused as well by a neighborhood boy who was several years older than me. "Love" is twisted into something weird, but you don't realize it at the time. As a child, you just believe that someone older than you knows better and that what they're doing is okay. You look up to this person, you love them and do what they say. Later, you figure out that it's not okay, but you feel scared and worry that you'll get in trouble if you say anything. Maybe you try to tell someone, but it doesn't come out right, you chicken out, it's too weird or uncomfortable to talk about...so you just let it drop. Or maybe like me, you blocked out the memories and they didn't come back until years later. Then all of sudden you're thrown into a tail spin.....what is this? Am I going crazy? What...what are these memories? What do I do with this? I don't have the words to talk about this.......I'm just going to pretend I didn't remember.

But you can't. You've become a different person and how you interact with others has been forever altered. You become harder, detached, independent (who needs people, I'm fine on my own), never getting too close, just waiting for the day when they fail you, always holding back part of yourself so you never have to feel that pain again. You are strong, capable, you protect others but don't let anyone protect you. God helps those who help themselves, right?

And how you see God? Well, He's God, so He's loving....but maybe He's not as powerful as the Bible says. Because why would He let your heart get destroyed like that? Why do you feel so alone in this pain, haunted by these past wrongs and unable to move beyond them? Where's the healing, Lord? Why on earth should I trust your people to help?! We barely talk about healthy sexuality in the church....no, it's better to keep it to myself.

And so it goes. Too afraid to open up, the fear of discovery of your shame, fear of being let down, scared of what people might think or say, scared of being broken again (you'd never pull the pieces back together again), afraid, fearful, terrified.......Fear rules and reigns in your life. It chokes you, determining every interaction you have with another person, chases you at night and hinders your sleep.....and it just never lets up. You just want it to stop. You try your hardest to move beyond it, stuffing it down, pretending you don't feel it......but the fear comes back. You tell yourself you're being silly, irrational, a stupid teenager--it's just hormones, but you feel the same anyway.

Finally, one night, you're at the end of your rope and cry out from the depths of your soul. You've prayed before, but tonight something is different. You feel some peace and sleep heavily, looking forward to this youth group conference you're going on tomorrow. It's the start of something new, though you don't know that yet. God shows up, you feel His presence in such a way that you are forever changed. You cry and admit that the wounds of the past still hurt so much. It's the beginning of a journey towards healing and renewal. You are alive again!

And now, here I am almost a decade later. God's brought me on a crazy journey since 2002. It's not all sunshine and sparkles, but it's better. I have come far and overcome much, and the road still stretches on in front of me.

Why do I tell all this in a post about loving others and risking my heart to be in real relationships with other Christians? To show that it's not just words, naive churchy speak. To say, "God doesn't want me to be alone," is easy. I truly believe it....even though I still struggle with taking down the walls around my heart. Even though I have been wounded and betrayed and hurt....I still need His people. I need love, I need to be connected with others, I can't live live alone. I don't just need Jesus in my life--I need His followers too. His messed up, hypocritical, gossipy, sinful failures who can be pretty mean sometimes...because that's me too. I need forgiveness for my failings just as much as I need to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged me.

I hang onto the fact that God is love, and there is nothing evil about Him. He says He is all powerful, and I do doubt sometimes, but I believe Him. He's just and good, and says all evil will be accounted for and judged. He says He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I'm protected, even if I might not feel like it. He says He has a plan and hope for my future, that everyday His mercy is renewed in my life. It's not just pithy Bible verses, it's what I hold onto when Fear comes whispering, when my heart quivers and fails. My faith is not based on what I feel at any given moment; my foundation is that God is love.

I need to trust Him. That if I open up, share of myself, risk being vulnerable (in a wise and healthy way), dare to build deep relationships, moving beyond shallow "how are you?" to "I love and care for you," that He will be there for me. If people fail me, God won't. If I'm rejected, He will always be there. I don't want a lonely, empty life because I let fear rule me. I don't want to hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt. To really love, I have to let go of my heart and trust that God will take care of it. I realize that people will fail me, might betray me, may leave me.....but I my worth is not found in them.

Jesus loved and shared His heart and life freely, then was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He knows what that pain feels like. He knows what it's like to feel utterly alone and abandoned. He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back. He knows. And that gives me comfort, because my God has experienced what I feel. And He loves anyways. Not because He's stupid, but because a life without love is empty and meaningless.

Year in review part 2: Friends

In my last post, I focused on my family and God's grace in our lives over the past year. I'd like to turn now to my friends.
God's been teaching me a lot about what true friendship looks like recently. I need to reach out to others and form new relationships without neglecting the good friends I've already got. I tend to drift away from people after a few years for whatever reason; over this last year, some old acquaintances have come back into my life and our relationships have been renewed.

There's something very comforting about having someone who has known you for a while. You have those shared experiences and old jokes that you still find funny. An old friend doesn't need to dig for conversation topics, things just flow and an hour or two passes before you realize it. They know about your past awkward phases and bad haircuts, and love you just the same. I'm so appreciative of my long time friends. You know who you are, and I'm so glad you're in my life! My heart is fuller, my spirit richer because of your friendship. You put up with my faults and encourage me to be a better person. I love being able to share my weirdness and nerdy self with you. I might not see you for awhile, but we can pick up where we left off and have a grand time when we hang out together.We can talk about silly, shallow, light-hearted things, but we can also be real, deep and open with who we are. I love that. And I love you! I look forward to this coming year and getting to know you even better.

On the flip side, I've had to let some people slip out of my life, because I realized they're just not worth keeping in touch with. The problem with our Facebook culture is that relationships that would have naturally grown distant otherwise maintain this artificial intimacy. You see each other's status updates and Like their cute kitty pictures....but you haven't seen or spoken to them in person for over a year (or more). It's not like you hate them, they're actually pretty cool....but you don't have any kind of real interaction or relationship beyond the Internet.

Facebook is great for keeping in touch with long distance friends--I love that we can stay up to date and keep up with what's going in each other's lives. It supplements other communication. But for those casual acquaintances you wouldn't have kept in touch with, it can become kind of weird. We were friends once or saw a lot of each other at a particular point, some shared experience in our lives. But now? I haven't seen you since high school or whenever. It makes me feel mean to unfriend someone, but I realize I don't need to keep in touch with everybody. I can let them go and not be a bad person.

And some friendships I valued more than the other person and had different expectations for. I know that they don't place the same value on our relationship that I do and that will never change. I just have to accept that and stop trying to convince myself otherwise. It hurts a little bit to realize that and deal with it but it's the healthy and wise thing to do. I don't want to try to believe a lie. Letting go and moving on is the wise thing to do. I need to invest in relationships that are mutual not one-sided.

So, it's been the year of renewal and letting go, but also making new friends, relationships in their embryo phase. As I wrote recently, I finally found a church to call my own. Antioch Community Church has been a breath of fresh air into my life. For many reasons--which I don't need to go into here--I stopped going to church while in college and never got back into it once I graduated. I'd been sporadically attending the church I grew up in, but I'm a different person now and it's not the right fit anymore. I'm thankful for that church family--I grew up there and learned so much. Some of those people are more like family than those I'm actually related to! It's really like having a third side of my family. So this is not a diss to you, old church. I love many of you and will definitely continue to keep in touch. But it's predominantly a church of families and older singles, and I want relationships with my peers too. Also, it's in the suburbs and I feel called to the city seeing as how I've grown up here in Minneapolis.

So, Antioch. I checked it out a few times over the summer and committed to attending it within the last few months. I have never felt so welcomed as a stranger in a new place. I've gotten more plugged in as I've been able to re-arrange my work schedule. I'm hoping to go through their membership class coming up in January. There is something so REAL going on there, and I want to be part of that. I'm really excited to see what this next year will bring as I get to know more people. I feel like I can really share who I am--not just the "How are you?" "Good." "And you?" "Great." exchanges typical of churchy culture. I have gotten a phenomenal response of encouragement and desire for friendship back from sharing just a snippet of my testimony in church. I feel like I can be myself--crazy bright clothes, flowers in my hair and all the rest. I feel no need to hide any aspect of myself or partition off parts that might be unpalatable (part of that comes from getting older and more confident in myself too). For the first time in a long time, I'm excited to get up and go to church on Sundays. I look forward to it! I'm excited to go to community group and get to know people better. So, new church, looking forward to the next 12 months with you.

Continue on to Part 3: Me

Porn: "It's easy satisfaction"

I just read this article about a pastor struggling with addiction to porn. It saddens me so much that pastors and ministry leaders feel like they have to hide their weaknesses and sin.

Jesus wants us to be FREE!

I have first hand experience with that though: my ex-boyfriend from a few years back. He was going to a Bible college, involved with his church, planned on being a pastor....and was very addicted to porn. He ended up cheating on me with a friend of his from school. Sinful thoughts, not repented of and held accountable, lead into sinful actions. He held to an old-school (and in my mind, unhealthy) view of church: the head pastor is in charge of everything and everyone and can't admit to weakness. 

Yeah, because apparently pastors aren't human? They can't get tired, sick, weary, angry, lonely, hungry? I think it's ridiculous that some people put pastors up on a pedestal, as if they're somehow above their congregants. Guess what? Those in ministry are people too! Who'd of thought? I think it's stupid to expect one man to run a whole church. I'm a big fan of the multiple pastor model--spread the responsibility around. CEOs delegate--pastors should too. Anyways.

This mindset of "I have to be strong, I'm on a pedestal, I must be uber-Christian," leads to no accountability and extreme lonelines. "I can't admit to struggling with something so base as sexual temptation. People will think less of me." Actually, I think more of someone who can be humble and vulnerable and admit to being weak.
My favorite quote from the article I mentioned:  "Part of the problem of pornography is that "it's easy satisfaction," Finlayson-Fife says. "It doesn't require vulnerability and openness to another person." Exactly! It's easier to let everyone look up to you, than take the hard route and open up about what you're struggling with. Sadly, there are those who don't want to think of their pastor as a normal human being.

One of the hardest things to say to another person is "Help me. I can't do this by myself." You're opening up yourself to the possibility of being hurt and wounded--it's hard to be vulnerable! Who wants to admit to being weak? But here's the thing: if our church leaders can't be open and honest...what does that mean for the rest of us who are under their leadership? We need to hold them responsible to repent and lean on Jesus...and we need to do the same. How can we be "one body" following Christ if we can't share our struggles with each other? We're supposed to be defined by our love, but not a weak, sappy, sentimental "love." True love accepts you where you are as you are...but it doesn't want you to stay there!

So, we have a wide spread problem in Christian circles of addiction to porn, sexuality twisted into something unhealthy, something good created by God turned into an idol people worship. Here's the thing: we can't blame external sources for the sin. Before the modern era, the computer, the smart phone, people still worshiped at the altar of sex, taking it out of its God ordained place. The mode of consuming it might have changed, but it's still the same sin. The inclination to sin is internal--our hearts are bent that way naturally. The blame doesn't lie in stress, a busy day, difficult people, feeling lonely, whatever...at the end of the day, it's about a choice we each individually make in the quiet of our own hearts and minds. Do I give in, do I take the easy way? Or do I resist and fight...even though I'm tired, weak, scared, alone? I want that quick pleasure...but I know it ultimately doesn't fulfill me. The more sin is given into, the more power it has over us. Eventually the pleasure becomes addiction, and it's not that we want it...we need it. And the chains pile on and become so hard to break.

We're supposed to be the master of ourselves, self controlled. Jesus said he came to give us "life--more abundant." He knows we are weak creatures and unable to rescue ourselves. He made us for community. Hiding and lying about our struggles just isolates and separates us from each other. We are strongest when we are united in relying on Christ. The sinner needs to take responsibility for their sin, confess and repent, seek help and accountability. The ones sought for help need to be loving and supportive yet not enabling the sin to continue. A pat on the head and a slap on the wrist helps no one at the end of the day. It's not okay--it's sin! It is hard to break free, and can take a long time.

I apologize if this post is a bit rambling. There's just so much rattling around in my head right now about this. Ultimately, I think the most important thing is that we need to break this culture of pretending that "I'm okay, you're okay, Jesus is awesome!" Guess what? Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean it's always going to be super-awesome-fun-times. Life actually sucks quite a bit some days. And that's okay! Following Jesus full-heartedly usually is hard. I give you permission to drop the facade and admit that you're struggling. If we cultivate a culture where our Christian leaders feel like they can admit to sinning and being weak and know that they'll get help and support, I think it'll be better for everyone.

A beginning?

Last night was a good night. God spoke to me and through me, and I feel like a new chapter in my life has begun. The seeds of...something just starting to bud.

It started out inauspiciously, as most days do: I worked 9am-5pm, a long tiring shift. I really don't like working Sundays. It doesn't matter that I get other days off in a week--if I have to work Sunday I just don't feel as rested. It's firmly cemented in my subconscious as the day to rest. Sunday is for getting up slowly, reading some of the paper with a mug of steaming chai tea in hand, then heading over to church, then home again for more newspaper reading and hanging out with family and just being. Anyways, my church had an evening service last night due to Thanksgiving. I was debating about going, because I was tired and sore after work. My right knee has been aching this week, and I just feel very worn out. But I usually get to go to Sunday services only twice a month because of my work schedule, so I went.

I drove over there half an hour early, because my favorite restaurant, the Wilde Roast Cafe, is about three blocks south of where my church meets. I usually don't walk that far without my leg braces, but I really, really like Wilde Roast's chai tea. It was a perfect cool, crisp evening in Northeast Minneapolis: no wind, the stars peeking through the scattered clouds, and the city....oh, that skyline! As a city girl, I love my skyline, especially at night. Downtown Minneapolis has a lot of skyscrapers that are mostly wrapped in glass. It glitters and shimmers like a jewel after the sun goes down. It was unusually quiet last night as I walked. The rhythm of my boots hitting the sidewalk and the distant ever present sound of the highway were all that I heard. It was glorious to be honest. There were a few people here and there ahead of me, but pretty much it was just me and the city. It has a song, you know. On night's like that you can really hear the city sing. To me, it's beautiful. I got my chai tea and headed back. I was walking along St. Anthony Main,which has this old world feel to it, with uneven cobblestone sidewalks. I looked up this stairway that leads up the hill...and there was an old church all lit up, its stained glass windows shining out into the night. It was just perfect. "Thank you, God." He knows me so well--I'm easily pleased with little moments like that. And again, no one else was about. I was already glad I'd decided to come to church. It was quiet and beautiful....and expectant. It's hard to explain, but I feel God's presence in moments like that. Not like I could reach out and touch Him, but just that He's there; and I know He orchestrated that particular instance for me because it gave me such quiet joy. I was ready for church after my brisk walk and warm drink.

And church was amazing. It was a special Thanksgiving service, so no sermon, just worship music and an open mic for people to share about God's goodness in their lives. There was a little thing off to the side for people to write down an "Ebenezer," which means "stone of help or testimony," a memorial to what God has done. As soon as I heard that, I felt God poking me to get up and speak.

Over the last few months, I've been having "stone of testimony" be brought up by different sources that are completely unrelated to each other. When that happens, I listen, because obviously, God's trying to get something through to me. I feel like He's telling me to stop living in fear and be bold, to speak out about what He's done in my life. It started when I wrote the full story of my wings to a pen pal friend, then I felt convicted to share that story so publicly on this blog. And last night, I felt I had to share some of that testimony at church. I really don't like public speaking, by the way. I literally tremble when I'm standing in front of others like that. So I sat and fidgeted in my chair, my heart in my throat, knowing I had to get up, walk to the front and turn and face the crowd...and speak. I sat through others' stories and was the last one to share. I couldn't not do it. I was compelled, though my heart was beating like crazy.

My mind had been spinning, trying to figure out the right words, to make it pretty and polished. I mentally hushed myself as I stood. If God wanted me to speak, He would give me the words to say. And so I shared about how God has been teaching me about stones of testimony recently, that when He brings the same message from different sources, I need to listen and obey what I hear. I said I'm thankful for freedom, that Christ has redeemed and saved me from darkness.I gave a brief background on my wings and how I am a living stone of testimony to God's goodness.
I was open, vulnerable, honest; my body shook and I thought my voice trembled. I had to rest my free hand on the podium, because it was shaking so badly. I spoke briefly of being abused and the darkness and isolation that I felt. How hard it is to speak of it, because the devil wants us to think we're alone and no one else would want to know, that they would be disgusted. The shame, guilt, fear and self loathing that overwhelm and isolate. The thought that, "No one can know, it's too dark, too disgusting....too shameful. I feel unclean and unworthy." But I said that God doesn't want me to live in fear anymore. He was redeemed me, walking into my darkness and not leaving me there. He wants to me to be bold and speak of what He has done in my life. That without Him, His goodness and mercy, I would be bereft and broken. I know goodness and light because I have experienced evil and darkness. I can say God IS GOOD from experience not sappy naivete. Life is not a Thomas Kinkade painting, I know that...but there is still good to be found, it's just not the "everything is always kittens and rainbows" kind. It's goodness forged like gold refined through fire.

I spoke for a few minutes, then walked back to my seat and sat down. After the service, I had multiple people come up to me and thank me for sharing. I had a few really good conversations, with the possibility of forging some deeper connections. I've been attending this church off and on since this summer...but something changed last night. I'm not an outsider anymore. I mean, I didn't feel excluded at all before...but there was an irrevocable change, a forging of....something. I'm not quite sure yet, but it feels like a beginning to something good. I mentioned to Hannah after I got home last night, that it feels like a new chapter in my life is getting underway, that there's promise of something deeper and challenging (in a good way) coming my way. We shall have to see where this story leads.