I just finished watching this message, The Porn Path preached by Mark Driscoll, and it was heart wrenching. And I don't just mean, "Oh, that sucks, I feel sad about that." It feels like my heart is clenched in my chest right now. I can't really even adequately describe what my emotions are at the moment.
I usually make it a point not to blog when I'm feeling an extreme emotion, because things get said in the heat of the moment that are regretted later. But in this case, I want to write while I'm still feeling the weight and impact of what Pastor Mark spoke on and the former porn star he interviewed said. I don't really want to be logical and removed about this. I'm not writing in hot-headed anger or woe-is-me despair or I-want-attention-look-at-me low self esteem......it's just this heavy brokenness over what I've just heard.
I cried multiple times, and not just over the broken lives spoken of in the sermon, but for myself, how my life has been affected, in ways both overt and subtle. From a broken relationship to the way I feel walking alone on the street.
And also for those I know who are afflicted by the plague of pornography: My ex who felt bad and oh-so-sorry every time, but who eventually cheated on me, refusing to see how little sins lead to bigger ones, more concerned over having a good reputation than being honest and seeking help. (I can only hope he's changed since I broke up with him....)
The guy who molested me--I can only imagine what led him to do that. Perhaps he was abused himself. Maybe he was just acting out what he'd seen somewhere. Either way, his view of sexuality and how to treat females got messed up somewhere along the line.
I mourn for the innumerable men who are currently in Bible college, destroying future ministries, disqualifying themselves, paving the path to the ruin of their marriages, setting themselves up for limited or no eternal impact, stunted spiritual lives....because they've gotten sucked in to the black hole of pornography. Their relationships with their wives and children being eaten away with every page view.
My heart is broken for the women and children whose lives are being shattered. Not only the wives and girlfriends who feel second rate to a 2-D Photoshopped image, feeling like they can never measure up, but for the porn stars as well. Those women are being destroyed too. Thinking that they'll find acceptance or love...and only getting shame and emptiness out of the bargain. They're just as much a victim.
It's not right. I don't care what you think, it's. just. not. right.
I don't want to share my future husband with a computer screen.
I don't want to feel unsafe in my own neighborhood, because men view women as something to be used and not cherished.
I don't want my sisters' future relationships to end the way mine did.
I don't want any more broken marriages, because porn is more titillating than your spouse.
I don't want more women destroyed, because they're only wanted for their bodies and not their hearts.
I don't want children's innocence ripped away from rape and abuse, predominantly by adults they know and trust to protect them.
How many more hearts need to be ripped to shreds before we get it?
And the answer isn't found in just changing our outward behavior, adjusting what we do. The only way that healing and true change is going to come is to realize that we need to go to our hearts. We can modify the behavior all we want, but the addiction will still be there. The emptiness still won't be filled. The longings for true intimacy won't be met. And we will still be trapped in sin.
The cliche' way to end this would be to say, "What we need is Jesus! And it'll all be better!" The world does need his love and grace. But we also need his destroying our sin, removing the person we once were and transforming us into his likeness. And that's not easy. People get discouraged because they think once they repent, everything's going to be cupcakes and roses. It's work. It takes dedication and perseverance to keep going. We don't break habits in a day. And addictions don't generally magically go away.
Just.....watch the message. Be broken. And be changed.
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