God's Grace

This was a note I wrote on Facebook back in December, but it's been a train of thought for me again of late, so I thought I'd share it here:

I  was looking back through my timeline this morning, remembering the drama and craziness of college. Reminiscing about the people who have passed through my life for a season and I no longer keep in touch with, and also the ones who remain dear friends whether near or far.
Skimming through highlights of my life from the past seven years is strange--I forget so quickly the struggles, the times of tears, carrying a wounded spirit and a broken heart. And it's just as easy to forget the joys, the bright moments, the times of happiness and fun, and maturing into someone new. My time in college has started to blur together, and I have to remind myself that those three and a half years were a huge turning point in my life.
I went through a lot and came out the other side a better person, stronger, wiser, more sure of who I am in God. I don't want to forget how good God has been to me, how He walked with me as I went through counseling, challenged me to listen to Him over stupid people, called me to return to Him when I'd messed up, and just loved me where I was.
I'm thankful that He never gave up on me, even though I can be so stubborn and have a thick skull to get through. There were times where God pretty much had to beat me over the head repeatedly for me to be like, "Uh, I think you might be trying to tell me something, Lord?" I'm glad He's more stubborn and patient than I am!
The thing I am most thankful for is that I found my voice. I felt like I had no story, no great purpose to my life--I couldn't see how God was working. But looking back now, I can definitely see it. He was there, when I was a super shy freshman, when I went through an unhealthy relationship for two years, when I was figuring out being an artist, when I was juggling working full time and finishing school, and just figuring out how to be an adult. I couldn't see it at the time, being so caught up in the day to day of life.
But I'm starting to see how He has been directing my life, guiding my uncertain steps, leading me towards something good. And now I'm beginning a new chapter in my life. Not just getting married, though that's huge, but also stepping into new opportunities, accepting new challenges, considering new ideas and ways of doing things, and being open to God's leading down new roads. I don't want to let myself get hung up on the past, staying in a rut and not growing as a person. God wants more from me, I can feel it....and I'm willing to follow Him, to be open and willing to grow into a woman after His own heart (whatever that looks like). 

Reaction to The Porn Path

I just finished watching this message, The Porn Path preached by Mark Driscoll, and it was heart wrenching. And I don't just mean, "Oh, that sucks, I feel sad about that." It feels like my heart is clenched in my chest right now. I can't really even adequately describe what my emotions are at the moment.

I usually make it a point not to blog when I'm feeling an extreme emotion, because things get said in the heat of the moment that are regretted later. But in this case, I want to write while I'm still feeling the weight and impact of what Pastor Mark spoke on and the former porn star he interviewed said. I don't really want to be logical and removed about this. I'm not writing in hot-headed anger or woe-is-me despair or I-want-attention-look-at-me low self esteem......it's just this heavy brokenness over what I've just heard.

I cried multiple times, and not just over the broken lives spoken of in the sermon, but for myself, how my life has been affected, in ways both overt and subtle. From a broken relationship to the way I feel walking alone on the street.

And also for those I know who are afflicted by the plague of pornography: My ex who felt bad and oh-so-sorry every time, but who eventually cheated on me, refusing to see how little sins lead to bigger ones, more concerned over having a good reputation than being honest and seeking help. (I can only hope he's changed since I broke up with him....)
The guy who molested me--I can only imagine what led him to do that. Perhaps he was abused himself. Maybe he was just acting out what he'd seen somewhere. Either way, his view of sexuality and how to treat females got messed up somewhere along the line.

I mourn for the innumerable men who are currently in Bible college, destroying future ministries, disqualifying themselves, paving the path to the ruin of their marriages, setting themselves up for limited or no eternal impact, stunted spiritual lives....because they've gotten sucked in to the black hole of pornography. Their relationships with their wives and children being eaten away with every page view.

My heart is broken for the women and children whose lives are being shattered. Not only the wives and girlfriends who feel second rate to a 2-D Photoshopped image, feeling like they can never measure up, but for the porn stars as well. Those women are being destroyed too. Thinking that they'll find acceptance or love...and only getting shame and emptiness out of the bargain. They're just as much a victim.

It's not right. I don't care what you think, it's. just. not. right.

I don't want to share my future husband with a computer screen.
I don't want to feel unsafe in my own neighborhood, because men view women as something to be used and not cherished.
I don't want my sisters' future relationships to end the way mine did.
I don't want any more broken marriages, because porn is more titillating than your spouse.
I don't want more women destroyed, because they're only wanted for their bodies and not their hearts.
I don't want children's innocence ripped away from rape and abuse, predominantly by adults they know and trust to protect them.

How many more hearts need to be ripped to shreds before we get it?

And the answer isn't found in just changing our outward behavior, adjusting what we do. The only way that healing and true change is going to come is to realize that we need to go to our hearts. We can modify the behavior all we want, but the addiction will still be there. The emptiness still won't be filled. The longings for true intimacy won't be met. And we will still be trapped in sin.

The cliche' way to end this would be to say, "What we need is Jesus! And it'll all be better!" The world does need his love and grace. But we also need his destroying our sin, removing the person we once were and transforming us into his likeness. And that's not easy. People get discouraged because they think once they repent, everything's going to be cupcakes and roses. It's work. It takes dedication and perseverance to keep going. We don't break habits in a day. And addictions don't generally magically go away.

Just.....watch the message. Be broken. And be changed.

Diseases, drugs and now...a cure

I actually have some good news to share on the Andrew being sick front!
Some of you already know about my brother, Andrew, and his diseases, but I'll give a brief overview for those of you who don't.

Typical teenage boy, so NOT enthused.

Andrew was born with Chronic Granulomatous Disease (CGD), the same illness that my older brother, James, who died in 1988 had. CGD tends to run in families although it is VERY rare. It's estimated that only 1 in a million people have it. Andrew's taken medicine for CGD his whole life and been hospitalized many times over the years. He knows what it's like to be a human pin cushion very well--I couldn't even guess how many times he's had blood taken.

At the end of 2008, we found out he also has Celiac Disease, which means he can't eat anything with gluten in it (i.e. anything containing wheat). Thankfully, living in a major metropolitan area, we can find good gluten free food pretty easily. Pizza Luce, one of my family's favorite restaurants, even has an excellent GF menu. They justifiably advertise as Minnesota's Best Pizza. So, Andrew adjusted to his new diet, gained a lot of weight and grew like a weed.

Then over a year ago, he started complaining about his gut hurting. It just got worse and worse, he could barely eat and lost a lot of weight. There were a bunch of open sores in his mouth. The doctors found out his intestines were very inflamed and diseased. Pretty much from his mouth all the way through to his anus, he had inflammation and ulcers. One doctor said that Andrew should have been rolling around on the floor screaming, that's how bad it was. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), and his main doctor referred him to the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Bethesda, Maryland.

CGD is rare, but Andrew's doctor is the world's authority on it and sees many patients with it at Children's Hospital here in Minneapolis. Andrew isn't her only patient having stomach and gut issues either. NIH is interested in studying these patients, because they're presenting similar symptoms. People with CGD used to not live very long, but now with medical advances life expectancy is much longer than it once was. The researchers are curious if these gut issues are a symptom of CGD or caused by the life long use of the drugs taken to keep healthy.

So, Andrew and my Mom have flown out there several times now since this summer, and he's been getting different drugs to help with the inflammation in his gut. The awesome thing is everything is paid for, it's cutting edge research, so my parents don't have to try to figure out how they're going to afford all the expensive drugs Andrew's taking. He's slowly gained a tiny bit of weight, although his guts are still messed up.

The most exciting bit of news is that a cure for CGD has been discovered! We'd heard years ago of bone marrow transplants being a possible cure, but at the time it was way too risky and dangerous, with a very low success rate. It was not something to be considered except as a last resort.

They have now successfully done bone marrow transplants for many CGD patients with great success! Another young man with CGD from Minnesota actually just had a transplant this past summer at NIH and is now cured. My parents have decided to move forward in the transplant process after much investigation and prayer. We've known about this since the summer, but were waiting to see if a matched donor could be found before we started sharing about it. The best donor is a sibling, because they're more likely to be an exact match.

My sisters and I had our blood drawn, but that didn't get done right. So then we did cheek swabs...which weren't the right size for the testing machine. We did the swabs again with the correct sized ones this time. We just heard back yesterday: I'm a PERFECT match for Andrew!! And apparently Leah and Hannah are exact matches to each other, so they know who to ask if either of them ever need a kidney.

We're hoping to do the bone marrow transplant next summer out at NIH. Thankfully, they will not need to hack into my hip to harvest the bone marrow. I'll write more about what I'll have to go through as I get more information. Even if they had to break my leg, I'd do it anyways. Andrew will be cured of CGD! Even five years ago, we couldn't have fathomed that there would be a cure.

For those of who have been praying over the years for Andrew to be cured, thank you. God has answered your prayers for a cure. I like to say, sometimes the Lord heals in miraculous, spontaneous ways, and other times He works through the knowledge and expertise of gifted doctors. It's amazing either way.

Angry eyebrows and old people

I noticed recently that my face tends to naturally slip into a scowl.

Not like Mr. Sparkly Vampire--he's just pouting

I've been catching myself lately with a furrowed brow and my lips turned down. I don't know why either--I don't really have a lot of stress in my life. I think it's just because I tend to focus deeply on the task at hand or be in the process of deeply pondering something. 

But the reason it bothers me is that as you age, your face sets into whatever expression you make the most. Your wrinkles mirror your life-long demeanor, not just the face you present to the public.

Who's got a big stick up her butt?

Who's been laughing at himself for years?

I'm aiming to be a happy, joyful old person, and I want my face to reflect that. Old ladies come into the book store where I work all the time, and they just look like they've been sucking on lemons their whole lives. They also have waaaay to much makeup on and seem to be trying to pretend that they're still in their 20's. I'm sorry, but a woman in her 60's shouldn't dress the same as a 22 year old. It just looks silly and desperate. 

Guess what? I embrace the fact that I'm going to get old someday. I've already decided I'm not going to color my hair when it goes gray. What's that Bible verse? "Gray hair is a crown of glory." Yeah, I like that. 

Anyways, I don't want to look like those sour old ladies. I want my wrinkles to reflect my life of walking with Jesus. And that life might not always be easy or fun, but as a Christian, I can be content no matter what my situation. I don't want eyebrow furrows and frowning lips--I want laugh lines...lots of them. I want my face to show that even in the tough times, I still chose to look for the silver lining instead of focusing on all the dark clouds. (And that is how I currently view my life.)

 I seek to age like my parents, who have lived through many trying, dark times in their lives...yet it's common to hear them bantering and laughing with each other. They could be angry, bitter, cynical, and have every right to be. But what kind of life is that? They've shown me that a life of complaining and bitterness and grudge-bearing leads to nothing, even though it's easier to go that route. To choose happiness and joy takes a little more work, but is ultimately more fulfilling. I think one of the reasons my parents have aged so well is that they choose to make much of the good things in life. 

30 years of marriage--they still LIKE each other.
This picture epitomizes who they are.

I want to reflect that shared worldview. I don't want to be sour but joy-filled. Positive not grumpy. Happy by choice not from naivete. I want to age gracefully, not desperately trying to hang onto some ideal of youth. Just like the seasons of the year, so people transition into different stages of their lives. We need winter just as much as summer, does that make sense? 

So wrinkles? Bring 'em on. I just really don't want angry old lady eyebrows.