The Elephant Room Round 2: Church

I shared my initial impression about the Elephant Room Round 2 last week, and have had time to mull over the things that stuck out to me. I jotted down some pithy insights and great one liners from all the pastors that attended. I'm going to devote a blog to each quote and how it impacted me.

A bit of a caveat before I begin: I'm not going to nitpick or criticize--that has been done to death enough elsewhere on the interwebs. I don't need to pick at so-called theological fallacies or whatever. I'm going to focus on the positive and edifying things I learned and leave the negativity to others. Sure, I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. My goal is to expound on the truths that spoke to me personally. I stick with a micro focus on this blog, not a macro one. Write what you know, right? I know me and my heart and that's what I feel qualified to pontificate about. Anyways.

Pastor Jack Graham

Jack Graham caught me with this line during the first discussion about denominations:

"Most people don't show up looking for the Baptist church, the Methodist church. They show up looking for the Jesus church."

I feel like this hits squarely on the head something that has bothered me over the years. The argument over denominations and which one is "better" is a family issue. In that I mean, if you're not a Christian, it seems silly and can be rather confusing. To someone who's not a believer, Baptists and Lutherans look pretty much the same; telling them that one is better than the other is like telling a non-sports fan that the Vikings are better than the Packers. "They both wear spandex and play football. The only difference to me is one wears green and yellow and the other purple and yellow." If you're not part of the club, you just don't care. It's trying to teach someone Calculus before they've mastered Algebra. If the basics aren't covered, how on earth are you supposed to grasp consecutive issues?

And the debate about denominations shouldn't be the point. You don't invite someone to become an Episcopalian. Or accept Luther into their heart. Or pray to Calvin. To re-word what Graham said, people come to church looking for Jesus not theologians. First and foremost, church should be about Jesus. His love, his sacrifice for our sins, his death and resurrection. He is Lord, God, Savior, Healer, Comforter...Friend. Jesus said Christians are supposed to be known by our love. Not our debates. Not our theological differences. Not name calling and questioning others' faith. That at the end of the day, the body of Christ, the church, can lay aside our differences and be a family. In a family, you don't necessarily like each other all the time, you might snap and quarrel with each other....but underneath the temporary flared emotions, you are bound together and truly love each other. Just because one of my sisters says something I don't agree with doesn't mean she's not part of the family. I don't question whether my brother is truly related to me if he does something I wouldn't do. (I know that metaphor only goes so far, but if someone says they believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and are working to live out their faith, there's room for disagreement on open handed issues)

My best friend is Lutheran and I lean towards Baptist, I guess, though I was raised in a non-denominational church. We both call ourselves Christian and love Jesus. If we're going to talk about our faith to a non-believer, Jesus and his love gets top billing. Just writing this post has been a good reminder for me to keep my focus on Jesus first and not secondary, lesser issues.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Initial thoughts

Nice logo design by the way.

I was at Grace Church of Eden Prairie for the majority of the day today, watching a live simulcast of The Elephant Room Round 2. I'm so glad I took the day off from work and went, because it was so edifying. I was surprised, convicted, encouraged. I jotted down so many amazing quotes from all the speakers, but especially T.D. Jakes. I actually went because I listen to Mark Driscoll's sermons regularly, but T.D. Jakes is the one who really made me think today. Man, does that guy have a lot of insight and wisdom! He throws out these one liners that encapsulate what would take another preacher paragraphs. I really hadn't heard him speak before, beyond seeing him briefly on TBN when channel flipping. He just blew my mind with the truth he spoke. It's not like it was anything new to me, but just the way he worded it made me see things in a new light.

Bishop T.D. Jakes pwned it today.

One of his quotes that stuck out to me the most was when he was discussing race and segregation in the church: "You can't integrate the church until you've integrated your heart." I mean, just think about that. It gets right to the crux of the issue--it's not about out there, what we need to do as a church or culture...it starts with one person: me and the state of my heart. Convicting and encouraging: I can't point fingers, I have to work on myself, but at the same time, all I have to worry about is one person and not what everybody else is thinking and doing.

And that's just from ONE sentence from one of the seven pastors that participated! There's so much that I took in today, I'm going to have to let it marinate for a few days and process it all. I'm going to break my thoughts into multiple blogs, because there was so much I gleaned from this conference. I jotted down a lot of great quotes, which I will use as a spring board to further the discussion I got to listen to today. And I'm sure they'll be posting video clips again this year, so I'll try to find those to share with you as well.

The biggest thing I took away from The Elephant Room, beyond all the different issues and questions, is that as Christians we need to be able to sit down together and discuss issues that we disagree on and still love each other at the end of it. If Mark Driscoll and T.D. Jakes can debate and learn from each other, the rest of us can too.

Learning to walk again

I mentioned last week about my new leg braces. I forgot how long it takes to get used to them. I got my first set of Ankle Foot Orthotics (AFOs) when I was 17, so it's been about seven years of me using them pretty much every day. I didn't realize how much of the way I walk has been changed by wearing them. With the new carbon fiber AFOs, I've actually had to re-learn how to walk.

The white plastic ones give support at the back of the leg and completely envelop the calf. There's not much flexibility, it's like a pillar--it supports weight and offers stability. With the carbon fiber AFOs, the support is from the front and runs down the side of my foot. My calf muscles can flex and move more naturally as I walk, but my ankles are still supported so my feet don't drop and drag. The new AFOs are thinner and weigh less, so I feel like my legs are floating as I lift my feet. I actually have to think about walking naturally, because I haven't in so long. It's been throwing me off a bit this week, because it should be something I don't have to think about. My legs have to adjust to something completely different than what I've been doing for seven years. In a few weeks, I'm sure I'll have completely adjusted and acclimated, but in the interim it definitely feels like I'm a little toddler finding my balance. I mean, when was the last time you had to really think about putting one foot in front of the other? Or stand up from sitting? Or walk up and down stairs? It's just weird. And amazing at the same time.

I almost started crying when I was walking up and down the hall at the Orthotics office last week. You have no idea how fantastic it felt! I really can't describe what it's like to go from having your legs wrapped in clunky plastic to something that lets your leg move in a more natural way. I feel less disabled in a way, even though my symptoms haven't changed a bit. I feel more like a normal person again, because I can actually walk more naturally. I wish that these were the leg braces I'd started out with seven years ago, because I know I would have had a lot fewer problems with them. But unfortunately, the advances and testing just hadn't been made quite yet. Even switching from the braces being white to black, for some reason, seems better. I don't know why. Maybe the white just speaks more to me of medical issues and sickness and doctors and hospitals, whereas the black looks more like something you'd wear if you got an injury playing sports or something. There's a lot less brace all over my legs, which just makes me feel less handicapped and weighted down. I'm still not going to be jogging up and down stairs, but I just feel like less of a gimp now.

Promises, promises

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6 (NIV)

Another version says, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a while, and I just need to write/kvetch/ramble about it.

I tend to have fairly low expectations of people in general. I've learned through hard experience to not expect much from others. I don't see it as being cynical so much as realistic. I assume that the majority of what people say they'll do they won't actually follow through on. I run into an old college acquaintance from time to time and he always says something to the effect of, "We should get coffee sometime and catch up." I'm not holding my breath waiting for that. I've figured out that it's his passive aggressive Minnesotan way of trying to save face. I just want to say, "You know what? Just say 'See you around,' and leave it at that. Don't pretend to be excited to see me if you're not. Just be yourself and quit being a fake." If you don't like someone or have no intention of furthering your interactions beyond pleasantries, just leave it at that--don't make trite promises. The more you spout empty platitudes, the less people respect you.  "Let your no be no, and your yes be yes." Know what I'm saying?

I've met far too many people who promise too much too lightly. Relationships aren't built in a day or merely on a Facebook friend request. Don't tell me we're going to get together to do this or that every time I see you--just do it. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan, and actually follow through on it. If you initiate, don't leave me hanging. If you want to get together, it's on you to suggest something. Being evasive or indecisive ("Oh, I don't care, I'm fine with wherever you want to go") is not being polite, it's annoying, passive aggressive and ticks me off. If someone comes to me and says, "Hey, are you free next Thursday? I'd really like to get together with you. How about the Dunn Bros by my house?" That day might not work for me, but it shows that you're serious about furthering our friendship.

Talk is cheap and easy, action takes some effort. Especially at the beginning of getting to know someone, there's a lot of work involved up front. You have to establish some foundation to build your friendship on. It's easy when you see that person all the time at school or work, you kind of have to interact. And then it's easy to think you have more of a friendship than you really do. Once the class is over, or you get a different job, that's when you find out how serious someone is about staying in touch.

I don't expect or want every interaction I have with people to turn into something more. I hold to cultivating quality relationships over juggling a large quantity of people I kind of know. I don't and can't pretend that I'm best buds with everyone I come into semi-regular contact with. I genuinely don't like some people, and that's okay. I enjoy being around others that I know our interactions will never go beyond banter and pleasantries, and that's okay too. There are friends I have known for years that I don't get to see very often, and that's okay as well. And there are those people I just click with that I will still know when we're old and gray. So, there are different levels of friendship, not everyone is going to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR. It actually took me awhile to accept that too. I've realized that I can't be bosom buddies with everyone and that it's actually better if I only have a handful of really close friends. I don't have to strive to make a deep connection with everyone I meet. That's too exhausting and spreads myself too thin. I need to figure out who's worth investing in and to what degree.

If I say I want to get together with someone to get to know them, I genuinely mean it. It's not just something I say to finish a conversation. I long for real relationships in this shallow, "Well, I have 2,000 Facebook friends," culture that we live in. It's a constant struggle to be real though; it's kind of scary to be vulnerable and leave yourself open to the possibility of getting rejected and hurt. So much of my time is spent masking who I am and presenting a facade of pleasantness (hello, retail!). That's part of my job--you leave your personal problems at home and give good customer service. You need to be pleasant and hold your tongue, which is to be expected in that environment. I don't want to hear customers' sob stories and they don't need to hear mine. However, it's hard to turn that mindset off and engage with people in other social settings. I find myself slipping into retail mode and talking about the weather when it's okay to go a little deeper. It's easy and safer, but it's empty. You're just filling the silence instead of actually saying anything of substance.

At the end of the day, I don't want my mouth to say something completely different from what I do. I'm not going to promise things that I have no intention of doing. That way, when I do say "let's hang out," people will know that I'm serious. I'm not going to accept Facebook friend requests from people I don't want to keep in touch with. And I will delete people off my friends list who I don't actually interact with anymore. And that's not being mean, it's choosing to not perpetuate a false sense of intimacy. I prefer genuine and real over Minnesota "nice" any day.

Leg braces and stuff

I got new leg braces yesterday; I really hope they work out. I've been walking around the house today, breaking them in. You can't just put on a new pair and go, that would be too much too soon. Especially since this set is completely different from the last three. I have a love-hate relationship with needing leg braces: I love that I can walk better and not get tired out...but I hate them for many reasons.

I first started wearing leg braces, or Ankle-Foot Orthotics (AFOs), when I was 17. I immediately started having issues with the skin on the bottoms of my feet. My skin broke out, cracked, bled, dried out, cracked some more, bled some more....yeah, super fun to deal with when you're just starting college. And that continued to varying degrees until 2010 (when I was 23....yup, almost 7 years of dealing with that). I was tested for allergies, nothing. I tried different kinds of padding in the brace, didn't help.

I hated wearing these so much I can't even describe it

Also, the first pair of AFOs I got were very clunky, thick and hinged at the ankle. The hinge was supposed to give me more flexibility, but it also made this annoying "pop!" whenever I walked and would catch my clothes, making me trip or stumble sometimes. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I had a chronic illness and wasn't comfortable talking about it yet. The issues with the skin on my feet, the cumbersome braces, just everything combined, I didn't want to even think about it most of the time! Suffice to say, I was not a very happy camper.

A few years later, it was time for a new set of AFOs. Wow! What a difference. No more stupid hinge thing, they were lighter and thinner, and needed less adjustments at the outset. By this time, I'd found shoes that fit right, figured out I needed leg warmers and knee high socks to be comfortable, and was just a bit more comfortable talking about why I needed to wear leg braces. I didn't and still don't wear shorts--being so thin, I get cold pretty easy even in the warmer months. If I'm hot I'll just wear a long flowy skirt. Part of that is my style and partly because I feel weird and uncomfortable with my leg braces showing like that. I like to be able to choose to tell people rather than letting them jump to conclusions.

Anyways, I had a third set made with the standard white plastic a couple years ago. It was so nice to have an extra pair. If I came home from work and wanted to go out, I could just switch AFOs and be on my way, not having to worry about the moisture building up on my feet. If you've already been on your feet for seven hours, you really don't want the same sweaty plastic sitting against your skin for any more time.

And now, I have a brand spanking new set made from carbon fiber! They're super light, so thin I can actually wear my true shoe size (instead of having to wear 1 or 2 sizes larger), and will be much more bearable in the summer.

I'm so excited!

As you can see, the back is completely open except for the two straps. The support bar runs down the side of the foot, which means no pressure sores or calluses on my heels. I don't have to worry about skin issues anymore, because the lining of my shoe is what I'll be standing on. You pull out the shoe lining, put the brace in the shoe, then put the lining back in, then slide your feet in. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new way of putting my shoes on actually.

You have no idea how excited I am for this! Carbon fiber is fairly recent, and only within the last several years have the problems been worked out. My orthotics guy told me that he only recently started suggesting this kind of brace, because carbon fiber had problems with cracking and wearing out too fast before. I get that, because I definitely can't have something breaking on me in the middle of my work day!

And like I said, I still have to break them in and get used to wearing something so new. My body actually has to adjust to walking in a more natural way again. I have to get acclimated to the way these AFOs flex when I walk and learn to move with them. Over the next week, I'll work up to wearing them for a full day. In two weeks, I go back to the orthotics office to check in and make sure the braces are working and fitting correctly.

And in the meantime, it's time to do some shoe shopping! I don't think I've ever been so happy to get new shoes.

Church, tattoo convention, work party

That was my Sunday yesterday in chronological order. It was an interesting day to say the least.

10:00-11:30am
I love going to church. I've written about that before on here--how much I appreciate being able to go when I don't have to work. I don't know, I guess when you can't go (and not simply because you decided to sleep in) you realize how much you actually like it. My pastor just kicked off a series on generosity, which is always a needed reminder to not hold my possessions too tightly. To be honest, he could talk a lot longer and I would be happy to keep listening. He's low key and not over the top, but you can totally see his deep love for preaching God's Word. He's got a quiet yet intense passion for sharing God's Word. My week is always good if I can start if off with church.

2:30-5:30pm
My sister, Leah, and I went to the Minneapolis Tattoo Arts Convention, which wasn't as cool as you would think. My tattoo artists asked me to go and enter a contest for best female back piece. I've paid $20 to get into the MN Renaissance Festival, so I was expecting a little more for my money. This was the first tattoo convention I've ever been to, but Leah and I both weren't that impressed. It was kinda dingy, smelled like cigarette smoke (even though we were in a hotel), and there wasn't too much going on. It was definitely cool to look at all the portfolios--there are just some amazing tattoo artists out there! Unfortunately, the idea of good presentation was lost on some: Leah had one album falling apart in her hands as she turned the pages. I'm sorry, but if you don't care enough to present your work well, that reflects poorly on you as an artist and makes me question your care when inking somebody. I may be a bit biased but Beloved Studios, in my opinion, totally gets that. They had lovely look books for the three artists that were there.

So, I entered the contest...and did not win. But the pieces that beat me out were AMAZING! The lady who won first place had this fantastic full back tattoo (I'm talking from the tops of her shoulders to just above her butt). It was a tiger with a Japanese inspired landscape behind it; the thing looked like a painting, it was so rich and vibrant. She just looked like a an average middle aged Minnesotan, and then, bam!, crazy amazing tattoo. Kudos to you, lady!

Leah did find a vendor who sells some awesome earrings of the kind she likes.

It was cool to see all the awesome tattoos that were being shown off for the contests, but the announcer had such a foul mouth. I'm like, "Really?! This is a public venue--you're not sitting around drinking with your buddies. A little professionalism would be nice." It just amazes me the derogatory things directed at them that women will laugh at. But apparently that is the prevalent view for the types of people who were there. It saddens me that so many women accept that as normal and okay.

I wanted to show off my back without being immodest; it took me quite a while to find a shirt that covered me completely in the front. I'm proud of my tattoo and want people to see it, but I'm not going to walk around half naked to do so. Unfortunately, I seem to be in the minority. I respect myself and expect others to treat me respectfully as well. I'm also not going to go out scantily clad either. Part of getting respect is dressing like I deserve it. Anyways.

The best part of the whole thing was that I found an awesome birthday present for my other sister, Hannah. It's something you would not expect to find at a tattoo convention at all, yet it fits her to a T. And yes, her birthday isn't until October. What can I say, if I find something I know people will like, I just buy it and hang onto it.

So, I can say I've been to a tattoo convention, but I definitely won't attend that particular one again. It just wasn't worth $20 to get in and then pay $10 to enter a contest. Mainly I just went to support Beloved and show off their awesome work.

And part of me is like, why would you want to get a tattoo in that environment? You're only going to be able to get something small, because you have limited time. It's a loud, distracting, crowded place. At least for me, if I'm going to be getting needles stabbed into my skin, I'd prefer it to be somewhere more private and less chaotic. If I really like a particular artist and want to get a piece done by them, I'll save up my money and travel to wherever their shop is.

7:00-11:00pm
Yes, it was a Christmas party in January. When you work in retail, there's no way you could close early in December to throw your employees a holiday bash. It's actually pretty nice to have it now: the holidays are over, it's not so insane at work, people are more relaxed and in the mood to have fun. Half Price rented out a banquet hall at Grumpy's in Roseville. I thought it was nice and had a great time. I rarely see my co-workers outside of our job, so it was great to hang out and not have to talk about work related stuff. No grumpy customers, no bodily fluids to clean up, no massive book buys to sort through....just food and good company. I invited a former co-worker to come as my guest, and it was so awesome to see her! It was a great evening of hanging out and laughing a lot. I really am blessed to work at a place where I get along with all my co-workers so well. There can be so much drama in some work places, but at my store we tend to laugh more than anything.

It was a very full Sunday to say the least!

Bone Marrow Transplant Update

Andrew and my Dad flew out to the National Institutes of Health in Maryland earlier this week. Andrew's team of doctors have decided to wait a couple years for a variety of reasons before proceeding with the transplant. I also got a packet of information sent home for me to read. I can now explain what process I'll go through to donate my bone marrow.

I'll get an injection over the course of two weeks that will increase the blood in my body. They don't break into a bone or anything to harvest the cells that are required for the transplant. It's similar in a way to donating plasma: they remove the needed cells and put the rest of the blood back. It's about a 4 or 5 hour procedure that I'll go through to harvest the specific cells they need.

Most likely side effects for me: achy bones because my bone marrow will be in overdrive. Possible headaches and skin rashes. Tiredness. Weakness. So, nothing too horrible.

I'm kinda bummed that they've decided to wait on the transplant, but I understand the reasoning behind it. It just gives me time to get super healthy!

To love is to risk

"Jesus followers join churches because they want to be like Jesus and will risk loving others deeply. Don't even deny the pain of this risk and naively think that truly living in community as the church with sinners is easy. Church squabbles do injure innocent people. Church leaders do disappoint when they don't live up to their calling. Other believers do betray trust and cause disillusionment. Every Christian both suffers these pains and causes others to suffer harm. To love is to risk and grow through pain, and those who want to love well choose to suffer pain rather than self-protect by abandoning church." ~Mark Driscoll, Doctrine, pg. 340

This is true, but it's not easy to live out. I have been betrayed deeply, to the core of who I am, by people I looked up to and thought were friends.
As a tween, my heart was shattered by a childhood friend--I know from experience what it's like to go through what the Bible calls the dark night of the soul. To weep yourself to sleep is a nice poetic phrase, the reality is something I don't ever wish to repeat. People use "It broke/breaks my heart," so flippantly. You feel like you're dying when it truly happens, like you're being torn in half. To love someone so deeply and innocently as a child....and when it's so callously thrown in your face, and you realize you are esteemed so little by them....it's very hard to overcome. As a kid, you haven't gained the coping skills and maturity yet to process that. An adult is hurt and wounded but knows how to move on, a child is destroyed.

I've mentioned before about being abused as well by a neighborhood boy who was several years older than me. "Love" is twisted into something weird, but you don't realize it at the time. As a child, you just believe that someone older than you knows better and that what they're doing is okay. You look up to this person, you love them and do what they say. Later, you figure out that it's not okay, but you feel scared and worry that you'll get in trouble if you say anything. Maybe you try to tell someone, but it doesn't come out right, you chicken out, it's too weird or uncomfortable to talk about...so you just let it drop. Or maybe like me, you blocked out the memories and they didn't come back until years later. Then all of sudden you're thrown into a tail spin.....what is this? Am I going crazy? What...what are these memories? What do I do with this? I don't have the words to talk about this.......I'm just going to pretend I didn't remember.

But you can't. You've become a different person and how you interact with others has been forever altered. You become harder, detached, independent (who needs people, I'm fine on my own), never getting too close, just waiting for the day when they fail you, always holding back part of yourself so you never have to feel that pain again. You are strong, capable, you protect others but don't let anyone protect you. God helps those who help themselves, right?

And how you see God? Well, He's God, so He's loving....but maybe He's not as powerful as the Bible says. Because why would He let your heart get destroyed like that? Why do you feel so alone in this pain, haunted by these past wrongs and unable to move beyond them? Where's the healing, Lord? Why on earth should I trust your people to help?! We barely talk about healthy sexuality in the church....no, it's better to keep it to myself.

And so it goes. Too afraid to open up, the fear of discovery of your shame, fear of being let down, scared of what people might think or say, scared of being broken again (you'd never pull the pieces back together again), afraid, fearful, terrified.......Fear rules and reigns in your life. It chokes you, determining every interaction you have with another person, chases you at night and hinders your sleep.....and it just never lets up. You just want it to stop. You try your hardest to move beyond it, stuffing it down, pretending you don't feel it......but the fear comes back. You tell yourself you're being silly, irrational, a stupid teenager--it's just hormones, but you feel the same anyway.

Finally, one night, you're at the end of your rope and cry out from the depths of your soul. You've prayed before, but tonight something is different. You feel some peace and sleep heavily, looking forward to this youth group conference you're going on tomorrow. It's the start of something new, though you don't know that yet. God shows up, you feel His presence in such a way that you are forever changed. You cry and admit that the wounds of the past still hurt so much. It's the beginning of a journey towards healing and renewal. You are alive again!

And now, here I am almost a decade later. God's brought me on a crazy journey since 2002. It's not all sunshine and sparkles, but it's better. I have come far and overcome much, and the road still stretches on in front of me.

Why do I tell all this in a post about loving others and risking my heart to be in real relationships with other Christians? To show that it's not just words, naive churchy speak. To say, "God doesn't want me to be alone," is easy. I truly believe it....even though I still struggle with taking down the walls around my heart. Even though I have been wounded and betrayed and hurt....I still need His people. I need love, I need to be connected with others, I can't live live alone. I don't just need Jesus in my life--I need His followers too. His messed up, hypocritical, gossipy, sinful failures who can be pretty mean sometimes...because that's me too. I need forgiveness for my failings just as much as I need to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged me.

I hang onto the fact that God is love, and there is nothing evil about Him. He says He is all powerful, and I do doubt sometimes, but I believe Him. He's just and good, and says all evil will be accounted for and judged. He says He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I'm protected, even if I might not feel like it. He says He has a plan and hope for my future, that everyday His mercy is renewed in my life. It's not just pithy Bible verses, it's what I hold onto when Fear comes whispering, when my heart quivers and fails. My faith is not based on what I feel at any given moment; my foundation is that God is love.

I need to trust Him. That if I open up, share of myself, risk being vulnerable (in a wise and healthy way), dare to build deep relationships, moving beyond shallow "how are you?" to "I love and care for you," that He will be there for me. If people fail me, God won't. If I'm rejected, He will always be there. I don't want a lonely, empty life because I let fear rule me. I don't want to hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt. To really love, I have to let go of my heart and trust that God will take care of it. I realize that people will fail me, might betray me, may leave me.....but I my worth is not found in them.

Jesus loved and shared His heart and life freely, then was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He knows what that pain feels like. He knows what it's like to feel utterly alone and abandoned. He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back. He knows. And that gives me comfort, because my God has experienced what I feel. And He loves anyways. Not because He's stupid, but because a life without love is empty and meaningless.

Theology actually matters

There's a great sermon series
that goes along with the book.

I've been reading my way through Doctrine by Mark Driscoll in bits and pieces over the last year, and my mind has been blown.

I'm not one for theological arguments and arguing over ridiculous Biblical ephemera that doesn't matter. Before reading Doctrine, I had pretty written off theology as boring and really not applicable to my life. I went to Northwestern College and had to take Christian Theology one semester; it was one of the most mind numbingly dull classes I ever sat through during college. The professor was dry, boring, listing off facts in a monotone, and wouldn't give a straight answer to save your live. I studied for the tests and promptly forgot pretty everything once I was done, because it didn't matter. Lists of big words and their paragraphs of definitions, long dead theologians, Biblical nitpicking that just came across as silly....none of it made any kind of impact on me. It was dull. It was boring. It was empty. Just academic knowledge for my head that did nothing for my heart.

I love Jesus Christ. I believe he was and is fully God and fully man, the second member of the Trinity, which also includes God the Father and the Holy Spirit. Jesus came into the world to live and to die for all of humanity's sin. He lived a perfect life, died a death he didn't deserve, and rose again three days later. His death paid the price for our evil and wickedness, leaving us humans righteous and pure before God. Jesus wasn't just a "good man" or a nice teacher or a hippie, He is God. He now sits at the right hand of God the Father in Heaven, and one day will return in glory to pass judgement and create Heaven and earth anew. In the meantime, those of us who  follow Jesus as Lord and Savior, try to live our lives like His, struggling and failing a lot, yet also finding great joy in striving to be more like Christ.

Seems pretty simple to me. I wasn't interested in what I saw as theological nitpicking and thought that "Theology" was for academic scholars with too much time on their hands. It just didn't matter to me, and seemed out of reach and over my head. Words like "theology" and "doctrine" didn't seem to have a place in the real world of actually living life. I've met many people who have their heads stuffed full of terms and definitions, who could make your head spin with all the Biblical facts they know....but it doesn't affect their hearts. They are arrogant, condescending, prideful, more concerned with what they know than what they actually do with that knowledge. They'd rather debate until they're blue in the face than, you know, serve in a food shelter or something. They don't have time for that, they're too busy doing exegetical studies from the original Greek!

To be fair, I have met a smaller amount of people who are very wise and knowledgeable and put into practice what they believe. They go deep in studying which really makes their faith bloom and thrive. They suck up Bible knowledge like a sponge, not just talk about it endlessly, but to live it out. Learning and applicability go hand-in-hand for them. But these kinds of people, in my experience, tend to be in the minority.

Over the last few years, I've been consistently listening to Mark Driscoll's sermons. I'm so thankful that Mars Hill Church posts so much excellent content online for free. I have learned more about Jesus and what it means to follow him in the last two years than I did during my whole time at Northwestern. Nobody is perfect and I don't agree with everything Mark teaches, but so much of his preaching has enriched and deepened my faith. Theological terms are interwoven into his sermons so seamlessly. Doctrinal issues that I would have dismissed or never bothered learning about, he's made understandable and applicable. And that's the key thing: Applicability in daily life. Simple definitions that aren't dumbed down but made understandable. I don't need pages and pages of theological gobbledygook if one good sentence will do. I don't need to know why God is love or who He loves or what His love is like or what "love" means in the original Greek....at the end of the day, I just need to know and truly believe that God loves me.

I've come to realize that learning some doctrine can further my faith, deepen it in unexpected ways. "Theology" doesn't have to be this loaded, scary word. It means "the study of God and God's relation to the world." Okay, I get that. Learning more about God, who He is and what He's like? Yes, I want to know that. I want to know more about this God I follow and strive to be more like. Kinda hard to become like someone if you don't know who they are, right? Like getting to know a friend, that's how I want my relationship with Jesus to be like. Not stuffing my head full of facts about His attributes or memorizing endless definitions, I want to know Him personally.

So, reading Doctrine has been an eye-opening journey for me. The authors (Gerry Breshears helped co-write) always bring it back to Jesus. Every definition and issue comes back to knowing Jesus more fully. Every chapter is about revealing more of who God is and how He relates to us. Things that I have always believed but never been able to articulate are summed up concisely and memorably. Mark writes the way he speaks: simple, powerful, applicable. Issues that I have struggled over in the past suddenly make sense. Oh, okay, I get it now! It's like a lightbulb has come on for me. I understand why every church needs to do communion. Why a believer should be baptized. And that different ways of doing them are okay as long as you understand why you're doing it in the first place: it's all about Jesus. It's not that we have to do something, another check mark on our religious to-do list, it's that we get to do it for Him, out of joy and thanksgiving for what He's done.

I've learned that knowledge of church history and those Christians who have come before can deepen my faith, furthering my relationship with God. Knowing big words, not to stuff my head and get puffed up with knowledge, but to expand my heart. Justification, propitiation, expiation, atonement....the reason to learn what they all mean is to know Jesus better. Not to argue endlessly, going in circles, but to love better, live fuller, believe more fully. It's not about what I know, but Who God is and what He's done for me. Thank you, Pastor Mark, for making these things come alive for me!

So, yes, I've come to realize, theology matters, because it helps me connect with Christ in a real way.