Acceptance

I asked to have grab bars installed in my bathroom today.

I should have done it right after we first moved in two years ago...but I am a prideful person and didn't want to admit that I need them.
Maybe when I fell out of the shower last summer and bashed my back against the toilet, that might have been a good sign it was time to ask.
Or the fact that when I close my eyes, I have pretty much no sense of balance and need to hold on to something or else I start tipping over. Well, even with my eyes open, it's not much better. Sometimes my balance just suddenly dissipates , and I need to grab hold of something solidly anchored to prevent a face-plant.

Either way, I finally swallowed my pride and stopped by the apartment complex office today, fighting anxiety that I would have to fight to get what I need or provide a lengthy justification. But it was surprisingly.... easy. The office manager didn't even bat an eye, just put in an order for the maintenance guy to install the grab bars. Her response was really kind: "Oh, we've put in plenty of those. We probably have some on hand already, so it shouldn't take too long to get them installed."
I don't know what I was expecting really (the front office here is always so helpful and quick to take care of problems), but all the anxiety rushed out of me like a deflating balloon, and I immediately felt so much lighter.
I guess there's a part of me that always expects people to not be helpful or understanding, that their response will be something along the lines of, "Why? You don't look sick." I expect to be shot down rather than supported.

Maybe some of that comes from living in denial for so long about my health. I mean, I know I'm sick and have physical disabilities, but for the last 12 years there's always been a part of my brain that just hasn't accepted it. That side of me held to the belief that the next test or specialist or clinic would reveal my illness was an easily fixable problem, and I would be healthy and whole again. Not held back by weakness and fatigue, or having to plan my days based on how tired I am, or scrapping plans midday because my energy just took a nosedive. There was that voice in my head that said I didn't have to deal with any of this, because eventually it would just go away and I could go back to being healthy and normal.

And I think it's finally hit me and truly sunk in that I am sick and it isn't ever going to go away. I have an undiagnosed form of neuropathy, and I've been waiting for that magical diagnosis for more than a decade to fix everything...but I have to deal with this in the here and now; I can't keep waiting for "someday when I know what's wrong with me" to take charge of my health. Because there isn't some fairy godmother/doctor who is going to appear, wave their magic wand and make it all better. If I'm going to take better care of myself this year and be a stronger advocate for what I need, I have to be realistic about my health and what I can and cannot do.

I think the last 12 years have been me slowly making my way through the five stages of grief. I've cycled through the first four--denial, anger, bargaining, depression--for years, but haven't ever truly gotten towards acceptance up until now. Just because I've been able to talk about my health more openly in recent years doesn't mean I had truly come to terms with it. I can have a normal conversation about what my illness entails and not fall apart sobbing on someone, but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to okay with it.

I can't advocate for myself effectively if I'm not honest about what my needs are. I need to admit my weaknesses and disabilities, because how can I improve my daily life otherwise? I use leg braces to support my legs and feet, which keeps my hips and back better aligned than if I was limping around. I have handicap parking to save energy, especially in the winter when it's cold and icy and it's easy for me to slip in slushy parking lots. I get massage therapy and chiropractic care every three weeks to help maintain my muscle strength and keep my back in good shape. I take my vitamins every day, especially Vitamin D in the winter, because it helps my body function well. I'm trying to eat healthier: this month I added green smoothies to my diet, because it improves my energy levels and gives my body good fuel to run on. I pay attention to my energy levels so I don't over exert myself and get sick. And today I asked to have grab bars installed in my bathroom.

Because I can't keep living in denial. 

God's Grace

This was a note I wrote on Facebook back in December, but it's been a train of thought for me again of late, so I thought I'd share it here:

I  was looking back through my timeline this morning, remembering the drama and craziness of college. Reminiscing about the people who have passed through my life for a season and I no longer keep in touch with, and also the ones who remain dear friends whether near or far.
Skimming through highlights of my life from the past seven years is strange--I forget so quickly the struggles, the times of tears, carrying a wounded spirit and a broken heart. And it's just as easy to forget the joys, the bright moments, the times of happiness and fun, and maturing into someone new. My time in college has started to blur together, and I have to remind myself that those three and a half years were a huge turning point in my life.
I went through a lot and came out the other side a better person, stronger, wiser, more sure of who I am in God. I don't want to forget how good God has been to me, how He walked with me as I went through counseling, challenged me to listen to Him over stupid people, called me to return to Him when I'd messed up, and just loved me where I was.
I'm thankful that He never gave up on me, even though I can be so stubborn and have a thick skull to get through. There were times where God pretty much had to beat me over the head repeatedly for me to be like, "Uh, I think you might be trying to tell me something, Lord?" I'm glad He's more stubborn and patient than I am!
The thing I am most thankful for is that I found my voice. I felt like I had no story, no great purpose to my life--I couldn't see how God was working. But looking back now, I can definitely see it. He was there, when I was a super shy freshman, when I went through an unhealthy relationship for two years, when I was figuring out being an artist, when I was juggling working full time and finishing school, and just figuring out how to be an adult. I couldn't see it at the time, being so caught up in the day to day of life.
But I'm starting to see how He has been directing my life, guiding my uncertain steps, leading me towards something good. And now I'm beginning a new chapter in my life. Not just getting married, though that's huge, but also stepping into new opportunities, accepting new challenges, considering new ideas and ways of doing things, and being open to God's leading down new roads. I don't want to let myself get hung up on the past, staying in a rut and not growing as a person. God wants more from me, I can feel it....and I'm willing to follow Him, to be open and willing to grow into a woman after His own heart (whatever that looks like). 

Grateful

Life can change so quickly for the better.
I was sitting here and it just hit me how blessed I am right now. Awed gratitude is the only response that I can give to God. Flowery praise and poignant prose really can't do it justice. I am blown away at God's goodness and grace. For some reason it's really hitting me tonight.

Within the last week or two, I have realized that God was preparing me 10 years ago to be the person I am today. Specific prayers I said as a 15 year old are now coming to fruition in my life. I could never have imagined what the answers to those prayers would look like, how God would bless me so greatly.

In 2002, I was just beginning the process of facing the tough stuff from my past. I was painfully shy, awkward and withdrawn. I felt removed from my peers, so different and alone. I struggled with so much fear and doubt and shame and self-degradation. I wondered if I would ever be able to truly be myself, the person I knew I was deep down. I didn't know yet that I had muscular dystrophy--I just thought I was klutzy. I couldn't foresee the tumultuous long-distance dating relationship I'd have during college. I didn't even have my driver's license yet! I'd barely begun to delve into being an artist. The thought of coherently and logically writing my thoughts and emotions like this would have been impossible. I was a teenager, full of zeal and little life experience.

Now it's 2012. I thought I'd have my life all figured out by the time I was 22, let alone 25. I've come so far though--I'm a completely different person from the Elisabeth that asked God for peace and freedom that fateful July night. I consider July 11th my spiritual birthday, because that's the night I reached the end of my rope and cried desperately out to God. And He answered. And my life was completely changed. Now, so much to be grateful for, even the so-called "little things." Even though I now wear leg braces and struggle some days with being so tired, I understand that God has used it to make me stronger. I can now talk about the "dark stuff," because I see how God has worked through it for good. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves Jesus and accepts me--all of me--and encourages me to seek after the Lord. I have friends who "get" me. I don't feel adrift anymore; I've found my place. And even though I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I know God is in charge. And seeing some of His plan unfold has been pretty cool.

Sketching 7

These drawings were definitely influenced by the sermon I was listening to at church that day. It's two different visual interpretations of what I was mulling over as my pastor spoke. I think it's pretty obvious what was being talked about.

But I did it my way

Every time someone tells me I can't do something or I have to do such-and-such in a particular way to be successful, I just want to prove them wrong. There's a part of me that exclaims, "Well, why?! Why do I have to do it that way? I'm going to do it how I want-and work harder at it-just to prove you wrong!" That side of me gets such a thrill out of doing things differently and making it work out anyways.

I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.

It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.

For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.

I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.

Back to the future

A little over four years ago, the future I'd been planning was completely destroyed. All my plans and intentions went up in smoke. For a good two years, I'd been going along with a particular idea of how things were going to unroll in my life....and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm so glad it did. Though at the time, it really sucked going through it.

March 2008: I broke up with my cheating ex, cut off all my hair, and went on a spring break road trip to New Mexico and Utah. It was the perfect way to process a break up--just miles of open road and the time to reflect and decompress. I had almost two weeks of quiet and peace, time to think and let go, finding some solace and healing out in the grandeur of the West. You really can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over you when you're sitting on the edge of a cliff, with nothing but the sound of wind in your ears, and no sign of civilization for miles and miles.

I felt as if I had lost sight of God, and he'd stripped away everything that I'd been leaning on or distracting myself with to get me to look at Him again. I couldn't use homework or checking Facebook or talking on the phone or doing busywork...nothing....there were no distractions. I came face-to-face with who I really was out there. There was nothing I could do--I had to just be. It was just me, and the wind, and harsh beauty of the land...and God. Speaking to me in a still small voice that I'd been tuning out for a while.

One of my friends joked later that I had gone on a vision quest, and I couldn't really disagree. I had a couple unusual encounters along the way that reminded me that God was still there for me (maybe I'll share them someday). I went on a few hikes by myself, and the utter quiet I experienced out in that wilderness didn't leave when I came back to Minnesota. That sense of peace, so lonely yet comforting, so weighty yet freeing, settled in my heart and has never left. It's impossible to adequately convey the way I felt the presence of God out in the desert, but I was changed in a very deep way that I can't really describe.  It was just what I needed at the time. It was as if God was telling me, "Everything will be okay, Elisabeth. Your problems aren't as big as you think. Let Me comfort and heal your bruised heart."

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

But then I had to come back home again. Back to school, back to my friends and family, back to every day life. But I didn't know who I was anymore. So much of myself, who I was, had gotten wrapped up in this one person, this one relationship, this one idea of how my life was going to go. I had to redefine myself. I realized that I'd been basing my identity and worth as a person on another human being. I mean, it wasn't like I had no sense of self, but I hadn't realized until that trip how much I'd changed who I was just to please my ex. That was a very healthy and needed thing to go through...but then I was faced with the fact that I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life next.

Everything that I'd been thinking and planning for about two years had been pointed towards getting married and moving to Maryland and having this whole life out east. That all disappeared, and I had to find my footing again. It was like all these ties had been cut, and I was suddenly free....with no direction or leading.

And as healing and comforting as my road trip had been, there were still areas that really hurt. I shut down some parts of my heart, because I just felt like a fool and an idiot. I should have known better! I was like, "Guys--who needs 'em? Pffft."

And I went on with finishing up that school year, having fun with my friends, working on art, renewing my relationship with God. Over the next couple years, I moved back home, revitalized my connections with my family, got a job at Half Price, graduated college, bought a car, worked on building some artistic notoriety, just living life. But I didn't really think too hard about what might come next, I just took life as it came. "Why make long term plans when it might blow up in your face?" a part of me asked. And no way was I interested in dating. It still stung if I thought about it too much. I just decided I would happily be single the rest of my life and that was that.

But I didn't want to stay in a holding pattern, settling into a rut. Not only in daily living and work, I also realized I needed to make my faith a priority and not half-ass it. I begrudgingly decided to look for a church, but I wasn't going to like it. I knew God wanted me to get plugged in somewhere, but I wasn't too enthused about the prospect. I'd listened to Mark Driscoll sermons off and on throughout college, but I really started listening to them, actually trying to apply what I was hearing and learning. And one thing he really emphasizes is being in community with other Christians. Like, all the time, in practically every message I heard. I finally was like, "Fine. Fine! Okay, I will look for a church. But I'm not too excited about this, God. And if I don't like it, I'm not going back." I looked online to see if there were any Acts 29 churches in Minneapolis, kinda hoping there wasn't so I could make more excuses. There are four. And they are all close-ish to where I live. There was even one like ten minutes away. Crap. I wasn't going to get out of this so easy.

So I went to Antioch Community Church....and loved it. The people were (and are) awesome. I got connected with a community group. I've made friends, not just interacted with people who only talk to me on Sunday. I feel like I've found my place. And God's really been working on my heart the last six months or so, reminding me not to hold back in fear, to be open to new possibilities, to look to Him for guidance and not going back to my old way of living and thinking. He doesn't want me to keep my heart shut, because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't, and don't want to, live life that way.

I've been thinking recently of how God spoke to my heart in the desert when I was bruised and hurting. He gave me peace and reassurance when I had none and felt so empty. I had nothing to give, but God met me where I was at and didn't let me wallow and have a pity party. He reminded me that everything else can fall away, but He will always be there. I can be completely alone, yet He will never leave  me. I am His and will never be forsaken, though I may stumble through darkness and doubt. I have nothing to offer, yet He is happy to give everything and fill me with hope and grace and love.

And I've reflected on how God's been speaking to me over the last four years as I've matured and realigned myself with Him. He's been teaching me to tune my heart to his voice, however He chooses to speak with me--from a penny on the ground to a book coming along just when I need to read what it says to a sunny day spent with friends to the messages I hear at church. I don't get to choose how God works, I just have to be open and expectant for Him to come through for me.

And now....something new and completely unexpected has come my way. I wasn't looking or searching for it. I wasn't praying about it. I was just going about my life, and now this. There's this guy...and he's pretty awesome. And he thinks I'm kinda awesome too. It's like finding a little seedling popping up from the ground in spring where you didn't know anything was even planted. The future is all up in the air again. I have no idea what the future holds. And I have never been happier about uncertainty in my life.

I am so excited to see what's going to happen next....

Sketching 4

The blue scribbles in the background are words--actually a prayer. When I talk to God, I have a hard time staying focused sometimes, so I like to write down what I'm thinking to stay on track. However, there are times when I don't want any legible writing left for anyone else to be able to read. It's a private conversation between me and Jesus. But I do want a record of it in some form to jog my memory. So, I write across the page normally, then I turn my sketchbook and write going another direction. I keep doing this until it's illegible and I've gotten everything off my chest. It's very cathartic actually. I might not even remember later what exactly was on my mind, but I remember that I talked to God about it and He knows what I scrawled across the page.
I don't usually go back and add anything else, but I was sitting in church doodling the other day (like usual) and saw the outline of this shape.

Rid of my disgrace

Oh, man, talk about spiritual attack Tuesday. I was originally planning to write something chipper and upbeat ....but I have been feeling pretty weighted down today. Emotions, thoughts and feelings that haven't surfaced in a long while have all reared their heads. It's a bit overwhelming to be honest. Every time I think I'm done with stuff from my past, that I've overcome it all and will never have to think about it again....I get my knees kicked out from under me, and I'm flat on my back...again. And it's easier to stay down than fight my way back up for the umpteenth time, because there's just so much to face and it takes so much work.

In the past when something like today would happen, I'd feel completely off kilter for days. Just not being able to shake it off, feeling like I was drowning under all the old accusations and helplessness. I would get in a funk, because I'd listen to those things instead of pushing back. At the time, I didn't know how to fight back and win. It just felt like it was futile, because I believed what was running through my head was true.

"You're worthless. Disgusting. Nothing will ever change. You're unloved, unwanted, something to be used and discarded....If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't feel this way, struggle this much....You're dirty, defiled, garbage....This is all your fault....No one else could possibly understand, and if you told anyone, they would be disgusted by you. Who would want to be your friend, if they truly knew you? You can't trust anyone. You will always be alone."

And on it would go. I'd just want to curl up under the covers and hope that it would all go away. It was all so heavy and dark.....and it felt like I was choking on fear and shame. I thought all of that was flowing out of my own heart.

Now the thing you should notice, what I wrote above are all you statements. I never caught on to this. Who ever really addresses themselves in the second person? I would go from, "I feel sad and ashamed," to, "You're shameful and pathetic." The first is an appropriate response to sexual abuse, but the second is not. It goes from "I was sinned against," to, "It's all your fault." You want help and healing, but think you don't deserve it because you begin to believe you brought it on yourself somehow. These malicious thoughts come into your mind and you just accept them, never even considering that they're not from you.

So, today--well, actually starting last night when I went to bed, I was feeling the weight of some past regrets. Things I shouldn't have done, words I should have said instead, and compromises I made to my standards and convictions. I was thanking God for forgiving and redeeming my sin, wiping away my tears, creating a new heart and a new mind in me. But all of sudden, I was just slammed with these accusatory phrases. And I started wallowing, getting pulled completely off track. I went from, "That is who I once was--I'm truly repentant over the things I did wrong, God, and thank you for forgiving me and not choosing to hold my sin against me. I regret this and am feeling the weight of the wrong, but I know you love me," to, "You're a horrible person and always will be. You are undeserving of love. You haven't changed and never will." And shame started wrapping itself around me.

But. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. And I realized that this wasn't coming from me. So, I did something that I didn't know how to do before when I was younger: I fought back the right way. "God, this isn't me and it's not how you see me. You have freed me from shame, from disgrace, from guilt. Yes, that's how I once felt, but that's not truth. This isn't true. You know who I truly am. Remind me of my identity in you and your love and grace. I am not alone--you are with me, and I have people I can turn to. I am loved. I will not give into shame and hide away. I am renewed, redeemed, beloved by you, God. I'm facing this and I know it's not me." (This video says it even better.)

And after a few minutes of praying, it was like a switch got flipped and those thoughts were gone from my head. Wow. It worked. And I slept through the night without a single bad dream (I've been having those lately).

This morning, those feelings came rushing back again, which isn't surprising. I've been confronting and praying against them through the day. I was looking at my tattoo earlier to remind myself that God is always there for me, even when the darkness comes. God's been reminding me today that my emotions don't define my faith and life. No matter what I'm currently feeling or remembering, God is good and He will never leave me bereft and broken. I'm not the same person I once was, because of His grace and mercy and love. I'm not bound to old ways of thinking and feeling.

This is me now. I don't care that it's kind of a crappy sketch, it illustrates perfectly who I am in Jesus.

Envisioning the future

I'm in the middle of a week off from work right now and have been taking the time to think about what's next for me. I thought it'd be good to devote some time to sit down, look at what I've been doing the last couple years and where I want to be headed in the next 12 months.

I enjoy creating art and trying out new ideas in my paintings, but it's incredibly difficult to pay the bills from that. And I have zero interest in being a graphic designer (which apparently, according to some people, is the only "real job" you can get if you're interested in art). I really love teaching, but it hasn't been a consistent gig for me. And I'd start to feel claustrophobic after awhile, being in a classroom every day. I like a little more variety. Thoughts like this have been running through my head with more frequency, and I was just feeling frustrated trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

It's easy in the midst of day-to-day life and work to just go from task to task and lose sight of my passions. I need to remind myself to keep my goals big and not condense my plans to a little bubble. I hadn't realized how small and unfocused my world had gotten lately until I started reading through this book a few days ago:

And I got some For Dummies titles too

It's been really eye opening so far, just writing down my values and what I like and don't like doing. I'm one of those people who enjoys making lists and filling my head with all kinds of informational tidbits. What I'm not so good at is actually doing something with all of that material. There's not much point to learning something new and insightful if it doesn't change anything about your life. I can't just keep writing down and talking about what I hope to do or want to pursue. I've actually got to put my plans into action. There is so much wasted potential in this world, and I don't want to be one of those people who could have done something great but was too lazy or scared to try.

But the hard part has been visualizing what I want to do with my passions and interests. It's all well and good to say, "I want to do something I enjoy," but without a goal to pursue, there's no direction or drive behind it. I also like having money, so I want a job that I can actually support myself with. But there's so many different avenues I could go down and particular passions I could pursue. However, I don't want to isolate just one facet of myself; I'd really like to involve all my strengths and interests.

So the exercise I did this morning was especially insightful. In Chapter 5, you're asked to write out your day five years from now. And it starts with simple things, seemingly mundane moments: What time do you wake up? What's your bedroom look like? What do you see when you look out the window? What do you hear?
At first, you think, "What does this have to do with a job, finding the career I want to pursue?" But as you go through the questions, you realize that you can't just compartmentalize your life into separate segments--"Work" over here, "Home" over there, one not affecting the other.

I ended up typing a whole page and haven't even answered every question so far. And as I was mulling over the answers, I was really struck with how small and safe I've been living my life lately.

I say I believe in a big God, and yet how does my life reflect that? I say I want my life to be like Jesus'....but do I really?  I settle for surfing the Internet and browsing Facebook, filling hours with nothing of importance, making excuses: "I'm too tired...I'll get to that tomorrow....Next week will be better to finish that...I'm not in the mood right now...Oh, that's so much work, I don't know if I can do that..." and blah blah blah.

Do I really, truly believe that God is Who He says He is? If I'm honest with myself, I know what Jesus said his followers' lives should look like...but I'm not living it. Life is not easy, I know that, but am I pushing through the obstacles or just using those roadblocks as an excuse to not try?

Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." It's tempting to only look at the second sentence, and get indignant that life isn't going my way. But the first part of that verse reminds us that living a full life requires effort and work, that there will be many obstacles to overcome to pursue what we love. Not that there might be hardships, there will be; it's a fact.

My dreams--the ideas that I've only shared with a few because they seem so audacious, so amazing, so big--will only ever be just that if I don't step out in faith, being bold, remembering that God has called me to something bigger than what I'm currently living. It's scary though. I like being comfortable. I like ease, I don't like having to lean on anyone else, trusting they will come through for me. I like to be my own savior. But if I keep on that path, nothing will ever happen. And that's not the life I want.

Ripples

Little actions can have big ripple effects. This is something that came to mind today. An off-hand comment, a smile instead of a frown, listening instead of jumping in to speak. It's the small things that we don't even recall that  can have the most impact on others.

I gave a dandelion to a little boy at church once, and apparently it made it his day. I don't even remember doing that, but my Mom mentioned it to me years later that he just thought that was awesome. He said he wanted to be kind like that too when he was older.

When I was little, I once punched a boy at church and shoved him so he fell on the floor and hit his head. All I remember is that we didn't like each other, and I thought he was a little snot. I was quite the firebrand as a kid. And after that, he was even meaner (hmmm, I wonder why?).

There is so much I don't remember about my life (and I'm not even 25 yet). How many people have I treated like the first boy? And how many more like the second? It's a lot easier from me to give in to being mean than taking that higher road of kindness. And it's not always in what I do...my thoughts can be so condemning and critical, cutting down the people unawares around me. That affects how I view them and subsequently treat them. Do I see that person as an annoyance, a bother, something to deal with as quickly as possible so I can get back to what I really want to be doing? Or do I remember that God loves them exactly as He loves me? I'm no better in God's eyes than the shabby homeless guy that comes into my store for a hot cup of coffee. He loves us the same. That's a humbling reminder. We're all on the same level before God.

It's so easy to live inside my own head, viewing the world in relation to how I feel, what I want, what I think. Looking at people as something to be used, to meet my needs. If someone annoys me or gets on my nerves, they're inconveniencing me. It's all about me, and it doesn't matter who they are or what they're going through.
And it's especially easy to reduce people to this working in retail. They're a transaction to ring through, not a person. The little bothers here and there build up, and in my eyes, everyone that walks through the door is a moron, giving me justification to look down on them. I'm so much smarter, more observant, more understanding, whatever. And those little opportunities that arise for a small kindness are spurned.

It's not about customer service, fulfilling my job duties at Half Price, it's about having a servant's heart like Jesus, living out my faith when push comes to shove in the daily grind. The strength of my faith isn't forged in the momentous occasions--it's one small thought and action after another that builds into a life that's truly great. And I fail so often in this.

It's easy to be Christian when people are watching and I'm in the spotlight. Ooh, look at me serving in the homeless shelter, volunteering at the elementary school, sharing my testimony at small group. But what about when there's no around, like when it's that really annoying old lady who won't shut up and I just don't want to smile at her? Or I'm tempted to slack off at work because I feel like it doesn't really matter?

God tells me to do everything for Him, even the seemingly stupid and mundane things. Because I don't know how He's using me or when He's speaking through me. God likes to speak in a still, small voice at times, using the most unlikely mouths to proclaim His Truth to the most unlikely people. He knows the ultimate path a single kind word can travel down or what is wrought by a small act of kindness.

I so want to remember this, not at the end of day when I'm musing online, but in the moment when I need to act. And that it would come from the natural overflow of a loving heart and not just because I'm "supposed to" act that way. Because that's just empty religiosity and nobody needs that.

Faithfulness

This morning at church, my pastor was continuing a series on generosity. The main Bible passage that he was expounding on was Luke 12: 35-48 (which I will share here so you don't have to look it up on Google):

"Stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them. If he comes in the second watch, or in the third, and finds them awake, blessed are those servants! But know this, that if the master of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have left his house to be broken into. You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour your do not expect.

Peter said, "Lord, are you telling this parable for us or for all?" And the Lord said, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find doing so when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant says to himself, 'My master is delayed in coming,' and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and get drunk, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know, and will cut him in pieces and put him with the unfaithful. And that servant who knew his master's will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

I normally don't feel the need to recap sermons from church and blog about them, but something from the message really stuck out to me today. I know it's a lot of verses to think about at once, but you need to know the context for the one that spoke to me. The gist of this whole passage is that Jesus is talking about the faithfulness of those who say they follow him. He is the master, I am the steward. Jesus mentions four kinds of servants: the first is faithful and responsible; the second one acts like there is no master and believes that what he has been put in charge of is his, dominating others and being a glutton, living only for instant gratification; the third servant knows what the master wants and just doesn't do it; the fourth doesn't know the master's will and does wrong. Each receives an appropriate reward or consequence for their behavior.

(As an aside, it's not religious behavior, going through the motions just to get the cookie or gold star that I'm writing about here. Jesus never mentions that. As my pastor pointed out, Jesus is talking about faithfulness. What the servants know of the master and how they respond is the point. We are saved by faith not empty works. I can't do anything to save myself or make God love me more. I want to be a faithful servant not because doing so will get me into Heaven, but because I'm already loved and my behavior overflows from a thankful and joyful heart.)

The verse I highlighted is the one that won't get out of my mind. It's very sobering, and reminds me that talk is cheap and easy. Action is much harder and requires following through on what I say I believe. The outright hedonism of the second servant is easy to condemn and the punishment is just--I know that I'm not my own master, and that God has entrusted me with many resources that I need to manage wisely. So I'm not the fourth servant either--I know God's will (in this area at least). So that means I'm either the faithful steward...or the defiant one. Do I know what God wants and desires for me to do and carry it out faithfully, even when it's hard....or do I just give Jesus the middle finger and go about my own business, knowing full well that it's not what I really should be doing? I'm still a Christian, redeemed by Jesus, saved from Hell....but when I get to Heaven, I really don't want to hear, "You could have done so much more with what I gave you." Or even worse, "Why were you so faithless?"

Sitting in church, I was very convicted with the realization that I'm the I-know-but-I-don't-care servant. I say I love Jesus and go to church and read my Bible and blah blah blah. I can have all the Bible knowledge in the world, but it doesn't mean squat if I'm not doing anything about it. Theology doesn't mean anything if it's only filling my head and not my heart. If my day-to-day behavior isn't reflecting what I say I believe, then I don't really believe what I say. And you can quote me on that. (Especially if it's right after I've just done something blatantly wrong; it's good for me to eat humble pie, particularly if it's my own words coming back at me.)

In talking about faithfulness in generosity, people tend to think of money first and foremost. It's easy to write a check and feel like I've contributed to something. I can say I'm pretty generous with my monetary resources--I regularly give funds to missionaries, charitable organizations, my church, to those in need. It really doesn't take that much effort. There is more to generosity than that. Money, sure. But what about giving of my talents? Okay, volunteering, teaching, sharing my art knowledge. Yeah, it takes a little bit of effort. Now what about giving my time? Not just volunteering, actively doing something I choose, but building friendships, deep relationships, giving of myself, sacrificing comfort and ease to be face-to-face with someone else and being real. Sacrificing "me time." Oooh, now that's a lot harder. It's easy to do something without engaging my heart.

But God calls me to love. And love is many things: patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, not always insisting that things go my way, not irritable or resentful, not rejoicing when things go wrong for others. Love endures through trial and perseveres, not giving up simply because it's not convenient or a little too much work. (paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Damn. Being a follower of Jesus is hard.

I know what's what. So the question is what am I going to do with that knowledge? Faithfulness...or defiance?

The Elephant Room Round 2: Quote Dump

Okay, so I said I would write individual posts for each quote that I wrote down from The Elephant Room....but, to be honest, I'm tired of writing about it and want to blog about other things. So I'm going to dump all the rest of the quotes into this post and be done with it. Here you go:

In reference to "doing church," T.D. Jakes said, "We keep trying to formalize that which isn't a formula."  People can get so hung up on the order and ritual of how to do a church service that they lose focus of what's important. It doesn't matter whether the offering is collected before or after the sermon. Worship can be accompanied by an organ or an electric guitar. There's not one "right" way to do church. I think God was smart to not say in the Bible how the first Christians conducted their services. The message always stays the same, but the mode of communicating it needs to adapt to speak to the culture. Mark Driscoll posed a poignant question: "If people meet Jesus, is there a wrong way to do that?" He also reminded the naysayers and nitpickers that "it's easier to be a critic than a pastor."

In a discussing leaders failing in the church, James MacDonald pointed out, "Fifty percent of leadership is self-management." As leaders, there is more at stake if one should fall, so there needs to be accountability sought out and submitted to. No man is an island. And those who fail are at fault and must take responsibility for their actions. But as T.D. Jakes noted, "We have not been taught to scream [ask for help]." Pastors and ministry leaders think they have to be perfect, as if to admit weakness were to be a failure....when all you're admitting to is that you're human! As I've written about before, I find that mindset ridiculous. Crawford Lorritts said, "Your identity is not your ministry." Any Christian's order of priorities (especially those in leadership) needs to be God first and foremost, followed by family, then your work (ministry related or not). He also pointed out that those who are owning up to failure must have the right heart behind the confession: "If they're concerned about their reputation, they're not repentant." But many leaders are afraid to admit their failures, because they worry about unforgiveness or retribution from those in their churches. As Mark Driscoll has stated before, "Hard words create soft people, soft words create hard people." If people are hearing the truth of the Bible--justice and mercy, that sin needs to be truly repented of and dealt with and forgiven--and seeing that faith lived out in their leaders, they will follow that path as well. Christians don't need to be perfect people, we need to be repentant people! We need to extend grace and hold people accountable. We must not enable sin, but we also don't want to make those who have failed afraid to repentant.

Loving communication within the church is so needed right now. Civility in our country and churches has been lost, and we all suffer for it. We demonize and shun those we don't agree with, turning it into a game of Us vs. Them. T.D. Jakes called that out: "We've got to learn to talk to each other, or we're going to die." The church doesn't need more division and strife. We've got to draw together and remember that we serve the same Jesus. Satan loves when Christians despise one another, because his work is already done. Jakes gave a good reminder, "If the leaders are loving the people will be as well." We can't let our preferences become our prejudices. Jack Graham encouraged reaching outside of our comfort zone and building friendships, "When I know you, I can love you." Some of the best and longest lasting relationships can be found in the most unexpected places. Crawford Lorritts shared wise advice he was given as a young man, "Don't let anybody tell you who your friends can be!"

And that last quote was my favorite for the day.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Church

I shared my initial impression about the Elephant Room Round 2 last week, and have had time to mull over the things that stuck out to me. I jotted down some pithy insights and great one liners from all the pastors that attended. I'm going to devote a blog to each quote and how it impacted me.

A bit of a caveat before I begin: I'm not going to nitpick or criticize--that has been done to death enough elsewhere on the interwebs. I don't need to pick at so-called theological fallacies or whatever. I'm going to focus on the positive and edifying things I learned and leave the negativity to others. Sure, I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. My goal is to expound on the truths that spoke to me personally. I stick with a micro focus on this blog, not a macro one. Write what you know, right? I know me and my heart and that's what I feel qualified to pontificate about. Anyways.

Pastor Jack Graham

Jack Graham caught me with this line during the first discussion about denominations:

"Most people don't show up looking for the Baptist church, the Methodist church. They show up looking for the Jesus church."

I feel like this hits squarely on the head something that has bothered me over the years. The argument over denominations and which one is "better" is a family issue. In that I mean, if you're not a Christian, it seems silly and can be rather confusing. To someone who's not a believer, Baptists and Lutherans look pretty much the same; telling them that one is better than the other is like telling a non-sports fan that the Vikings are better than the Packers. "They both wear spandex and play football. The only difference to me is one wears green and yellow and the other purple and yellow." If you're not part of the club, you just don't care. It's trying to teach someone Calculus before they've mastered Algebra. If the basics aren't covered, how on earth are you supposed to grasp consecutive issues?

And the debate about denominations shouldn't be the point. You don't invite someone to become an Episcopalian. Or accept Luther into their heart. Or pray to Calvin. To re-word what Graham said, people come to church looking for Jesus not theologians. First and foremost, church should be about Jesus. His love, his sacrifice for our sins, his death and resurrection. He is Lord, God, Savior, Healer, Comforter...Friend. Jesus said Christians are supposed to be known by our love. Not our debates. Not our theological differences. Not name calling and questioning others' faith. That at the end of the day, the body of Christ, the church, can lay aside our differences and be a family. In a family, you don't necessarily like each other all the time, you might snap and quarrel with each other....but underneath the temporary flared emotions, you are bound together and truly love each other. Just because one of my sisters says something I don't agree with doesn't mean she's not part of the family. I don't question whether my brother is truly related to me if he does something I wouldn't do. (I know that metaphor only goes so far, but if someone says they believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and are working to live out their faith, there's room for disagreement on open handed issues)

My best friend is Lutheran and I lean towards Baptist, I guess, though I was raised in a non-denominational church. We both call ourselves Christian and love Jesus. If we're going to talk about our faith to a non-believer, Jesus and his love gets top billing. Just writing this post has been a good reminder for me to keep my focus on Jesus first and not secondary, lesser issues.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Initial thoughts

Nice logo design by the way.

I was at Grace Church of Eden Prairie for the majority of the day today, watching a live simulcast of The Elephant Room Round 2. I'm so glad I took the day off from work and went, because it was so edifying. I was surprised, convicted, encouraged. I jotted down so many amazing quotes from all the speakers, but especially T.D. Jakes. I actually went because I listen to Mark Driscoll's sermons regularly, but T.D. Jakes is the one who really made me think today. Man, does that guy have a lot of insight and wisdom! He throws out these one liners that encapsulate what would take another preacher paragraphs. I really hadn't heard him speak before, beyond seeing him briefly on TBN when channel flipping. He just blew my mind with the truth he spoke. It's not like it was anything new to me, but just the way he worded it made me see things in a new light.

Bishop T.D. Jakes pwned it today.

One of his quotes that stuck out to me the most was when he was discussing race and segregation in the church: "You can't integrate the church until you've integrated your heart." I mean, just think about that. It gets right to the crux of the issue--it's not about out there, what we need to do as a church or culture...it starts with one person: me and the state of my heart. Convicting and encouraging: I can't point fingers, I have to work on myself, but at the same time, all I have to worry about is one person and not what everybody else is thinking and doing.

And that's just from ONE sentence from one of the seven pastors that participated! There's so much that I took in today, I'm going to have to let it marinate for a few days and process it all. I'm going to break my thoughts into multiple blogs, because there was so much I gleaned from this conference. I jotted down a lot of great quotes, which I will use as a spring board to further the discussion I got to listen to today. And I'm sure they'll be posting video clips again this year, so I'll try to find those to share with you as well.

The biggest thing I took away from The Elephant Room, beyond all the different issues and questions, is that as Christians we need to be able to sit down together and discuss issues that we disagree on and still love each other at the end of it. If Mark Driscoll and T.D. Jakes can debate and learn from each other, the rest of us can too.

To love is to risk

"Jesus followers join churches because they want to be like Jesus and will risk loving others deeply. Don't even deny the pain of this risk and naively think that truly living in community as the church with sinners is easy. Church squabbles do injure innocent people. Church leaders do disappoint when they don't live up to their calling. Other believers do betray trust and cause disillusionment. Every Christian both suffers these pains and causes others to suffer harm. To love is to risk and grow through pain, and those who want to love well choose to suffer pain rather than self-protect by abandoning church." ~Mark Driscoll, Doctrine, pg. 340

This is true, but it's not easy to live out. I have been betrayed deeply, to the core of who I am, by people I looked up to and thought were friends.
As a tween, my heart was shattered by a childhood friend--I know from experience what it's like to go through what the Bible calls the dark night of the soul. To weep yourself to sleep is a nice poetic phrase, the reality is something I don't ever wish to repeat. People use "It broke/breaks my heart," so flippantly. You feel like you're dying when it truly happens, like you're being torn in half. To love someone so deeply and innocently as a child....and when it's so callously thrown in your face, and you realize you are esteemed so little by them....it's very hard to overcome. As a kid, you haven't gained the coping skills and maturity yet to process that. An adult is hurt and wounded but knows how to move on, a child is destroyed.

I've mentioned before about being abused as well by a neighborhood boy who was several years older than me. "Love" is twisted into something weird, but you don't realize it at the time. As a child, you just believe that someone older than you knows better and that what they're doing is okay. You look up to this person, you love them and do what they say. Later, you figure out that it's not okay, but you feel scared and worry that you'll get in trouble if you say anything. Maybe you try to tell someone, but it doesn't come out right, you chicken out, it's too weird or uncomfortable to talk about...so you just let it drop. Or maybe like me, you blocked out the memories and they didn't come back until years later. Then all of sudden you're thrown into a tail spin.....what is this? Am I going crazy? What...what are these memories? What do I do with this? I don't have the words to talk about this.......I'm just going to pretend I didn't remember.

But you can't. You've become a different person and how you interact with others has been forever altered. You become harder, detached, independent (who needs people, I'm fine on my own), never getting too close, just waiting for the day when they fail you, always holding back part of yourself so you never have to feel that pain again. You are strong, capable, you protect others but don't let anyone protect you. God helps those who help themselves, right?

And how you see God? Well, He's God, so He's loving....but maybe He's not as powerful as the Bible says. Because why would He let your heart get destroyed like that? Why do you feel so alone in this pain, haunted by these past wrongs and unable to move beyond them? Where's the healing, Lord? Why on earth should I trust your people to help?! We barely talk about healthy sexuality in the church....no, it's better to keep it to myself.

And so it goes. Too afraid to open up, the fear of discovery of your shame, fear of being let down, scared of what people might think or say, scared of being broken again (you'd never pull the pieces back together again), afraid, fearful, terrified.......Fear rules and reigns in your life. It chokes you, determining every interaction you have with another person, chases you at night and hinders your sleep.....and it just never lets up. You just want it to stop. You try your hardest to move beyond it, stuffing it down, pretending you don't feel it......but the fear comes back. You tell yourself you're being silly, irrational, a stupid teenager--it's just hormones, but you feel the same anyway.

Finally, one night, you're at the end of your rope and cry out from the depths of your soul. You've prayed before, but tonight something is different. You feel some peace and sleep heavily, looking forward to this youth group conference you're going on tomorrow. It's the start of something new, though you don't know that yet. God shows up, you feel His presence in such a way that you are forever changed. You cry and admit that the wounds of the past still hurt so much. It's the beginning of a journey towards healing and renewal. You are alive again!

And now, here I am almost a decade later. God's brought me on a crazy journey since 2002. It's not all sunshine and sparkles, but it's better. I have come far and overcome much, and the road still stretches on in front of me.

Why do I tell all this in a post about loving others and risking my heart to be in real relationships with other Christians? To show that it's not just words, naive churchy speak. To say, "God doesn't want me to be alone," is easy. I truly believe it....even though I still struggle with taking down the walls around my heart. Even though I have been wounded and betrayed and hurt....I still need His people. I need love, I need to be connected with others, I can't live live alone. I don't just need Jesus in my life--I need His followers too. His messed up, hypocritical, gossipy, sinful failures who can be pretty mean sometimes...because that's me too. I need forgiveness for my failings just as much as I need to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged me.

I hang onto the fact that God is love, and there is nothing evil about Him. He says He is all powerful, and I do doubt sometimes, but I believe Him. He's just and good, and says all evil will be accounted for and judged. He says He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I'm protected, even if I might not feel like it. He says He has a plan and hope for my future, that everyday His mercy is renewed in my life. It's not just pithy Bible verses, it's what I hold onto when Fear comes whispering, when my heart quivers and fails. My faith is not based on what I feel at any given moment; my foundation is that God is love.

I need to trust Him. That if I open up, share of myself, risk being vulnerable (in a wise and healthy way), dare to build deep relationships, moving beyond shallow "how are you?" to "I love and care for you," that He will be there for me. If people fail me, God won't. If I'm rejected, He will always be there. I don't want a lonely, empty life because I let fear rule me. I don't want to hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt. To really love, I have to let go of my heart and trust that God will take care of it. I realize that people will fail me, might betray me, may leave me.....but I my worth is not found in them.

Jesus loved and shared His heart and life freely, then was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He knows what that pain feels like. He knows what it's like to feel utterly alone and abandoned. He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back. He knows. And that gives me comfort, because my God has experienced what I feel. And He loves anyways. Not because He's stupid, but because a life without love is empty and meaningless.

Theology actually matters

There's a great sermon series
that goes along with the book.

I've been reading my way through Doctrine by Mark Driscoll in bits and pieces over the last year, and my mind has been blown.

I'm not one for theological arguments and arguing over ridiculous Biblical ephemera that doesn't matter. Before reading Doctrine, I had pretty written off theology as boring and really not applicable to my life. I went to Northwestern College and had to take Christian Theology one semester; it was one of the most mind numbingly dull classes I ever sat through during college. The professor was dry, boring, listing off facts in a monotone, and wouldn't give a straight answer to save your live. I studied for the tests and promptly forgot pretty everything once I was done, because it didn't matter. Lists of big words and their paragraphs of definitions, long dead theologians, Biblical nitpicking that just came across as silly....none of it made any kind of impact on me. It was dull. It was boring. It was empty. Just academic knowledge for my head that did nothing for my heart.

I love Jesus Christ. I believe he was and is fully God and fully man, the second member of the Trinity, which also includes God the Father and the Holy Spirit. Jesus came into the world to live and to die for all of humanity's sin. He lived a perfect life, died a death he didn't deserve, and rose again three days later. His death paid the price for our evil and wickedness, leaving us humans righteous and pure before God. Jesus wasn't just a "good man" or a nice teacher or a hippie, He is God. He now sits at the right hand of God the Father in Heaven, and one day will return in glory to pass judgement and create Heaven and earth anew. In the meantime, those of us who  follow Jesus as Lord and Savior, try to live our lives like His, struggling and failing a lot, yet also finding great joy in striving to be more like Christ.

Seems pretty simple to me. I wasn't interested in what I saw as theological nitpicking and thought that "Theology" was for academic scholars with too much time on their hands. It just didn't matter to me, and seemed out of reach and over my head. Words like "theology" and "doctrine" didn't seem to have a place in the real world of actually living life. I've met many people who have their heads stuffed full of terms and definitions, who could make your head spin with all the Biblical facts they know....but it doesn't affect their hearts. They are arrogant, condescending, prideful, more concerned with what they know than what they actually do with that knowledge. They'd rather debate until they're blue in the face than, you know, serve in a food shelter or something. They don't have time for that, they're too busy doing exegetical studies from the original Greek!

To be fair, I have met a smaller amount of people who are very wise and knowledgeable and put into practice what they believe. They go deep in studying which really makes their faith bloom and thrive. They suck up Bible knowledge like a sponge, not just talk about it endlessly, but to live it out. Learning and applicability go hand-in-hand for them. But these kinds of people, in my experience, tend to be in the minority.

Over the last few years, I've been consistently listening to Mark Driscoll's sermons. I'm so thankful that Mars Hill Church posts so much excellent content online for free. I have learned more about Jesus and what it means to follow him in the last two years than I did during my whole time at Northwestern. Nobody is perfect and I don't agree with everything Mark teaches, but so much of his preaching has enriched and deepened my faith. Theological terms are interwoven into his sermons so seamlessly. Doctrinal issues that I would have dismissed or never bothered learning about, he's made understandable and applicable. And that's the key thing: Applicability in daily life. Simple definitions that aren't dumbed down but made understandable. I don't need pages and pages of theological gobbledygook if one good sentence will do. I don't need to know why God is love or who He loves or what His love is like or what "love" means in the original Greek....at the end of the day, I just need to know and truly believe that God loves me.

I've come to realize that learning some doctrine can further my faith, deepen it in unexpected ways. "Theology" doesn't have to be this loaded, scary word. It means "the study of God and God's relation to the world." Okay, I get that. Learning more about God, who He is and what He's like? Yes, I want to know that. I want to know more about this God I follow and strive to be more like. Kinda hard to become like someone if you don't know who they are, right? Like getting to know a friend, that's how I want my relationship with Jesus to be like. Not stuffing my head full of facts about His attributes or memorizing endless definitions, I want to know Him personally.

So, reading Doctrine has been an eye-opening journey for me. The authors (Gerry Breshears helped co-write) always bring it back to Jesus. Every definition and issue comes back to knowing Jesus more fully. Every chapter is about revealing more of who God is and how He relates to us. Things that I have always believed but never been able to articulate are summed up concisely and memorably. Mark writes the way he speaks: simple, powerful, applicable. Issues that I have struggled over in the past suddenly make sense. Oh, okay, I get it now! It's like a lightbulb has come on for me. I understand why every church needs to do communion. Why a believer should be baptized. And that different ways of doing them are okay as long as you understand why you're doing it in the first place: it's all about Jesus. It's not that we have to do something, another check mark on our religious to-do list, it's that we get to do it for Him, out of joy and thanksgiving for what He's done.

I've learned that knowledge of church history and those Christians who have come before can deepen my faith, furthering my relationship with God. Knowing big words, not to stuff my head and get puffed up with knowledge, but to expand my heart. Justification, propitiation, expiation, atonement....the reason to learn what they all mean is to know Jesus better. Not to argue endlessly, going in circles, but to love better, live fuller, believe more fully. It's not about what I know, but Who God is and what He's done for me. Thank you, Pastor Mark, for making these things come alive for me!

So, yes, I've come to realize, theology matters, because it helps me connect with Christ in a real way.

Diseases, drugs and now...a cure

I actually have some good news to share on the Andrew being sick front!
Some of you already know about my brother, Andrew, and his diseases, but I'll give a brief overview for those of you who don't.

Typical teenage boy, so NOT enthused.

Andrew was born with Chronic Granulomatous Disease (CGD), the same illness that my older brother, James, who died in 1988 had. CGD tends to run in families although it is VERY rare. It's estimated that only 1 in a million people have it. Andrew's taken medicine for CGD his whole life and been hospitalized many times over the years. He knows what it's like to be a human pin cushion very well--I couldn't even guess how many times he's had blood taken.

At the end of 2008, we found out he also has Celiac Disease, which means he can't eat anything with gluten in it (i.e. anything containing wheat). Thankfully, living in a major metropolitan area, we can find good gluten free food pretty easily. Pizza Luce, one of my family's favorite restaurants, even has an excellent GF menu. They justifiably advertise as Minnesota's Best Pizza. So, Andrew adjusted to his new diet, gained a lot of weight and grew like a weed.

Then over a year ago, he started complaining about his gut hurting. It just got worse and worse, he could barely eat and lost a lot of weight. There were a bunch of open sores in his mouth. The doctors found out his intestines were very inflamed and diseased. Pretty much from his mouth all the way through to his anus, he had inflammation and ulcers. One doctor said that Andrew should have been rolling around on the floor screaming, that's how bad it was. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), and his main doctor referred him to the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Bethesda, Maryland.

CGD is rare, but Andrew's doctor is the world's authority on it and sees many patients with it at Children's Hospital here in Minneapolis. Andrew isn't her only patient having stomach and gut issues either. NIH is interested in studying these patients, because they're presenting similar symptoms. People with CGD used to not live very long, but now with medical advances life expectancy is much longer than it once was. The researchers are curious if these gut issues are a symptom of CGD or caused by the life long use of the drugs taken to keep healthy.

So, Andrew and my Mom have flown out there several times now since this summer, and he's been getting different drugs to help with the inflammation in his gut. The awesome thing is everything is paid for, it's cutting edge research, so my parents don't have to try to figure out how they're going to afford all the expensive drugs Andrew's taking. He's slowly gained a tiny bit of weight, although his guts are still messed up.

The most exciting bit of news is that a cure for CGD has been discovered! We'd heard years ago of bone marrow transplants being a possible cure, but at the time it was way too risky and dangerous, with a very low success rate. It was not something to be considered except as a last resort.

They have now successfully done bone marrow transplants for many CGD patients with great success! Another young man with CGD from Minnesota actually just had a transplant this past summer at NIH and is now cured. My parents have decided to move forward in the transplant process after much investigation and prayer. We've known about this since the summer, but were waiting to see if a matched donor could be found before we started sharing about it. The best donor is a sibling, because they're more likely to be an exact match.

My sisters and I had our blood drawn, but that didn't get done right. So then we did cheek swabs...which weren't the right size for the testing machine. We did the swabs again with the correct sized ones this time. We just heard back yesterday: I'm a PERFECT match for Andrew!! And apparently Leah and Hannah are exact matches to each other, so they know who to ask if either of them ever need a kidney.

We're hoping to do the bone marrow transplant next summer out at NIH. Thankfully, they will not need to hack into my hip to harvest the bone marrow. I'll write more about what I'll have to go through as I get more information. Even if they had to break my leg, I'd do it anyways. Andrew will be cured of CGD! Even five years ago, we couldn't have fathomed that there would be a cure.

For those of who have been praying over the years for Andrew to be cured, thank you. God has answered your prayers for a cure. I like to say, sometimes the Lord heals in miraculous, spontaneous ways, and other times He works through the knowledge and expertise of gifted doctors. It's amazing either way.

Year in review part 3: Me

So far I've shared about family and friends (and church). Now it's onto a more personal focus, what's been going on with me this year (I wanted to keep the whole alliteration thing going with the titles, because I'm weird like that, but I couldn't think of a good word that starts with F for this post).

I started out the year with an art show. Four of my paintings were on display at Coffman Union at the University of Minnesota. My art was chosen for all the promotional stuff, which was pretty awesome. It's really neat to see a big ol' poster with your work splashed across it. The art shows continued, February being the best month, when I had art in FOUR shows at the same time! I had work displayed in an upscale salon, a tattoo shop, restaurant, and an actual gallery. Beloved Studios (the tattoo place) left my paintings up from February until August! I didn't have too many other shows this year, but I did get to road trip a little for one. In October, I drove up to the Iron Range in northern MN with all my Doily Ninjas to be part of a street art show. My grandparents live just two minutes from the gallery, so it was fun for my Grandma to get to see my art in person. My grandparents also had more to brag about when pictures of some of the Doily Ninjas got published in the Mesabi Daily News. Thanks, Grandma, for the newspaper clippings--I will totally hang on to those!

Any press is good!

I got a really good response from people, probably because I gave away a few of the Ninjas. The Doily Ninjas are my most successful series so far; it's been really fun to see where they end up--my Ninjas are more well traveled than I am! Someone brought a Ninja to Japan; Hannah's taking one with her to New Zealand, and another friend is packing one when she and her family go to Cameroon next month. Just remember to take pictures for me, guys! 

The Doily Ninjas have been extra fun for me, because I always planned to give them all away. I got the wood shapes for free, and I just like to share art with others. Sure, I like to sell work as well (money is good), but part of my artistic philosophy is that I give some stuff away too. God gifted me with a passion and skill for art making, I like to give back by not clinging so tightly to everything I make. Beauty is meant to be shared. 

Speaking of art, I just applied for graduate school this month. If I get accepted, I'll be attending the U of MN next fall for a Master's in painting. I feel like God's telling me it's time to start a new chapter in my life and focus more on what I really want to be doing. Now that my application is out of the way, I'll be gearing up to apply for more art shows after Christmas. 

The biggest thing this year was getting my tattoo. It's been something I'd been thinking about for a long time and finally had the money to do it right. I'm so happy with it, and it just feels right to have it there now. It's a visual aid for a great story about Who God is and what He's done in my life. In the coming year, I look forward to sharing that testimony more. God has really been impressing on my heart that I need to not give into fear, but be bold and courageous, standing up and proclaiming that I am who I am today because of His great love. Without Jesus, I would be lost, broken, alone, bereft, in darkness and hopeless. I never want it to become this trite, faky smile story. It's not like, "Everything was horrible, then Jesus showed up and now it's all perfect!" *cheesy grin* Life has its ups and downs, and God is there with me through it all. 

Another cool thing this year: my sisters and I went on a great American road trip across the country. We went from MN to Omaha, Nebraska (where our aunt and uncle live), then straight through to Tucson, Arizona. It was just the three of us and my red Elantra, zipping through mountains and desert, there and back again in a little less than two weeks. It was alternately draining and relaxing. Our friends in Tucson spoiled us and played tour guide--I definitely want to visit again! I love road trips, and there's just so much to see in the Southwest. Note to self next time: don't try to drive straight through the night, pay the money for a hotel. It was really hard to come back to the humidity of the Midwest after the glorious dry heat of AZ. If I didn't like MN so much, I would move there right now.

I'm going on three and a half years at Half Price now. It's been a decent job with some nice benefits--they take pretty good care of their employees. I'm grateful to have great health insurance, that's for sure! I appreciate having such a flexible job when it comes to getting days off. Because of that flexibility, I've been able to do as many art shows as I have and volunteer as well. There's not too many jobs you can just take every Tuesday off to go volunteer somewhere. I really like that I can do that. I also love the fact that I'm surrounded by books every day and get paid to read. I've learned so much from all the awesome books I've come across at Half Price. I always said when I was growing up that I wanted to work at a bookstore someday. 

But lately, the store's been feeling smaller, claustrophobic at times. There's an itch, I guess you would call it, a quiet longing for something more. A little voice whispering in the back of my mind as I go about my day: "Don't settle. Don't stagnate, Elisabeth. You will not be happy or content to stay here another three years." It's scary though, because I don't know what's coming next. It's safer to just settle into neutral and not strive too hard....but it's not the best way. I want the less traveled road, the journey through uncharted territory. I can feel it's time for something new--God's been poking me most of the year to get ready. He knows that I like being comfortable and am not a huge fan of big life change. 

And if I'm coming across as all uber-spiritual and faith-filled, because I mention God a lot, don't believe it. I floss more than I read my Bible. If I want to read something, the Bible is definitely not the first thing that comes to mind. Over the last 12 months, I definitely have gotten closer to Jesus and feel like I understand Him just a bit more...but faith is a never ending journey. I suck at it a lot more than I'm successful. That's one thing I've realized this year: I may have grown up in the church and a Christian household, which means I know a lot about the Bible....but it's much harder for that knowledge to be transformed into application in my life. I don't want to be a Christ follower simply in word. It's easy to talk, that's cheap and easy. The hard part comes when it's time to put one foot in front of the other and actually live out what I say I believe. I think if I focus on following Jesus first and foremost, the rest will get figured out along the way. 

Year in review part 1: Family

The holiday season is upon us, and one of its many traditions: the Christmas letter. Usually it's subtle (or boldly overt) showing off: Timmy's soccer team won the championship! Bobby graduated valedictorian! Susy won a gold medal! Whatever. Not that sharing your family's accomplishments is a bad thing, but all the awesome gets lumped into one page or card sent at the end of the year. I prefer to hear about the good things as they happen, to share in the joy. And when crap happens, I want to be there for my friends to help in their time of trouble.

So, this is my Christmas letter/blog, but I'm not here to just toot my own horn and show off how awesome I am. I want to review this past year, the good and the bad, to show how good God has been. On Christmas Eve for many years, I've had a conversation with God that I journal. I reflect on the past 12 months, and thank Him for his goodness and grace in my life. I think about the hard stuff I endured and the joys I got to experience. The friends gained...and lost. I notice when a stage of my life has ended, and thank God for it and look forward to the next chapter. I mull over what the theme of my coming year will be.

At the end of last December, I felt that 2011 would be the year of relationships: forging new ones, renewing and fortifying my existing friendships, drawing closer to family, seeking to know Jesus more personally. And that was the theme for this year in many ways.

I feel closer to my family, celebrating our inside jokes and shared silliness. We revel in being weird and laughing, because we know that life can really suck sometimes. My parents continue to love God, each other and our family, living that out in every circumstance. They celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this year! I like to sit in the kitchen and talk about whatever with my Mom. I enjoy taking my Dad out to eat, because he's good company too. I'm so blessed to have such loving parents who are so involved in my life and care not just for my physical needs but also spiritual.

Hannah and I continue to share a room, dealing with limited closet space and different definitions of what "tidy" means. ;) Though it's fun to be able to raid each other's clothes when we have "nothing to wear." Hannah is a junior at the University of Minnesota, and will be studying abroad in New Zealand next semester. She's been praying and trusting God to provide all the money she stills needs as she's been filling out scholarship after scholarship.

Leah is going on over four years at Starbucks as a barista. Within the last couple months, she landed a job at First Avenue in downtown Minneapolis. If you don't know, First Ave is one of the premier clubs in the whole country! It's the perfect place to continue pursuing her calling in the music industry. She's also the manager for a band called Cosmonaut. I think God's going to be taking her some interesting places over the next year, that's for sure!

It's been rough year for Andrew to say the least. He's lived with Chronic Granulomatous Disease (CGD) his whole life, which is tough enough. But he was also diagnosed with Celiac Disease in 2008, and over the last year and a half has been battling Inflammatory Bowel Disease. His insides are all kinds of messed up. Much prayer for his recovery would be very appreciated. But no pity please. I don't want to define him simply by his diseases though. He is Mr. Technology: he's a hardcore gamer and wants to work for Game Informer magazine someday. I took him on a tour of my alma mater, Northwestern College, earlier this year...which was super weird for me. I used to change his poopy diapers....and now he's almost ready for college! Craziness. There is hope on the horizon for his CGD as well: a bone marrow transplant can cure it, and we're currently in the process of seeing if one of us siblings is a match. Please pray that one of us is, because that would be AWESOME! You have no idea what that would mean for Andrew, to be cured from this thing he's had to deal with since he was a baby.

My older brother, Nate, just got back from his third deployment to Iraq earlier this week. He's also been to Afghanistan twice. I'm happy he got home safe and sound. We're all excited to spend Christmas with him and hang out. He's going to be stationed in Hawaii for a while, so I might have to go out there for a visit.

For the first time in years, my whole family got to visit with my grandparents earlier this year. It was super fun to have us all there and celebrate my grandma and grandpa 60 years of marriage. I really like hanging out with my extended family.

At the end of May, my sisters and I embarked on a two week cross country road trip. I'm pretty sure that'll be the only time just the three of us travel together like that, and we had a lot of fun. Hannah and I both were sick for most of it, but we didn't let that slow us down. We drove to Omaha, Nebraska to visit our aunt and uncle, then down to Arizona to stay with our dear friends the Barnes family. We had much fun and merriment at their house. It was hard to come home after being so pampered. It was definitely a good time. Along the way, I left Doily Ninjas in every state. Leah was kind enough to document where I left them, and my Facebook is full of their pictures. And of course, we had to have a couple photo shoots too. This is my favorite from the trip. That's Hannah and I jumping in front of an awesome sunset in the middle of nowhere in Colorado.

So my family definitely experienced ups and downs this year, but God has been good and gracious to us. It's exciting to think where He's going to lead us in the next 12 months. I'm thankful for each of them and our deep love for each other. We actually like being around each other (most of the time).

Next up, Part 2: Friends