Seek...and ye shall find?

I'm actively pursuing a diagnosis again...and it's so exhausting. It just drains me emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's this crazy stew of emotions, all swirling together, constantly at the forefront of my mind. It makes it hard to focus on anything else or just be able to relax. Anxiety, hope, pessimism, anger, frustration....there's just so much there, because it's been so long (almost 15 years)....and I just want to know what's wrong with me.

For a few years, I stopped caring (or at least told myself I didn't care) about getting a diagnosis, because it's so wearying, the cycle of  having tests proposed, getting the blood drawn, then waiting....waiting...waiting for the results to come back and finding out they're negative yet again.

And the doctors and other medical people I've dealt with, in general, just don't care that much and suck at following up. I have to hound them, over and over again, to get any kind of response back. That's why I'm done dealing with the Muscular Dystrophy Association Clinic (which is a whole post on its own). They are absolute crap at follow-up unless you badger them multiple times. It was very evident that I wasn't seen as a human being, with feelings and worries, full of pain and questions; I was a combination of symptoms that didn't fit nicely into an easy diagnosis, a blood test, a research project, something to think about in a distant and academic way. Their genetic counselor seems to act like she only has to talk to me when I go in for my yearly visit, even though she has all my contact info. She doesn't update you on anything--it's just radio silence for months and months. Supposedly they were having issues with the lab that runs some of their blood tests this last year, but she never bothered to let me know. And then she just "forgot" to call or email me with the results. I didn't even know the lab results were back until I got a bill for it! How hard is it to send a simple email? There was only ever one, ONE! doctor I was seen by at the MDA clinic that made me feel cared for and considered as a person...and he recently left.

I have no desire to be handed off to another academic, research paper oriented doctor who could care less about the patient in front of him. I never got any advice from the MDA on how to actually live with my illness, besides one nurse telling me to take an obscene amount of ibuprofen every day. One doctor said, "Well, you're not nearly as bad off as my other patients," as if that somehow meant I didn't need to seek physical therapy or other treatments to improve my quality of life because I wasn't incapacitated and severely disabled. I was never given any advice or suggestions on ways to maintain my muscle strength or energy levels. It was just tests, tests and more tests, and sometimes having to wait more than a year, let me repeat, MORE THAN A YEAR, to get back results from tests that take maybe a few weeks to do.

I was so turned off by the way I was treated by the MDA that I just shut off for a while. I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore. I didn't even want to go to the regular doctor unless I was sick with something easily fixed, like an ear infection or something. The emotional strain is so hard, and doctors just don't get that. I am the one watching my body fall apart bit by bit, I am the one living with fatigue and pain, I am the one worried about the future (What if I wind up in a wheelchair? What work can I do that won't exhaust me? How can I have kids if I'm this tired and weak all the time? etc, etc), I am the one who has to live with it all day in and day out. And it can be so weighty and just overwhelming at times.

I have been struggling a lot emotionally since last summer. I have been feeling really, really down about being sick over the last several months. I have cried with Colin on multiple occasions and shared with him how utterly lonely and overwhelming it can be some days. It just feels sometimes like no one cares, that I am utterly alone in my desire to find out what the hell is wrong with me, that I am just another appointment the doctor crosses off their list for the day.

And I tried to not care for awhile, to put all those emotions away, but it just keeps coming back: I want a name to put to all these symptoms. I. Just. Want. To. Know.

I don't want a pat on the head and to be sent on my way, told that at least I'm not as bad off as other patients. I don't want to be told to keep waiting and waiting, and maybe someday someone somewhere will get around to figuring out what's wrong with me. I don't want to keep being told what I don't have. I don't want to hear any more academic jargon that just describes my symptoms (I live with it every day, I know what my symptoms are, thankyouverymuch). I don't want to be dismissed, as if I don't have any insight to offer because I don't have MD after my name. I don't want answers to questions I didn't ask or care about.

I want a little compassion, some empathy, acknowledgement that I am a living, breathing human being who has been struggling along for almost 15 years now with no clue as to what is making my body slowly but surely fall apart. That even though I keep hitting wall after wall, I have kept trying to find an answer.

And now, maybe, a lead of some kind. I'm trying so hard to not get my hopes up about this, but I'm going to get tested for celiac disease in a couple weeks. I have been doing a lot of research on celiac recently, and have discovered that people with unexplained neuropathy (which is what I have) should get tested, as a certain percentage of people will have celiac disease. (thank you, Celiac Disease Center for helpful and accurate info!) My younger brother, Andrew, and my grandma both have celiac, which puts me at a strong likelihood of also having it.

I can't let myself get too excited, because it could all come back negative yet again. But I so hope that this is it. That finally, finally! I will have an answer, a diagnosis, the reason for why I have been sick for so long. Yeah, switching to eating gluten free would be inconvenient at first, but I would be more than willing to make the change if that's what has been making me sick all these years. I will also be spitting mad at the MDA, because that's such an easy thing to test for.

Fingers crossed, I will know in a few weeks.

Acceptance

I asked to have grab bars installed in my bathroom today.

I should have done it right after we first moved in two years ago...but I am a prideful person and didn't want to admit that I need them.
Maybe when I fell out of the shower last summer and bashed my back against the toilet, that might have been a good sign it was time to ask.
Or the fact that when I close my eyes, I have pretty much no sense of balance and need to hold on to something or else I start tipping over. Well, even with my eyes open, it's not much better. Sometimes my balance just suddenly dissipates , and I need to grab hold of something solidly anchored to prevent a face-plant.

Either way, I finally swallowed my pride and stopped by the apartment complex office today, fighting anxiety that I would have to fight to get what I need or provide a lengthy justification. But it was surprisingly.... easy. The office manager didn't even bat an eye, just put in an order for the maintenance guy to install the grab bars. Her response was really kind: "Oh, we've put in plenty of those. We probably have some on hand already, so it shouldn't take too long to get them installed."
I don't know what I was expecting really (the front office here is always so helpful and quick to take care of problems), but all the anxiety rushed out of me like a deflating balloon, and I immediately felt so much lighter.
I guess there's a part of me that always expects people to not be helpful or understanding, that their response will be something along the lines of, "Why? You don't look sick." I expect to be shot down rather than supported.

Maybe some of that comes from living in denial for so long about my health. I mean, I know I'm sick and have physical disabilities, but for the last 12 years there's always been a part of my brain that just hasn't accepted it. That side of me held to the belief that the next test or specialist or clinic would reveal my illness was an easily fixable problem, and I would be healthy and whole again. Not held back by weakness and fatigue, or having to plan my days based on how tired I am, or scrapping plans midday because my energy just took a nosedive. There was that voice in my head that said I didn't have to deal with any of this, because eventually it would just go away and I could go back to being healthy and normal.

And I think it's finally hit me and truly sunk in that I am sick and it isn't ever going to go away. I have an undiagnosed form of neuropathy, and I've been waiting for that magical diagnosis for more than a decade to fix everything...but I have to deal with this in the here and now; I can't keep waiting for "someday when I know what's wrong with me" to take charge of my health. Because there isn't some fairy godmother/doctor who is going to appear, wave their magic wand and make it all better. If I'm going to take better care of myself this year and be a stronger advocate for what I need, I have to be realistic about my health and what I can and cannot do.

I think the last 12 years have been me slowly making my way through the five stages of grief. I've cycled through the first four--denial, anger, bargaining, depression--for years, but haven't ever truly gotten towards acceptance up until now. Just because I've been able to talk about my health more openly in recent years doesn't mean I had truly come to terms with it. I can have a normal conversation about what my illness entails and not fall apart sobbing on someone, but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to okay with it.

I can't advocate for myself effectively if I'm not honest about what my needs are. I need to admit my weaknesses and disabilities, because how can I improve my daily life otherwise? I use leg braces to support my legs and feet, which keeps my hips and back better aligned than if I was limping around. I have handicap parking to save energy, especially in the winter when it's cold and icy and it's easy for me to slip in slushy parking lots. I get massage therapy and chiropractic care every three weeks to help maintain my muscle strength and keep my back in good shape. I take my vitamins every day, especially Vitamin D in the winter, because it helps my body function well. I'm trying to eat healthier: this month I added green smoothies to my diet, because it improves my energy levels and gives my body good fuel to run on. I pay attention to my energy levels so I don't over exert myself and get sick. And today I asked to have grab bars installed in my bathroom.

Because I can't keep living in denial. 

People's Emotions

I am an empathetic intuitive person. Meaning I very keenly pick up on others' emotional states and can very easily get a "feel" for who someone is....though I can't always verbalize it right away. Sometimes I feel a "click" when I first meet someone and know that we will be friends eventually (that's what happened when I met my best friend). It's almost like getting a quick outline of who someone is--I don't have all the fine details, but there's an overall sense of who they are as a person.
When someone feels dangerous or unsafe I listen to that now--far too many women are worried about being polite rather than listening to that little voice that's going "DANGER! Back away!" I can tell pretty well when someone is lying or pretending to be someone they're not.

It's nice to be able to "read" people sometimes, but a big downside is that I can get really overwhelmed by someone's emotions. It actually effects me physically, occasionally to the point where I'll get super tired or nauseous feeling or my joints ache. I can't just shake it off, because I feel it so strongly.

Most of the time when I meet a person whose emotional state is off kilter, I don't have to interact with them very much. I can be polite and move on. However when I have to interact on a regular basis with someone whose emotions are very chaotic it's so incredibly draining. It's like constantly getting little electric shocks to MY emotions. I don't know how much that makes sense, so let me try to explain this visually, because that's how I picture it in my mind.
Most people's emotions feel likes this to me:

source: www.wallsave.com

Gentle waves that flow around a person and stay pretty close to them. It might sound new agey, but "aura" is the best word I have to describe this. Most people feel what they're feeling and it doesn't affect those around them too much. It's like everyone is a candle, they each give off a small glow of emotion.

Now someone who is very chaotic emotionally, off balance, not able to process what they're feeling in a healthy way,  in complete denial about their emotional state, or worst of all, someone who needs to foist their feelings onto others for whatever reason, looks likes this in my mind's eye:

source: Wikimedia Commons

And this picture still doesn't quite come across as intense as I'd like. Someone who is chaotic and unhealthy inside, their aura is out of control, it sparks and lashes out, it's like an octopus having a seizure gripping tasers in each tentacle. Instead of a candle flame, it's a forest fire out of control. I feel like I'm constantly getting slapped in the face when I am forced to be around someone like this for any length of time. They aren't doing this on purpose, but it feels very invasive and overwhelming.

And like I said before, usually if I encounter someone like this, I don't have to be around them very long and it doesn't bother me that much. But when I have to be around someone who is both sparking off chaotic emotion while simultaneously sucking away my emotional energy AND can't get away, it's a recipe for mental exhaustion. Seriously it feels like dealing with an emotional vampire! I just want to run away from people like this.

This whole thing has been on my mind lately for a variety of reasons, and partially I wanted to write it down just to sort through it in a logical way for myself. As an intuitive person, I don't naturally think in a linear way and my thoughts tend to come in images rather than words. Also, it can seem a bit "hippie dippie" (even though it's really not) just because the words I have to use to describe all this have some funky connotations in most people's minds. It's just how my brain works though. :)

Searching for something to say

I've pretty much given up blogging regularly for over a year now. Over the years I have started and abandoned more blogs than I care to count. I always start strong, but grow discouraged and give up. I'll read the stuff I've posted from a while back and be amazed at what I've written. Was that really me? I typed that insight with such clarity? Where did I find the words? It's like reading the musings of a different person. I feel so inept at conveying what's in my head. I look back at those old posts and marvel...wondering from what depths I drew.

And then there's always something in me that says I don't have anything worth sharing anyways. That my voice is not unique. That I am merely throwing my words out into the wind of the Web with no impact. So even if I come up with something particularly insightful, who will actually read it? Like a grain of sand on a beach, who is going to be able to see that one speck amidst all the others? What's the point of putting in the effort?

Also, I'm lazy. I lack motivation to sit down and write. I have every intention of posting something new...but Facebook, DeviantArt, Etsy, some interesting time suck of a site distracts me. And then it's been a week, a month, a year, over a year....and it's been so long why should I even bother?

And yet....there's something else in me that pushes me to write, to hit the "Publish" button, to share my new creation with the world. I put it out there, hoping that maybe someone will come along and read and be changed for the better.

I don't know, but I'm going to try. To struggle to gather my thoughts. To make the effort to write them down. To post something, anything. I don't want to abandon yet another project.

God's Grace

This was a note I wrote on Facebook back in December, but it's been a train of thought for me again of late, so I thought I'd share it here:

I  was looking back through my timeline this morning, remembering the drama and craziness of college. Reminiscing about the people who have passed through my life for a season and I no longer keep in touch with, and also the ones who remain dear friends whether near or far.
Skimming through highlights of my life from the past seven years is strange--I forget so quickly the struggles, the times of tears, carrying a wounded spirit and a broken heart. And it's just as easy to forget the joys, the bright moments, the times of happiness and fun, and maturing into someone new. My time in college has started to blur together, and I have to remind myself that those three and a half years were a huge turning point in my life.
I went through a lot and came out the other side a better person, stronger, wiser, more sure of who I am in God. I don't want to forget how good God has been to me, how He walked with me as I went through counseling, challenged me to listen to Him over stupid people, called me to return to Him when I'd messed up, and just loved me where I was.
I'm thankful that He never gave up on me, even though I can be so stubborn and have a thick skull to get through. There were times where God pretty much had to beat me over the head repeatedly for me to be like, "Uh, I think you might be trying to tell me something, Lord?" I'm glad He's more stubborn and patient than I am!
The thing I am most thankful for is that I found my voice. I felt like I had no story, no great purpose to my life--I couldn't see how God was working. But looking back now, I can definitely see it. He was there, when I was a super shy freshman, when I went through an unhealthy relationship for two years, when I was figuring out being an artist, when I was juggling working full time and finishing school, and just figuring out how to be an adult. I couldn't see it at the time, being so caught up in the day to day of life.
But I'm starting to see how He has been directing my life, guiding my uncertain steps, leading me towards something good. And now I'm beginning a new chapter in my life. Not just getting married, though that's huge, but also stepping into new opportunities, accepting new challenges, considering new ideas and ways of doing things, and being open to God's leading down new roads. I don't want to let myself get hung up on the past, staying in a rut and not growing as a person. God wants more from me, I can feel it....and I'm willing to follow Him, to be open and willing to grow into a woman after His own heart (whatever that looks like). 

Starting a new business

I finally stopped talking, and took the plunge today, setting up an Etsy shop. I've been batting the idea around for a few years now, never getting to the point where I actually made the effort to put my words into action. It was always something I'd do "someday," or "when I have the time," or whatever. I had plenty of excuses for why NOW was never a good time. It'd come up in conversation, and I'd list out my ideas and plans, brainstorming as I went....but it never led to anything concrete.

I'm really good at making work but not much selling it. I've probably got over 50 paintings and collages sitting in my parents' basement right now (and another dozen or two stalled works-in-progress). I had a full time retail job for four and a half years that sucked away too much of my energy and focus. By the time I'd get home from work, I'd be too tired to do more than poke around in my studio for a bit. I only had time to work in bits and pieces. I was actually pretty productive, but just didn't have the mental energy to focus on setting up my art as a business.

And then last year, I totally fell off the art making wagon. I barely made anything of consequence in 2012. I wasn't feeling very motivated artistically, and it didn't help that my job was taxing my energy levels more and more. You only have so much to go around when you live with chronic health issues. Then, I started dating Colin, which was absolutely life changing...but I had a decision to make. I had to decide where I was going to focus my energy. Art? Or my relationship? I wasn't going to commit to both and then half-ass it. I knew I had to really commit to one and let the other slide (for a time). I chose Colin. Which turned out well:

photo by Steve Coleman

So, we got married in February, and I quit my job right before our wedding. I didn't have a plan for what I would do next, but I knew I couldn't keep working in retail. I didn't have another job lined up, but after talking with Colin at length about it, we decided that would be the best course of action. My knees, legs and feet were hurting all the time. On my days off, I always had to ration my energy and turn down doing anything that was too draining.
When I quit, I suddenly felt amazing. I felt so energetic and alive--it was quite a dramatic change!

After settling into married life, getting our new apartment in order and just adjusting to a new life, I started job hunting. I've been applying to jobs since February, landing a few interviews here and there, but no solid leads. The market is still competitive, especially for the entry level office positions I've been applying for.

In my free time, I've been getting back into making art more regularly again. But living in a one bedroom apartment, I have less art creating space and need to be more intentional about my projects. I've already finished one street art project in the last couple months. It was a simple, small series and didn't take long to make and distribute. I wanted to settle into my next big, long term project, but didn't want to clutter up my apartment with artwork collecting dust. And I was ready to transition away from the assemblages I'd been making since college. I had started feeling like I was just repeating myself; my work didn't feel like it was evolving or going in any new directions. Being without a job and a lot of free time on my hands, I'd been feeling a bit directionless over the last couple months.

And then my older brother sent me over 50 small boards (about 4inx6in) as a wedding present (art materials are always a great gift!). A small germ of an idea started growing, and I realized now would be the perfect time to finally create that Etsy shop. Here was a chance to challenge myself to work in a more simple and pared down style so that I could make paintings with a more affordable price point.

So I've spent the majority of the day setting up my shop and listing items. I feel really confident in what I've done so far. It's time for me to stop saying, "someday" and starting putting my ideas into action.

You can check out my Etsy shop to browse through more pictures of what I have for sale: http://www.etsy.com/shop/AbstractAmbience

A funny thing happened on the way to being an art superstar

Well, well, well, look who's back! Good grief, I can't believe I haven't posted anything on here since last summer! That's what happens, I guess, when you have chronic fatigue, a huge energy suck of a job, and then start seriously dating someone. There really wasn't much of me to spare. I prioritized the things I felt were most important, or that I had to focus on, and just let everything else go for a while. (I've barely made any art worth noting either. A few collages and sketches, but nothing I felt like sharing.)

As my priorities were shifting over the last 8 months, I realized that my idea of what success is has changed. A few years ago, I was willing to sacrifice relationships and a social life to focus on "my art." That was all that mattered to me, especially after I came out of an unhealthy relationship towards the end of college. I would squeeze in as much art making as possible into my days, whether before work for just a few minutes or staying up a few more hours once I got home. My heart had been burned, and I found solace in the quietness of artistic creation. I was content to fill my free time with playing in my art space.

But then along came Colin, and my world was turned on its head. He won my heart, helped me to see that being a successful artist isn't the most worthwhile thing to pursue, and is just generally encouraging me to be a better person. His influence on my life, from his quiet thoughtfulness to the way he calls me out on my issues without realizing it to observing his heart to serve and help others, has been transformative. I'm still amazed that I caught his attention. Colin has been so huge in helping me to see what true success is, and it has nothing to do with selling lots of paintings or creating a popular blog.

This changes everything!

As my life has completely changed over the last month (quit my job, got married, moved out of my parents' home, renting my first apartment and learning what it means to be a wife), it seems like a good time to solidify new priorities and resurrect dormant ideas and projects. Just today, I submitted a book proposal and started seriously exploring and figuring out how to make a line of jewelry I want to create. And I hope to begin posting semi-regularly on here again, though it is strange to realize that my name is actually different now (it's Morley not Preble anymore).

Alternative healthcare

I had my first acupuncture experience today. The cynical, instant gratification side of me wants to label it woo woo quackery, and just go to the doctor and get a bunch of pills to fix things right now (what do you mean, "cumulative effect?" I have to do this more than once for it to do something? That's just...un-American!). But then I remind myself that I thought the exact same thing about chiropractic care before I started getting my back adjusted several years ago.

Looks freaky, but it doesn't hurt at all

And the thing with taking painkillers, it just masks the problem, it doesn't actually resolve the issue. I've come to realize, if my body hurts, there's a reason why it's hurting. Shocking, I know. In our modern society, we're just used to always taking a pill whenever something aches or feels out of the ordinary. Once the pain goes away, we think the problem's solved. In reality, we've just treated the symptom, but not taken care of the root cause.

As someone living with an undiagnosed form of muscular dystrophy, I know how little help regular doctors can be at times. I've ridden the medical merry-go-round of tests and more tests that only told me what I don't have. But that doesn't help me live my everyday life. It's my body, I want to take care of it, and sometimes that means stepping out of the box, moving beyond my preconceived notions and prejudices. I'm not going to go off the deep end and throw all caution to the wind, but I am willing to try something a little unorthodox if it's going to help me be healthier.

Over the last few years, I've incorporated some elements of what's labeled "alternative" healthcare into my life. I see a chiropractor once a month to help maintain good alignment in my back and neck (essential when you're on your feet all day working in retail). Also once a month, I get a nice hour long massage (very relaxing, and helps my muscles from tightening up too much). I took an adapted yoga class for about six months (also super relaxing, and helped me pay attention to maintaining good posture and balance). And I feel really good lately--I haven't been majorly sick in a long time.

But if I get a sinus infection or pneumonia, yes, I'm going to go to the clinic and see my doctor and get antibiotics to take care of it. I'm not going to stop seeking medical care--that's pretty ludicrous in my eyes. But trying these alternative things in addition to regular check-ups has helped me immensely. It just takes a little more patience and self-discipline than popping a few pills.

So now I'm trying out acupuncture. I've heard it can help with chronic pain (it's a low grade ache, but it still sucks) and tinnitus (can you say highly annoying?). The guy I saw is highly certified and was suggested by my excellent massage therapist. I get that it's not a magic bullet, and I'm not going to feel instantly fantastic. It was definitely relaxing though, and you pretty much don't feel the needles at all--they're very tiny. I got an herbal mixture to drink to help with digestion (I've lost some weight over the last six months, which is not good when you're already underweight and weak). So, we'll see how I feel in a few weeks. I'm guessing it's going to help in some way, based on past experiences with other things I was initially highly skeptical of. If it improves my quality of life, I don't really care whether it's Western or Eastern style medicine.

There are certain "alternative" things I will never be convinced to try, however. The Mooncup being one of those (go on, Google it; you know you want to). In this case, I'm very happy to stick with the standard operating procedure on that one.

A complete 180

My natural inclination is towards being an island, never being weak or putting myself in a place to depend or rely on someone to come through for me. So many fears and doubts swirled in me for many years--about relying on people, opening up my heart and risking being hurt, letting others matter and speak into my life...it just seemed so dangerous after having gotten my heart beat up and toyed with over the years. I was angry and dissatisfied and bitter, not just about romantic relationships, but any kind of friendship. I always kept some part of myself in reserve, holding myself at arm's length...just in case. I just expected others to fail, to leave, to not reach out. The other shoe was always just waiting to drop, and I was never surprised when it did, and a friendship would just fizzle out after a couple years. I wasn't pessimistic, I said, just realistic. If you have no expectations, you're not surprised when people fail you. That's why I always held something back--it hurts too much if you let your heart be vulnerable. That's such a risk to let yourself be open to getting hurt like that. I know what it's like to have a shattered heart, sweeping the broken pieces up and trying to put yourself back together. I didn't ever want to feel that way again.

So, I was always a bit aloof, a little removed from those around me, never trying too hard to hang onto any friendship. The only person I thought I could really rely on was myself. I settled into my daily life over the last couple years, a routine of work and making art and reading books and going to church--quite happy and content on my lonesome. I was burned pretty badly from my last relationship and had no desire to seek out dating at all. To me, it just felt like a pointless game. I was content with my friends and family. In 2011 though, God impressed on me that I really needed to make relationships a priority in my life, make an effort to reach out and cultivate friendships, both old and new. I was tired of never truly being myself, never opening all the way. I was done with living in fear of what might happen. I was never fully in the present, in the here and now, because I was still letting the past breath over my shoulder and determine my actions for the future. I had to let go of what has happened, not obsess over what might be, and just dwell in what is. It's so freeing to commit to the present and let go of old fears, trusting God to lead me true.

For 2012, I have the theme, "Be bold," ringing through my heart and mind. God doesn't want me to stay where it's comfortable; He wants me to step out into the unknown and risk a little bit. How can I really have faith if I never rely on God to come through for me, if I always have a back-up plan to rescue myself? I have to let go, step off the cliff, and trust that if God is who He says He is, He's not going to let me crash on the rocks below. I wrote about some of this process recently, and how my heart has healed and opened up again. This past month or so has just blown my socks off. The pessimistic side of me keeps waiting for something bad to happen...but it hasn't.

This has become a season of joy and excitement in my life. New experiences, fresh insight and inspiration, much encouragement and happiness, falling hopelessly in love, getting all mushy and sappy....I have never felt so cherished, treasured and respected in my life. My boyfriend, Colin, just fills me with such joy. He is super sweet and kind and loving, encouraging me in my faith and walk with God, accepting me as I am with all my kookiness and strangeness. He makes me want to be a better person--not because I feel like I need to be perfect, present some kind of facade...but because I am loved and free to open my heart. And he doesn't think he's doing anything special!

I know he's not perfect, and he isn't trying to be. We're both very open about being sinful people in a fallen world. We both know that without Jesus, we're hopeless and lost. But I do know that God has been directing my steps over the last several years, preparing my heart. Everything I've been through--the good and especially the bad--has been leading me here. I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone, shake up my daily routine....risk my heart and be open to love.

It might sound sappy or whatever, but life without real love is pretty lonely. I don't want to be an island.

But I did it my way

Every time someone tells me I can't do something or I have to do such-and-such in a particular way to be successful, I just want to prove them wrong. There's a part of me that exclaims, "Well, why?! Why do I have to do it that way? I'm going to do it how I want-and work harder at it-just to prove you wrong!" That side of me gets such a thrill out of doing things differently and making it work out anyways.

I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.

It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.

For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.

I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.

Back to the future

A little over four years ago, the future I'd been planning was completely destroyed. All my plans and intentions went up in smoke. For a good two years, I'd been going along with a particular idea of how things were going to unroll in my life....and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm so glad it did. Though at the time, it really sucked going through it.

March 2008: I broke up with my cheating ex, cut off all my hair, and went on a spring break road trip to New Mexico and Utah. It was the perfect way to process a break up--just miles of open road and the time to reflect and decompress. I had almost two weeks of quiet and peace, time to think and let go, finding some solace and healing out in the grandeur of the West. You really can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over you when you're sitting on the edge of a cliff, with nothing but the sound of wind in your ears, and no sign of civilization for miles and miles.

I felt as if I had lost sight of God, and he'd stripped away everything that I'd been leaning on or distracting myself with to get me to look at Him again. I couldn't use homework or checking Facebook or talking on the phone or doing busywork...nothing....there were no distractions. I came face-to-face with who I really was out there. There was nothing I could do--I had to just be. It was just me, and the wind, and harsh beauty of the land...and God. Speaking to me in a still small voice that I'd been tuning out for a while.

One of my friends joked later that I had gone on a vision quest, and I couldn't really disagree. I had a couple unusual encounters along the way that reminded me that God was still there for me (maybe I'll share them someday). I went on a few hikes by myself, and the utter quiet I experienced out in that wilderness didn't leave when I came back to Minnesota. That sense of peace, so lonely yet comforting, so weighty yet freeing, settled in my heart and has never left. It's impossible to adequately convey the way I felt the presence of God out in the desert, but I was changed in a very deep way that I can't really describe.  It was just what I needed at the time. It was as if God was telling me, "Everything will be okay, Elisabeth. Your problems aren't as big as you think. Let Me comfort and heal your bruised heart."

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

But then I had to come back home again. Back to school, back to my friends and family, back to every day life. But I didn't know who I was anymore. So much of myself, who I was, had gotten wrapped up in this one person, this one relationship, this one idea of how my life was going to go. I had to redefine myself. I realized that I'd been basing my identity and worth as a person on another human being. I mean, it wasn't like I had no sense of self, but I hadn't realized until that trip how much I'd changed who I was just to please my ex. That was a very healthy and needed thing to go through...but then I was faced with the fact that I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life next.

Everything that I'd been thinking and planning for about two years had been pointed towards getting married and moving to Maryland and having this whole life out east. That all disappeared, and I had to find my footing again. It was like all these ties had been cut, and I was suddenly free....with no direction or leading.

And as healing and comforting as my road trip had been, there were still areas that really hurt. I shut down some parts of my heart, because I just felt like a fool and an idiot. I should have known better! I was like, "Guys--who needs 'em? Pffft."

And I went on with finishing up that school year, having fun with my friends, working on art, renewing my relationship with God. Over the next couple years, I moved back home, revitalized my connections with my family, got a job at Half Price, graduated college, bought a car, worked on building some artistic notoriety, just living life. But I didn't really think too hard about what might come next, I just took life as it came. "Why make long term plans when it might blow up in your face?" a part of me asked. And no way was I interested in dating. It still stung if I thought about it too much. I just decided I would happily be single the rest of my life and that was that.

But I didn't want to stay in a holding pattern, settling into a rut. Not only in daily living and work, I also realized I needed to make my faith a priority and not half-ass it. I begrudgingly decided to look for a church, but I wasn't going to like it. I knew God wanted me to get plugged in somewhere, but I wasn't too enthused about the prospect. I'd listened to Mark Driscoll sermons off and on throughout college, but I really started listening to them, actually trying to apply what I was hearing and learning. And one thing he really emphasizes is being in community with other Christians. Like, all the time, in practically every message I heard. I finally was like, "Fine. Fine! Okay, I will look for a church. But I'm not too excited about this, God. And if I don't like it, I'm not going back." I looked online to see if there were any Acts 29 churches in Minneapolis, kinda hoping there wasn't so I could make more excuses. There are four. And they are all close-ish to where I live. There was even one like ten minutes away. Crap. I wasn't going to get out of this so easy.

So I went to Antioch Community Church....and loved it. The people were (and are) awesome. I got connected with a community group. I've made friends, not just interacted with people who only talk to me on Sunday. I feel like I've found my place. And God's really been working on my heart the last six months or so, reminding me not to hold back in fear, to be open to new possibilities, to look to Him for guidance and not going back to my old way of living and thinking. He doesn't want me to keep my heart shut, because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't, and don't want to, live life that way.

I've been thinking recently of how God spoke to my heart in the desert when I was bruised and hurting. He gave me peace and reassurance when I had none and felt so empty. I had nothing to give, but God met me where I was at and didn't let me wallow and have a pity party. He reminded me that everything else can fall away, but He will always be there. I can be completely alone, yet He will never leave  me. I am His and will never be forsaken, though I may stumble through darkness and doubt. I have nothing to offer, yet He is happy to give everything and fill me with hope and grace and love.

And I've reflected on how God's been speaking to me over the last four years as I've matured and realigned myself with Him. He's been teaching me to tune my heart to his voice, however He chooses to speak with me--from a penny on the ground to a book coming along just when I need to read what it says to a sunny day spent with friends to the messages I hear at church. I don't get to choose how God works, I just have to be open and expectant for Him to come through for me.

And now....something new and completely unexpected has come my way. I wasn't looking or searching for it. I wasn't praying about it. I was just going about my life, and now this. There's this guy...and he's pretty awesome. And he thinks I'm kinda awesome too. It's like finding a little seedling popping up from the ground in spring where you didn't know anything was even planted. The future is all up in the air again. I have no idea what the future holds. And I have never been happier about uncertainty in my life.

I am so excited to see what's going to happen next....

Rid of my disgrace

Oh, man, talk about spiritual attack Tuesday. I was originally planning to write something chipper and upbeat ....but I have been feeling pretty weighted down today. Emotions, thoughts and feelings that haven't surfaced in a long while have all reared their heads. It's a bit overwhelming to be honest. Every time I think I'm done with stuff from my past, that I've overcome it all and will never have to think about it again....I get my knees kicked out from under me, and I'm flat on my back...again. And it's easier to stay down than fight my way back up for the umpteenth time, because there's just so much to face and it takes so much work.

In the past when something like today would happen, I'd feel completely off kilter for days. Just not being able to shake it off, feeling like I was drowning under all the old accusations and helplessness. I would get in a funk, because I'd listen to those things instead of pushing back. At the time, I didn't know how to fight back and win. It just felt like it was futile, because I believed what was running through my head was true.

"You're worthless. Disgusting. Nothing will ever change. You're unloved, unwanted, something to be used and discarded....If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't feel this way, struggle this much....You're dirty, defiled, garbage....This is all your fault....No one else could possibly understand, and if you told anyone, they would be disgusted by you. Who would want to be your friend, if they truly knew you? You can't trust anyone. You will always be alone."

And on it would go. I'd just want to curl up under the covers and hope that it would all go away. It was all so heavy and dark.....and it felt like I was choking on fear and shame. I thought all of that was flowing out of my own heart.

Now the thing you should notice, what I wrote above are all you statements. I never caught on to this. Who ever really addresses themselves in the second person? I would go from, "I feel sad and ashamed," to, "You're shameful and pathetic." The first is an appropriate response to sexual abuse, but the second is not. It goes from "I was sinned against," to, "It's all your fault." You want help and healing, but think you don't deserve it because you begin to believe you brought it on yourself somehow. These malicious thoughts come into your mind and you just accept them, never even considering that they're not from you.

So, today--well, actually starting last night when I went to bed, I was feeling the weight of some past regrets. Things I shouldn't have done, words I should have said instead, and compromises I made to my standards and convictions. I was thanking God for forgiving and redeeming my sin, wiping away my tears, creating a new heart and a new mind in me. But all of sudden, I was just slammed with these accusatory phrases. And I started wallowing, getting pulled completely off track. I went from, "That is who I once was--I'm truly repentant over the things I did wrong, God, and thank you for forgiving me and not choosing to hold my sin against me. I regret this and am feeling the weight of the wrong, but I know you love me," to, "You're a horrible person and always will be. You are undeserving of love. You haven't changed and never will." And shame started wrapping itself around me.

But. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. And I realized that this wasn't coming from me. So, I did something that I didn't know how to do before when I was younger: I fought back the right way. "God, this isn't me and it's not how you see me. You have freed me from shame, from disgrace, from guilt. Yes, that's how I once felt, but that's not truth. This isn't true. You know who I truly am. Remind me of my identity in you and your love and grace. I am not alone--you are with me, and I have people I can turn to. I am loved. I will not give into shame and hide away. I am renewed, redeemed, beloved by you, God. I'm facing this and I know it's not me." (This video says it even better.)

And after a few minutes of praying, it was like a switch got flipped and those thoughts were gone from my head. Wow. It worked. And I slept through the night without a single bad dream (I've been having those lately).

This morning, those feelings came rushing back again, which isn't surprising. I've been confronting and praying against them through the day. I was looking at my tattoo earlier to remind myself that God is always there for me, even when the darkness comes. God's been reminding me today that my emotions don't define my faith and life. No matter what I'm currently feeling or remembering, God is good and He will never leave me bereft and broken. I'm not the same person I once was, because of His grace and mercy and love. I'm not bound to old ways of thinking and feeling.

This is me now. I don't care that it's kind of a crappy sketch, it illustrates perfectly who I am in Jesus.

A very good birthday

It was my birthday this past Saturday. It's kinda weird to think I'm 25 now. When I was in my teens, I thought I'd have my life all figured out by the time I was 22.....three years later, and I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up!

But this post is not about existential musing and pondering. I want to share about what a great week I had and how glad I am that I got to relax and spend time with my family (even though I see them all the time since I live at home...). I feel like I can be too "down" and serious on here at times, so I'm going to focus on all the good stuff I did the last seven days. :)

As an aside, I can nitpick about the things I don't like about work, but one of the things I appreciate a lot about Half Price is vacation days accrue and roll over from year to year. So, I've got a decent amount saved up and decided to just take a week off before it gets really crazy (besides the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, June-September is our busy time of year). And everyone at work wants to take a vacation during the warm months to enjoy a little bit of summer. I didn't have to fight anyone to take a week off at the end of March. And I didn't feel as bad about being gone, because stuff wasn't piling up quite as bad as it will be in the middle of July.

Originally I was planning to buckle down and work hard core on art every day....but that didn't really end up happening. I did get some art making in, but I mostly just read, ran errands that had been piling up and drove around to various fun activities.

Monday, I read most of the day and then went to my weekly yoga class in the evening.

Tuesday is my regular day off, because I volunteer that day in the afternoon with Free Arts MN at Earl Brown Elementary doing art projects with kindergartners. That's always a highlight of my week. You can be feeling like crap when you walk in there, but by the time it's done, you feel amazing. The kids just run in and give hugs and high fives and just love that you're there to make art with them. We can do what I think is a simple project and they'll absolutely love it. It's a good reminder for me to enjoy the little things in life.

In the evening, I had my church community group over at my house for dinner. Everyone brought a dish to share, and we just hung out, ate and talked for two hours. The most interesting item that someone brought was a bag of oranges.

Wednesday was a pretty full day: In the morning I met with one of my pastors and another person from my church at Wilde Roast Cafe for my membership interview. It's not like a job interview, but just to check that you're not some wing-nut whack job or something. It's a good way for the pastors to get to know new people better, hear their stories and learn what people's passions and interests are. Also, Wilde Roast is awesome--they have the best chai tea I've ever tasted.

After my interview, I had to book it over to Juut Salon Spa in Roseville. A friend from church with curly hair that always looks great gets her hair cut there, so I thought I'd check it out. I've never actually been to a salon before, so I was a little leery. But it was awesome! The guy who did my hair loves curly hair and actually knows how to cut it properly. We had a great conversation about tattoos, hair, and other random topics. He was super cool and just really nice--he did not give me crap at all about the fact that I don't get my hair cut every six weeks or whatever. He just kept gushing about how gorgeous my hair is and that he wants to be the only one to cut my hair from now on. It's always nice to be genuinely complimented. :) And he styled my hair really nice, because I was going to go renew my driver's license after my appointment. Now that's good service! I definitely felt fantastic when I walked into the DMV later.

Thursday, I went over to Beloved to chat with one of my tattoo artists for a little bit and check out the art in their gallery. I continued the art trend that night when my Mom, Andrew and I went to the Walker to see their current exhibit, Likelike. (fyi, the Walker is free on Thursdays after 5pm) We took a detour to the Wedge co-op for dessert afterwards. I pretty much only ever buy snacks and junk food there!

Friday was another day of driving around: From St. Louis Park to have my leg braces adjusted, to New Hope to get my tires rotated, then home. Later, my Mom took Andrew and I downtown Minneapolis to Macy's flower show. It's starting to become a tradition, because the show always falls right around my birthday. We ooh and ahh over the flowers, wandering through the beautiful colors and taking in all the wonderful smells, then head downstairs to the candy counter. Yes, an old fashioned candy counter where you can buy treats in bulk or individually. They sell really good chocolate, and something is always on sale when we're there. I'm actually savoring one of my birthday truffles right now! :)

Saturday started out with a wonderful surprise: My Dad handed me an envelope and wished me a happy birthday. Inside were two tickets to see Celtic Woman on Sunday night!! I absolutely love their music and have been saying for years that I would really like to see them live. I was completely floored--I had absolutely no clue they were in town and never would have guessed that my parents would buy me tickets to see them! I'm not one to overly display my emotions, but I was over the moon! I couldn't wait for Sunday night to come, that's for sure!

But I also had some fun things planned for Saturday too: My Mom and I went shopping together, which I always enjoy getting to hang out with her one-on-one. In the evening, Leah, Andrew and I went to the Brave New Workshop to see The Danger Committee's latest show, Love and Other Painful Mistakes. They perform at the MN Ren Fest as well and are my favorite act to see there. To describe, it doesn't sound that cool, but they're awesome.

Juggling, knife throwing, comedy, potential disaster. What more could you want?

After their show, the guys answered the audience's questions, and it was just really cool to hear some of the things that go on behind the scenes. We were also able to catch some free improv just upstairs too. I definitely got my money's worth for an evening full of entertainment. I haven't laughed that hard since I watched A Very Potter musical with my friend, Holly--which means I almost peed my pants.

So, Sunday--church in the morning, which is always a treat. Then off to a baby shower for my cousin's wife who's due in May. It was great to hang out with some fun relatives and coo over cute baby things.
And then, after dressing up a little, because why not?....my Dad whisked me off to Celtic Woman.

I love Celtic music--I adore these ladies' singing.

And it was absolutely magical. I really can't describe it, I enjoyed it so much. I loved everything--the set, the lights, the gorgeous dresses, the dancing...but their voices...WOW. It's one thing to listen to them on TV or online, but in person it's absolutely phenomenal! My Dad and I were both grinning and just had a great time. Words just can't do justice to how I felt and how much I loved it and getting to share the experience with my Dad. I felt treasured and blessed and loved and celebrated. It was the perfect gift and will be a very treasured memory. So, yeah, my Dad is awesome (he even dressed up, because he knew I'd appreciate it). And my Mom had a hand in it too, because she sounded me out without me even remembering that she'd asked. It was the perfect finish to my birthday week.

Ripples

Little actions can have big ripple effects. This is something that came to mind today. An off-hand comment, a smile instead of a frown, listening instead of jumping in to speak. It's the small things that we don't even recall that  can have the most impact on others.

I gave a dandelion to a little boy at church once, and apparently it made it his day. I don't even remember doing that, but my Mom mentioned it to me years later that he just thought that was awesome. He said he wanted to be kind like that too when he was older.

When I was little, I once punched a boy at church and shoved him so he fell on the floor and hit his head. All I remember is that we didn't like each other, and I thought he was a little snot. I was quite the firebrand as a kid. And after that, he was even meaner (hmmm, I wonder why?).

There is so much I don't remember about my life (and I'm not even 25 yet). How many people have I treated like the first boy? And how many more like the second? It's a lot easier from me to give in to being mean than taking that higher road of kindness. And it's not always in what I do...my thoughts can be so condemning and critical, cutting down the people unawares around me. That affects how I view them and subsequently treat them. Do I see that person as an annoyance, a bother, something to deal with as quickly as possible so I can get back to what I really want to be doing? Or do I remember that God loves them exactly as He loves me? I'm no better in God's eyes than the shabby homeless guy that comes into my store for a hot cup of coffee. He loves us the same. That's a humbling reminder. We're all on the same level before God.

It's so easy to live inside my own head, viewing the world in relation to how I feel, what I want, what I think. Looking at people as something to be used, to meet my needs. If someone annoys me or gets on my nerves, they're inconveniencing me. It's all about me, and it doesn't matter who they are or what they're going through.
And it's especially easy to reduce people to this working in retail. They're a transaction to ring through, not a person. The little bothers here and there build up, and in my eyes, everyone that walks through the door is a moron, giving me justification to look down on them. I'm so much smarter, more observant, more understanding, whatever. And those little opportunities that arise for a small kindness are spurned.

It's not about customer service, fulfilling my job duties at Half Price, it's about having a servant's heart like Jesus, living out my faith when push comes to shove in the daily grind. The strength of my faith isn't forged in the momentous occasions--it's one small thought and action after another that builds into a life that's truly great. And I fail so often in this.

It's easy to be Christian when people are watching and I'm in the spotlight. Ooh, look at me serving in the homeless shelter, volunteering at the elementary school, sharing my testimony at small group. But what about when there's no around, like when it's that really annoying old lady who won't shut up and I just don't want to smile at her? Or I'm tempted to slack off at work because I feel like it doesn't really matter?

God tells me to do everything for Him, even the seemingly stupid and mundane things. Because I don't know how He's using me or when He's speaking through me. God likes to speak in a still, small voice at times, using the most unlikely mouths to proclaim His Truth to the most unlikely people. He knows the ultimate path a single kind word can travel down or what is wrought by a small act of kindness.

I so want to remember this, not at the end of day when I'm musing online, but in the moment when I need to act. And that it would come from the natural overflow of a loving heart and not just because I'm "supposed to" act that way. Because that's just empty religiosity and nobody needs that.

The wonder of lunch at Kikugawa

This past Sunday afternoon I went out to lunch with a friend from church at Kikugawa, a Japanese restaurant in Northeast Minneapolis. I've walked and driven by it many times on my way to the Wilde Roast Cafe (one of my favorite restaurants) next door. Every time I've seen the paper lanterns softly glowing in the windows, I've made a mental note to stop in there...sometime. I just don't like going out to eat by myself, especially if it's a new place, because it's a lot more fun to share that experience with someone else. If it's a good meal, you have that shared joy of discovering a new treasured place to eat. If it's bad, you have someone to commiserate with and laugh about it later. Anyways, it's been at the back of my mind to go there for a while.

I loved it, and not just because the food was delicious. I will admit I am easily pleased, so it doesn't take much to make me happy. And I've also never eaten at a Japanese restaurant before. But from the tasty udon to the view to the quiet music, it was kind of magical. It may sound silly, but it felt like I stepped into a Miyazaki movie.

Maybe the more jaded of you might think I'm far too juvenile, to find enjoyment in things like the banners hanging over the entrance of the restaurant and the classical Japanese music softly playing in the background. It was just after noon when we got there, so there really weren't too many other people there. A couple was seated several tables away, and there was a small group further inside celebrating someone's birthday, but that was about it. My friend and I just talked and looked out over the river, the occasional jogger going by, actually managing to eat most of our food with chopsticks. It was the best kind of solitude, if that makes sense.

I don't know, I find something fantastical about experiences like this. I tend to see magic and wonder in the so called "little things." I just get a lot of joy from something as simple as sharing a tasty meal with good company. I enjoy mountaintops and sweeping vistas just as much as the next person, but there's a quiet thrill in discovering new places right near where I live. Things like finally checking out a new store that I've been driving by every day for the past two months to discover they have very cute and affordable clothes; or taking a different route home just to see what's down a different street; just shaking myself out of my routine and forcing myself to look at the world around me with fresh eyes.

I like to think of it as being a tourist in my own city. When you're from out of town, everything is exciting and worth investigating. "What's that place? Why is that big sign there? What's over here? Let's go down these steps or walk across this bridge." It's easy to drive by something all the time and just not see it anymore. Or telling yourself, "Oh, I'll get there someday sometime, just not today."

If I see something interesting and I don't really have anything on my agenda, I'll stop, just to say I checked it out. The worst that could happen is that it's not really that neat, but it only took five minutes or whatever out of my day--no big loss. However, if it's awesome, then I have a discovery to share! That's how I found my favorite places to get chai tea, the perfect sandwich, good quality shoes, excellent bread, and now Japanese food: I took the time to explore simply because it's fun and you never know what you might discover.

Faithfulness

This morning at church, my pastor was continuing a series on generosity. The main Bible passage that he was expounding on was Luke 12: 35-48 (which I will share here so you don't have to look it up on Google):

"Stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them. If he comes in the second watch, or in the third, and finds them awake, blessed are those servants! But know this, that if the master of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have left his house to be broken into. You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour your do not expect.

Peter said, "Lord, are you telling this parable for us or for all?" And the Lord said, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find doing so when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant says to himself, 'My master is delayed in coming,' and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and get drunk, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know, and will cut him in pieces and put him with the unfaithful. And that servant who knew his master's will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

I normally don't feel the need to recap sermons from church and blog about them, but something from the message really stuck out to me today. I know it's a lot of verses to think about at once, but you need to know the context for the one that spoke to me. The gist of this whole passage is that Jesus is talking about the faithfulness of those who say they follow him. He is the master, I am the steward. Jesus mentions four kinds of servants: the first is faithful and responsible; the second one acts like there is no master and believes that what he has been put in charge of is his, dominating others and being a glutton, living only for instant gratification; the third servant knows what the master wants and just doesn't do it; the fourth doesn't know the master's will and does wrong. Each receives an appropriate reward or consequence for their behavior.

(As an aside, it's not religious behavior, going through the motions just to get the cookie or gold star that I'm writing about here. Jesus never mentions that. As my pastor pointed out, Jesus is talking about faithfulness. What the servants know of the master and how they respond is the point. We are saved by faith not empty works. I can't do anything to save myself or make God love me more. I want to be a faithful servant not because doing so will get me into Heaven, but because I'm already loved and my behavior overflows from a thankful and joyful heart.)

The verse I highlighted is the one that won't get out of my mind. It's very sobering, and reminds me that talk is cheap and easy. Action is much harder and requires following through on what I say I believe. The outright hedonism of the second servant is easy to condemn and the punishment is just--I know that I'm not my own master, and that God has entrusted me with many resources that I need to manage wisely. So I'm not the fourth servant either--I know God's will (in this area at least). So that means I'm either the faithful steward...or the defiant one. Do I know what God wants and desires for me to do and carry it out faithfully, even when it's hard....or do I just give Jesus the middle finger and go about my own business, knowing full well that it's not what I really should be doing? I'm still a Christian, redeemed by Jesus, saved from Hell....but when I get to Heaven, I really don't want to hear, "You could have done so much more with what I gave you." Or even worse, "Why were you so faithless?"

Sitting in church, I was very convicted with the realization that I'm the I-know-but-I-don't-care servant. I say I love Jesus and go to church and read my Bible and blah blah blah. I can have all the Bible knowledge in the world, but it doesn't mean squat if I'm not doing anything about it. Theology doesn't mean anything if it's only filling my head and not my heart. If my day-to-day behavior isn't reflecting what I say I believe, then I don't really believe what I say. And you can quote me on that. (Especially if it's right after I've just done something blatantly wrong; it's good for me to eat humble pie, particularly if it's my own words coming back at me.)

In talking about faithfulness in generosity, people tend to think of money first and foremost. It's easy to write a check and feel like I've contributed to something. I can say I'm pretty generous with my monetary resources--I regularly give funds to missionaries, charitable organizations, my church, to those in need. It really doesn't take that much effort. There is more to generosity than that. Money, sure. But what about giving of my talents? Okay, volunteering, teaching, sharing my art knowledge. Yeah, it takes a little bit of effort. Now what about giving my time? Not just volunteering, actively doing something I choose, but building friendships, deep relationships, giving of myself, sacrificing comfort and ease to be face-to-face with someone else and being real. Sacrificing "me time." Oooh, now that's a lot harder. It's easy to do something without engaging my heart.

But God calls me to love. And love is many things: patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, not always insisting that things go my way, not irritable or resentful, not rejoicing when things go wrong for others. Love endures through trial and perseveres, not giving up simply because it's not convenient or a little too much work. (paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Damn. Being a follower of Jesus is hard.

I know what's what. So the question is what am I going to do with that knowledge? Faithfulness...or defiance?

Grad school a no go (for now)

I got an e-mail the other day informing me I wasn't accepted into the graduate program at the University of MN. I'm a bit bummed out, but not too surprised. I know they got over 100 applications...for 8 spots. That's about 1 person accepted per discipline area. So, no grad school this year, but I'm trying to figure out what I should do next.

I like my job, but it's not a career track job for me. I'm itching lately to do....something, I don't know what. I just know I can't lose my drive and settle into a rut. If I don't push out of my comfort zone, I'll just stay there and not do anything of worth with myself. I'm just trying to figure out what I should do! I do know that I want to take another vacation this year. I hadn't taken a major one in three years until my road trip with my sisters last summer. Elisabeth is a lot happier when she's had some time off to relax and see the world.

The funny thing is, when I was younger I thought I'd have my life all figured out by the time I was 22....I'm going to be 25 in March, and I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up. I just assumed I'd be married and have kids by now. Apparently, God's plan is a little different than mine!

I'm trying to enjoy each day as it comes my way, but also plan for my future. I want to enjoy the present and be smart about the road ahead. I just don't know what my next step should be right now. Hey, God, how about some flaming letters on the wall telling me what to do? That'd be nice.

The Elephant Room Round 2: Church

I shared my initial impression about the Elephant Room Round 2 last week, and have had time to mull over the things that stuck out to me. I jotted down some pithy insights and great one liners from all the pastors that attended. I'm going to devote a blog to each quote and how it impacted me.

A bit of a caveat before I begin: I'm not going to nitpick or criticize--that has been done to death enough elsewhere on the interwebs. I don't need to pick at so-called theological fallacies or whatever. I'm going to focus on the positive and edifying things I learned and leave the negativity to others. Sure, I didn't agree with everything everyone said, but I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. My goal is to expound on the truths that spoke to me personally. I stick with a micro focus on this blog, not a macro one. Write what you know, right? I know me and my heart and that's what I feel qualified to pontificate about. Anyways.

Pastor Jack Graham

Jack Graham caught me with this line during the first discussion about denominations:

"Most people don't show up looking for the Baptist church, the Methodist church. They show up looking for the Jesus church."

I feel like this hits squarely on the head something that has bothered me over the years. The argument over denominations and which one is "better" is a family issue. In that I mean, if you're not a Christian, it seems silly and can be rather confusing. To someone who's not a believer, Baptists and Lutherans look pretty much the same; telling them that one is better than the other is like telling a non-sports fan that the Vikings are better than the Packers. "They both wear spandex and play football. The only difference to me is one wears green and yellow and the other purple and yellow." If you're not part of the club, you just don't care. It's trying to teach someone Calculus before they've mastered Algebra. If the basics aren't covered, how on earth are you supposed to grasp consecutive issues?

And the debate about denominations shouldn't be the point. You don't invite someone to become an Episcopalian. Or accept Luther into their heart. Or pray to Calvin. To re-word what Graham said, people come to church looking for Jesus not theologians. First and foremost, church should be about Jesus. His love, his sacrifice for our sins, his death and resurrection. He is Lord, God, Savior, Healer, Comforter...Friend. Jesus said Christians are supposed to be known by our love. Not our debates. Not our theological differences. Not name calling and questioning others' faith. That at the end of the day, the body of Christ, the church, can lay aside our differences and be a family. In a family, you don't necessarily like each other all the time, you might snap and quarrel with each other....but underneath the temporary flared emotions, you are bound together and truly love each other. Just because one of my sisters says something I don't agree with doesn't mean she's not part of the family. I don't question whether my brother is truly related to me if he does something I wouldn't do. (I know that metaphor only goes so far, but if someone says they believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and are working to live out their faith, there's room for disagreement on open handed issues)

My best friend is Lutheran and I lean towards Baptist, I guess, though I was raised in a non-denominational church. We both call ourselves Christian and love Jesus. If we're going to talk about our faith to a non-believer, Jesus and his love gets top billing. Just writing this post has been a good reminder for me to keep my focus on Jesus first and not secondary, lesser issues.

Learning to walk again

I mentioned last week about my new leg braces. I forgot how long it takes to get used to them. I got my first set of Ankle Foot Orthotics (AFOs) when I was 17, so it's been about seven years of me using them pretty much every day. I didn't realize how much of the way I walk has been changed by wearing them. With the new carbon fiber AFOs, I've actually had to re-learn how to walk.

The white plastic ones give support at the back of the leg and completely envelop the calf. There's not much flexibility, it's like a pillar--it supports weight and offers stability. With the carbon fiber AFOs, the support is from the front and runs down the side of my foot. My calf muscles can flex and move more naturally as I walk, but my ankles are still supported so my feet don't drop and drag. The new AFOs are thinner and weigh less, so I feel like my legs are floating as I lift my feet. I actually have to think about walking naturally, because I haven't in so long. It's been throwing me off a bit this week, because it should be something I don't have to think about. My legs have to adjust to something completely different than what I've been doing for seven years. In a few weeks, I'm sure I'll have completely adjusted and acclimated, but in the interim it definitely feels like I'm a little toddler finding my balance. I mean, when was the last time you had to really think about putting one foot in front of the other? Or stand up from sitting? Or walk up and down stairs? It's just weird. And amazing at the same time.

I almost started crying when I was walking up and down the hall at the Orthotics office last week. You have no idea how fantastic it felt! I really can't describe what it's like to go from having your legs wrapped in clunky plastic to something that lets your leg move in a more natural way. I feel less disabled in a way, even though my symptoms haven't changed a bit. I feel more like a normal person again, because I can actually walk more naturally. I wish that these were the leg braces I'd started out with seven years ago, because I know I would have had a lot fewer problems with them. But unfortunately, the advances and testing just hadn't been made quite yet. Even switching from the braces being white to black, for some reason, seems better. I don't know why. Maybe the white just speaks more to me of medical issues and sickness and doctors and hospitals, whereas the black looks more like something you'd wear if you got an injury playing sports or something. There's a lot less brace all over my legs, which just makes me feel less handicapped and weighted down. I'm still not going to be jogging up and down stairs, but I just feel like less of a gimp now.

Promises, promises

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6 (NIV)

Another version says, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?" This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a while, and I just need to write/kvetch/ramble about it.

I tend to have fairly low expectations of people in general. I've learned through hard experience to not expect much from others. I don't see it as being cynical so much as realistic. I assume that the majority of what people say they'll do they won't actually follow through on. I run into an old college acquaintance from time to time and he always says something to the effect of, "We should get coffee sometime and catch up." I'm not holding my breath waiting for that. I've figured out that it's his passive aggressive Minnesotan way of trying to save face. I just want to say, "You know what? Just say 'See you around,' and leave it at that. Don't pretend to be excited to see me if you're not. Just be yourself and quit being a fake." If you don't like someone or have no intention of furthering your interactions beyond pleasantries, just leave it at that--don't make trite promises. The more you spout empty platitudes, the less people respect you.  "Let your no be no, and your yes be yes." Know what I'm saying?

I've met far too many people who promise too much too lightly. Relationships aren't built in a day or merely on a Facebook friend request. Don't tell me we're going to get together to do this or that every time I see you--just do it. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan, and actually follow through on it. If you initiate, don't leave me hanging. If you want to get together, it's on you to suggest something. Being evasive or indecisive ("Oh, I don't care, I'm fine with wherever you want to go") is not being polite, it's annoying, passive aggressive and ticks me off. If someone comes to me and says, "Hey, are you free next Thursday? I'd really like to get together with you. How about the Dunn Bros by my house?" That day might not work for me, but it shows that you're serious about furthering our friendship.

Talk is cheap and easy, action takes some effort. Especially at the beginning of getting to know someone, there's a lot of work involved up front. You have to establish some foundation to build your friendship on. It's easy when you see that person all the time at school or work, you kind of have to interact. And then it's easy to think you have more of a friendship than you really do. Once the class is over, or you get a different job, that's when you find out how serious someone is about staying in touch.

I don't expect or want every interaction I have with people to turn into something more. I hold to cultivating quality relationships over juggling a large quantity of people I kind of know. I don't and can't pretend that I'm best buds with everyone I come into semi-regular contact with. I genuinely don't like some people, and that's okay. I enjoy being around others that I know our interactions will never go beyond banter and pleasantries, and that's okay too. There are friends I have known for years that I don't get to see very often, and that's okay as well. And there are those people I just click with that I will still know when we're old and gray. So, there are different levels of friendship, not everyone is going to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR. It actually took me awhile to accept that too. I've realized that I can't be bosom buddies with everyone and that it's actually better if I only have a handful of really close friends. I don't have to strive to make a deep connection with everyone I meet. That's too exhausting and spreads myself too thin. I need to figure out who's worth investing in and to what degree.

If I say I want to get together with someone to get to know them, I genuinely mean it. It's not just something I say to finish a conversation. I long for real relationships in this shallow, "Well, I have 2,000 Facebook friends," culture that we live in. It's a constant struggle to be real though; it's kind of scary to be vulnerable and leave yourself open to the possibility of getting rejected and hurt. So much of my time is spent masking who I am and presenting a facade of pleasantness (hello, retail!). That's part of my job--you leave your personal problems at home and give good customer service. You need to be pleasant and hold your tongue, which is to be expected in that environment. I don't want to hear customers' sob stories and they don't need to hear mine. However, it's hard to turn that mindset off and engage with people in other social settings. I find myself slipping into retail mode and talking about the weather when it's okay to go a little deeper. It's easy and safer, but it's empty. You're just filling the silence instead of actually saying anything of substance.

At the end of the day, I don't want my mouth to say something completely different from what I do. I'm not going to promise things that I have no intention of doing. That way, when I do say "let's hang out," people will know that I'm serious. I'm not going to accept Facebook friend requests from people I don't want to keep in touch with. And I will delete people off my friends list who I don't actually interact with anymore. And that's not being mean, it's choosing to not perpetuate a false sense of intimacy. I prefer genuine and real over Minnesota "nice" any day.