Collage 2

Same collage, two different color choices. Sometimes I just like to see if the composition holds up if I take the colors away. Color can distract from poor layout. I actually like both of these a lot--the colored one for the bright popping hues, and the sepia one just has a completely different feel even though it's the same image.

Alternative healthcare

I had my first acupuncture experience today. The cynical, instant gratification side of me wants to label it woo woo quackery, and just go to the doctor and get a bunch of pills to fix things right now (what do you mean, "cumulative effect?" I have to do this more than once for it to do something? That's just...un-American!). But then I remind myself that I thought the exact same thing about chiropractic care before I started getting my back adjusted several years ago.

Looks freaky, but it doesn't hurt at all

And the thing with taking painkillers, it just masks the problem, it doesn't actually resolve the issue. I've come to realize, if my body hurts, there's a reason why it's hurting. Shocking, I know. In our modern society, we're just used to always taking a pill whenever something aches or feels out of the ordinary. Once the pain goes away, we think the problem's solved. In reality, we've just treated the symptom, but not taken care of the root cause.

As someone living with an undiagnosed form of muscular dystrophy, I know how little help regular doctors can be at times. I've ridden the medical merry-go-round of tests and more tests that only told me what I don't have. But that doesn't help me live my everyday life. It's my body, I want to take care of it, and sometimes that means stepping out of the box, moving beyond my preconceived notions and prejudices. I'm not going to go off the deep end and throw all caution to the wind, but I am willing to try something a little unorthodox if it's going to help me be healthier.

Over the last few years, I've incorporated some elements of what's labeled "alternative" healthcare into my life. I see a chiropractor once a month to help maintain good alignment in my back and neck (essential when you're on your feet all day working in retail). Also once a month, I get a nice hour long massage (very relaxing, and helps my muscles from tightening up too much). I took an adapted yoga class for about six months (also super relaxing, and helped me pay attention to maintaining good posture and balance). And I feel really good lately--I haven't been majorly sick in a long time.

But if I get a sinus infection or pneumonia, yes, I'm going to go to the clinic and see my doctor and get antibiotics to take care of it. I'm not going to stop seeking medical care--that's pretty ludicrous in my eyes. But trying these alternative things in addition to regular check-ups has helped me immensely. It just takes a little more patience and self-discipline than popping a few pills.

So now I'm trying out acupuncture. I've heard it can help with chronic pain (it's a low grade ache, but it still sucks) and tinnitus (can you say highly annoying?). The guy I saw is highly certified and was suggested by my excellent massage therapist. I get that it's not a magic bullet, and I'm not going to feel instantly fantastic. It was definitely relaxing though, and you pretty much don't feel the needles at all--they're very tiny. I got an herbal mixture to drink to help with digestion (I've lost some weight over the last six months, which is not good when you're already underweight and weak). So, we'll see how I feel in a few weeks. I'm guessing it's going to help in some way, based on past experiences with other things I was initially highly skeptical of. If it improves my quality of life, I don't really care whether it's Western or Eastern style medicine.

There are certain "alternative" things I will never be convinced to try, however. The Mooncup being one of those (go on, Google it; you know you want to). In this case, I'm very happy to stick with the standard operating procedure on that one.

Collage 1

A pen pal friend of mine sent me a small sketchbook to fill up and send back to him. It's kind of like what I did with the Sketchbook Project a couple years ago, except this is just for one person. I haven't gotten very far on this book though--life has gotten surprisingly full of late, in a good way.

Anyways, this is a collage I put together earlier today (it's page 19, so it's not like I've been completely slacking off). I usually make pretty detailed, complex collages, so it's fun to try to make very pared down, simple ones. I've always enjoyed creating these--I find it very relaxing, especially all the time it takes to cut out all the pictures. People sometimes just assume it's a print or something I've put together in Photoshop, because I can make the edges really seamless. Nope, all done by hand. I've just given myself a lot of practice over the years cutting very delicately with scissors and exacto blades.

Sketching 7

These drawings were definitely influenced by the sermon I was listening to at church that day. It's two different visual interpretations of what I was mulling over as my pastor spoke. I think it's pretty obvious what was being talked about.

Sketching 6

I've been playing around recently with incorporating elements of microbiology into my work. I get my best inspiration while sitting in church actually.

A complete 180

My natural inclination is towards being an island, never being weak or putting myself in a place to depend or rely on someone to come through for me. So many fears and doubts swirled in me for many years--about relying on people, opening up my heart and risking being hurt, letting others matter and speak into my life...it just seemed so dangerous after having gotten my heart beat up and toyed with over the years. I was angry and dissatisfied and bitter, not just about romantic relationships, but any kind of friendship. I always kept some part of myself in reserve, holding myself at arm's length...just in case. I just expected others to fail, to leave, to not reach out. The other shoe was always just waiting to drop, and I was never surprised when it did, and a friendship would just fizzle out after a couple years. I wasn't pessimistic, I said, just realistic. If you have no expectations, you're not surprised when people fail you. That's why I always held something back--it hurts too much if you let your heart be vulnerable. That's such a risk to let yourself be open to getting hurt like that. I know what it's like to have a shattered heart, sweeping the broken pieces up and trying to put yourself back together. I didn't ever want to feel that way again.

So, I was always a bit aloof, a little removed from those around me, never trying too hard to hang onto any friendship. The only person I thought I could really rely on was myself. I settled into my daily life over the last couple years, a routine of work and making art and reading books and going to church--quite happy and content on my lonesome. I was burned pretty badly from my last relationship and had no desire to seek out dating at all. To me, it just felt like a pointless game. I was content with my friends and family. In 2011 though, God impressed on me that I really needed to make relationships a priority in my life, make an effort to reach out and cultivate friendships, both old and new. I was tired of never truly being myself, never opening all the way. I was done with living in fear of what might happen. I was never fully in the present, in the here and now, because I was still letting the past breath over my shoulder and determine my actions for the future. I had to let go of what has happened, not obsess over what might be, and just dwell in what is. It's so freeing to commit to the present and let go of old fears, trusting God to lead me true.

For 2012, I have the theme, "Be bold," ringing through my heart and mind. God doesn't want me to stay where it's comfortable; He wants me to step out into the unknown and risk a little bit. How can I really have faith if I never rely on God to come through for me, if I always have a back-up plan to rescue myself? I have to let go, step off the cliff, and trust that if God is who He says He is, He's not going to let me crash on the rocks below. I wrote about some of this process recently, and how my heart has healed and opened up again. This past month or so has just blown my socks off. The pessimistic side of me keeps waiting for something bad to happen...but it hasn't.

This has become a season of joy and excitement in my life. New experiences, fresh insight and inspiration, much encouragement and happiness, falling hopelessly in love, getting all mushy and sappy....I have never felt so cherished, treasured and respected in my life. My boyfriend, Colin, just fills me with such joy. He is super sweet and kind and loving, encouraging me in my faith and walk with God, accepting me as I am with all my kookiness and strangeness. He makes me want to be a better person--not because I feel like I need to be perfect, present some kind of facade...but because I am loved and free to open my heart. And he doesn't think he's doing anything special!

I know he's not perfect, and he isn't trying to be. We're both very open about being sinful people in a fallen world. We both know that without Jesus, we're hopeless and lost. But I do know that God has been directing my steps over the last several years, preparing my heart. Everything I've been through--the good and especially the bad--has been leading me here. I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone, shake up my daily routine....risk my heart and be open to love.

It might sound sappy or whatever, but life without real love is pretty lonely. I don't want to be an island.

But I did it my way

Every time someone tells me I can't do something or I have to do such-and-such in a particular way to be successful, I just want to prove them wrong. There's a part of me that exclaims, "Well, why?! Why do I have to do it that way? I'm going to do it how I want-and work harder at it-just to prove you wrong!" That side of me gets such a thrill out of doing things differently and making it work out anyways.

I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.

It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.

For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.

I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.