Blast from the past

I was reminded the other day of something I used to do during my tween and early teen years. Back before Youtube, Facebook, Twitter or Myspace were in existence, e-mail was king. Nobody had ever heard of an iPod, "blog" was just starting to be accepted as a word, dial-up was still standard, small children were not yet toting around their own cell phones, and I had my very own email account. It was supposed to be spirit_of_love, but I was in a hurry and didn't double check the spelling...so it ended up being sprit_of_love. That was always confusing to people.

Anyways, I was a deep thinking homeschooled teeny bopper with a bad hair cut and wanted to encourage others. I started sending out a weekly e-mail where I would write out a few Bible verses and talk about them and what they meant to me. I used to keep a Bible journal and would jot down verses that stuck out to me, and that's what I used in my e-mails. I can't remember how long I did that, but it was at least a couple years. One of the pastors at my church even mentioned my e-mails in a sermon once, which totally put me on cloud nine. I had deep thoughts to share and people actually wanted to read them! That was some serious validation for my young heart. 

Over time though, I started getting discouraged (this was also when I was feeling disconnected from God and struggling with some depression). I felt alone and distant from people my own age, frustrated with my peers' lack of maturity and focus on shallow things. It became a battle to even sit down and type up anything. I'd think, "Oh, nobody reads this, or if they do they're just being nice. You don't really have anything to say. How can you tell others what God says in His Word when you feel like He's distant from you?" Eventually I just petered out and stopped writing them. I felt hypocritical--how could I write about Jesus and faith when I was struggling and feeling doubt? Then I felt silly--what did I, as young teen girl, have to say that mattered; who was I to say what the Bible meant? And lastly, disappointment--how pathetic that I couldn't even sit down to type up a few words about the book I said I believed in, some Christian I was.

Looking back on it now, I realize that Satan really doesn't like it when God's Word gets read or spoken of. The devil does everything in his power to make sure a person never turns to Jesus. If that fails and someone becomes a believer, his backup strategy is to make sure they never bear any fruit, remaining a nominal, inconsequential Christian. Those who stand up and try to be bold and different face great attack on many fronts. I've heard from people here and there over the intervening years how much they enjoyed what I wrote. That people still remember those e-mails almost a decade later tells me I was onto something. But I got beaten down. As I've shared before, I was battling a lot of darkness during my teens, and it got the best of me at times.

In the last few years, my faith has gotten stronger and deeper. Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church has been a particularly amazing blessing--his teaching has helped my understanding of God and love for Him to blossom. Jesus has become real to me in a way I can't adequately describe. I understand now that doubt and questions are okay and even beneficial at times. I know now that speaking boldly for Christ brings repercussions and to be prepared for spiritual attack. And sometimes God chooses to speak through zealous young people who long to go deep. I hope to keep my zeal as I add maturity and life experience to it.