A complete 180

My natural inclination is towards being an island, never being weak or putting myself in a place to depend or rely on someone to come through for me. So many fears and doubts swirled in me for many years--about relying on people, opening up my heart and risking being hurt, letting others matter and speak into my life...it just seemed so dangerous after having gotten my heart beat up and toyed with over the years. I was angry and dissatisfied and bitter, not just about romantic relationships, but any kind of friendship. I always kept some part of myself in reserve, holding myself at arm's length...just in case. I just expected others to fail, to leave, to not reach out. The other shoe was always just waiting to drop, and I was never surprised when it did, and a friendship would just fizzle out after a couple years. I wasn't pessimistic, I said, just realistic. If you have no expectations, you're not surprised when people fail you. That's why I always held something back--it hurts too much if you let your heart be vulnerable. That's such a risk to let yourself be open to getting hurt like that. I know what it's like to have a shattered heart, sweeping the broken pieces up and trying to put yourself back together. I didn't ever want to feel that way again.

So, I was always a bit aloof, a little removed from those around me, never trying too hard to hang onto any friendship. The only person I thought I could really rely on was myself. I settled into my daily life over the last couple years, a routine of work and making art and reading books and going to church--quite happy and content on my lonesome. I was burned pretty badly from my last relationship and had no desire to seek out dating at all. To me, it just felt like a pointless game. I was content with my friends and family. In 2011 though, God impressed on me that I really needed to make relationships a priority in my life, make an effort to reach out and cultivate friendships, both old and new. I was tired of never truly being myself, never opening all the way. I was done with living in fear of what might happen. I was never fully in the present, in the here and now, because I was still letting the past breath over my shoulder and determine my actions for the future. I had to let go of what has happened, not obsess over what might be, and just dwell in what is. It's so freeing to commit to the present and let go of old fears, trusting God to lead me true.

For 2012, I have the theme, "Be bold," ringing through my heart and mind. God doesn't want me to stay where it's comfortable; He wants me to step out into the unknown and risk a little bit. How can I really have faith if I never rely on God to come through for me, if I always have a back-up plan to rescue myself? I have to let go, step off the cliff, and trust that if God is who He says He is, He's not going to let me crash on the rocks below. I wrote about some of this process recently, and how my heart has healed and opened up again. This past month or so has just blown my socks off. The pessimistic side of me keeps waiting for something bad to happen...but it hasn't.

This has become a season of joy and excitement in my life. New experiences, fresh insight and inspiration, much encouragement and happiness, falling hopelessly in love, getting all mushy and sappy....I have never felt so cherished, treasured and respected in my life. My boyfriend, Colin, just fills me with such joy. He is super sweet and kind and loving, encouraging me in my faith and walk with God, accepting me as I am with all my kookiness and strangeness. He makes me want to be a better person--not because I feel like I need to be perfect, present some kind of facade...but because I am loved and free to open my heart. And he doesn't think he's doing anything special!

I know he's not perfect, and he isn't trying to be. We're both very open about being sinful people in a fallen world. We both know that without Jesus, we're hopeless and lost. But I do know that God has been directing my steps over the last several years, preparing my heart. Everything I've been through--the good and especially the bad--has been leading me here. I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone, shake up my daily routine....risk my heart and be open to love.

It might sound sappy or whatever, but life without real love is pretty lonely. I don't want to be an island.

But I did it my way

Every time someone tells me I can't do something or I have to do such-and-such in a particular way to be successful, I just want to prove them wrong. There's a part of me that exclaims, "Well, why?! Why do I have to do it that way? I'm going to do it how I want-and work harder at it-just to prove you wrong!" That side of me gets such a thrill out of doing things differently and making it work out anyways.

I'm quietly contrary, I guess. I don't argue to someone's face, I just go off and work at proving them wrong. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions back up and confirm my point. For example, I felt pressured by my advisor to apply to graduate school right away after completing my under-grad degree at Northwestern. I was burned out on school, and especially so after my last semester when I was working 40 hours a week and going to college. I got the impression that he thought that if I didn't go on right away for further education, I wouldn't amount to anything. I just wasn't interested in that path. I was like, "Why can't I simply keep making art on my own? I don't need a master's to be an artist. I'm just going to get my work out there!" And that's what I did: I applied to a bunch of calls for art, created business cards, made a point to carry CDs with my artwork and resume on them in my purse at all times. Within a year of graduating, I had work in 8 different art shows. Would I have been as motivated if someone hadn't told me that I was supposed to go about being an artist a different way? I don't know, but it definitely put a little extra fire in me to try harder and push myself further.

It's the same with my faith sometimes. I've always chafed under people telling me what I'm "supposed" to believe and do, how I'm "supposed" to be a Christian, a godly woman. There are so many voices out there who think they know exactly how everyone else is supposed to act--they've got the rules laid out, in detail, in their numerous books on how to live a better life/be a better Christian/be a 'real' woman/blah blah blah. It boils down to "This is what you're supposed to do. And if you don't, you're not really a Christian." That's legalism, not the freedom the Bible talks about. It's made me question things more, ask myself why I'm doing a particular thing--is it because I feel genuinely convicted to do it...or is it because I'm checking off a religious to-do list, trying to please others and not focusing on glorifying God? It's one thing for people I respect and love to speak into my life and point out error--I need that! It's another thing when you get blanket statements about how everyone is "supposed" to be.

For a time, I questioned and stepped back from all the "basics"--reading the Bible, praying, going to church. I knew I should do these things, but why? I knew it's what Christians are "supposed" to do...but that's not much of a motivation at the end of the day. I felt very aimless for a couple years, because I had to come to a conclusion for myself, not based on what everyone else says, but decide for me who I was going to be and how I would live out this thing called faith.
Eventually, I did make up my mind about all of it. I read my Bible pretty much daily, I pray a lot, I go to church every Sunday I don't have to work. But it's not because I'm "supposed" to, it's because I genuinely desire to.

I'm just pig headed that way, I suppose. Part of being such an independent person is that I question everything (sometimes to my detriment). I don't take things at face value--I don't want to know simply the "what" but the "why" as well. I have reasons behind everything I do. Empty actions are just so pointless to me. I guess it's that I want my whole life to have meaning and thoughtful purpose behind it. And simply jumping because someone says I should rubs me the wrong way.

Sketching 5

Another page from my little sketchbook that I keep in my purse. The markers I use bleed through the pages a lot of the time, which sometimes influences what I draw on the next page.

Back to the future

A little over four years ago, the future I'd been planning was completely destroyed. All my plans and intentions went up in smoke. For a good two years, I'd been going along with a particular idea of how things were going to unroll in my life....and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm so glad it did. Though at the time, it really sucked going through it.

March 2008: I broke up with my cheating ex, cut off all my hair, and went on a spring break road trip to New Mexico and Utah. It was the perfect way to process a break up--just miles of open road and the time to reflect and decompress. I had almost two weeks of quiet and peace, time to think and let go, finding some solace and healing out in the grandeur of the West. You really can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over you when you're sitting on the edge of a cliff, with nothing but the sound of wind in your ears, and no sign of civilization for miles and miles.

I felt as if I had lost sight of God, and he'd stripped away everything that I'd been leaning on or distracting myself with to get me to look at Him again. I couldn't use homework or checking Facebook or talking on the phone or doing busywork...nothing....there were no distractions. I came face-to-face with who I really was out there. There was nothing I could do--I had to just be. It was just me, and the wind, and harsh beauty of the land...and God. Speaking to me in a still small voice that I'd been tuning out for a while.

One of my friends joked later that I had gone on a vision quest, and I couldn't really disagree. I had a couple unusual encounters along the way that reminded me that God was still there for me (maybe I'll share them someday). I went on a few hikes by myself, and the utter quiet I experienced out in that wilderness didn't leave when I came back to Minnesota. That sense of peace, so lonely yet comforting, so weighty yet freeing, settled in my heart and has never left. It's impossible to adequately convey the way I felt the presence of God out in the desert, but I was changed in a very deep way that I can't really describe.  It was just what I needed at the time. It was as if God was telling me, "Everything will be okay, Elisabeth. Your problems aren't as big as you think. Let Me comfort and heal your bruised heart."

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

But then I had to come back home again. Back to school, back to my friends and family, back to every day life. But I didn't know who I was anymore. So much of myself, who I was, had gotten wrapped up in this one person, this one relationship, this one idea of how my life was going to go. I had to redefine myself. I realized that I'd been basing my identity and worth as a person on another human being. I mean, it wasn't like I had no sense of self, but I hadn't realized until that trip how much I'd changed who I was just to please my ex. That was a very healthy and needed thing to go through...but then I was faced with the fact that I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life next.

Everything that I'd been thinking and planning for about two years had been pointed towards getting married and moving to Maryland and having this whole life out east. That all disappeared, and I had to find my footing again. It was like all these ties had been cut, and I was suddenly free....with no direction or leading.

And as healing and comforting as my road trip had been, there were still areas that really hurt. I shut down some parts of my heart, because I just felt like a fool and an idiot. I should have known better! I was like, "Guys--who needs 'em? Pffft."

And I went on with finishing up that school year, having fun with my friends, working on art, renewing my relationship with God. Over the next couple years, I moved back home, revitalized my connections with my family, got a job at Half Price, graduated college, bought a car, worked on building some artistic notoriety, just living life. But I didn't really think too hard about what might come next, I just took life as it came. "Why make long term plans when it might blow up in your face?" a part of me asked. And no way was I interested in dating. It still stung if I thought about it too much. I just decided I would happily be single the rest of my life and that was that.

But I didn't want to stay in a holding pattern, settling into a rut. Not only in daily living and work, I also realized I needed to make my faith a priority and not half-ass it. I begrudgingly decided to look for a church, but I wasn't going to like it. I knew God wanted me to get plugged in somewhere, but I wasn't too enthused about the prospect. I'd listened to Mark Driscoll sermons off and on throughout college, but I really started listening to them, actually trying to apply what I was hearing and learning. And one thing he really emphasizes is being in community with other Christians. Like, all the time, in practically every message I heard. I finally was like, "Fine. Fine! Okay, I will look for a church. But I'm not too excited about this, God. And if I don't like it, I'm not going back." I looked online to see if there were any Acts 29 churches in Minneapolis, kinda hoping there wasn't so I could make more excuses. There are four. And they are all close-ish to where I live. There was even one like ten minutes away. Crap. I wasn't going to get out of this so easy.

So I went to Antioch Community Church....and loved it. The people were (and are) awesome. I got connected with a community group. I've made friends, not just interacted with people who only talk to me on Sunday. I feel like I've found my place. And God's really been working on my heart the last six months or so, reminding me not to hold back in fear, to be open to new possibilities, to look to Him for guidance and not going back to my old way of living and thinking. He doesn't want me to keep my heart shut, because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't, and don't want to, live life that way.

I've been thinking recently of how God spoke to my heart in the desert when I was bruised and hurting. He gave me peace and reassurance when I had none and felt so empty. I had nothing to give, but God met me where I was at and didn't let me wallow and have a pity party. He reminded me that everything else can fall away, but He will always be there. I can be completely alone, yet He will never leave  me. I am His and will never be forsaken, though I may stumble through darkness and doubt. I have nothing to offer, yet He is happy to give everything and fill me with hope and grace and love.

And I've reflected on how God's been speaking to me over the last four years as I've matured and realigned myself with Him. He's been teaching me to tune my heart to his voice, however He chooses to speak with me--from a penny on the ground to a book coming along just when I need to read what it says to a sunny day spent with friends to the messages I hear at church. I don't get to choose how God works, I just have to be open and expectant for Him to come through for me.

And now....something new and completely unexpected has come my way. I wasn't looking or searching for it. I wasn't praying about it. I was just going about my life, and now this. There's this guy...and he's pretty awesome. And he thinks I'm kinda awesome too. It's like finding a little seedling popping up from the ground in spring where you didn't know anything was even planted. The future is all up in the air again. I have no idea what the future holds. And I have never been happier about uncertainty in my life.

I am so excited to see what's going to happen next....

Sketching 4

The blue scribbles in the background are words--actually a prayer. When I talk to God, I have a hard time staying focused sometimes, so I like to write down what I'm thinking to stay on track. However, there are times when I don't want any legible writing left for anyone else to be able to read. It's a private conversation between me and Jesus. But I do want a record of it in some form to jog my memory. So, I write across the page normally, then I turn my sketchbook and write going another direction. I keep doing this until it's illegible and I've gotten everything off my chest. It's very cathartic actually. I might not even remember later what exactly was on my mind, but I remember that I talked to God about it and He knows what I scrawled across the page.
I don't usually go back and add anything else, but I was sitting in church doodling the other day (like usual) and saw the outline of this shape.

Rid of my disgrace

Oh, man, talk about spiritual attack Tuesday. I was originally planning to write something chipper and upbeat ....but I have been feeling pretty weighted down today. Emotions, thoughts and feelings that haven't surfaced in a long while have all reared their heads. It's a bit overwhelming to be honest. Every time I think I'm done with stuff from my past, that I've overcome it all and will never have to think about it again....I get my knees kicked out from under me, and I'm flat on my back...again. And it's easier to stay down than fight my way back up for the umpteenth time, because there's just so much to face and it takes so much work.

In the past when something like today would happen, I'd feel completely off kilter for days. Just not being able to shake it off, feeling like I was drowning under all the old accusations and helplessness. I would get in a funk, because I'd listen to those things instead of pushing back. At the time, I didn't know how to fight back and win. It just felt like it was futile, because I believed what was running through my head was true.

"You're worthless. Disgusting. Nothing will ever change. You're unloved, unwanted, something to be used and discarded....If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't feel this way, struggle this much....You're dirty, defiled, garbage....This is all your fault....No one else could possibly understand, and if you told anyone, they would be disgusted by you. Who would want to be your friend, if they truly knew you? You can't trust anyone. You will always be alone."

And on it would go. I'd just want to curl up under the covers and hope that it would all go away. It was all so heavy and dark.....and it felt like I was choking on fear and shame. I thought all of that was flowing out of my own heart.

Now the thing you should notice, what I wrote above are all you statements. I never caught on to this. Who ever really addresses themselves in the second person? I would go from, "I feel sad and ashamed," to, "You're shameful and pathetic." The first is an appropriate response to sexual abuse, but the second is not. It goes from "I was sinned against," to, "It's all your fault." You want help and healing, but think you don't deserve it because you begin to believe you brought it on yourself somehow. These malicious thoughts come into your mind and you just accept them, never even considering that they're not from you.

So, today--well, actually starting last night when I went to bed, I was feeling the weight of some past regrets. Things I shouldn't have done, words I should have said instead, and compromises I made to my standards and convictions. I was thanking God for forgiving and redeeming my sin, wiping away my tears, creating a new heart and a new mind in me. But all of sudden, I was just slammed with these accusatory phrases. And I started wallowing, getting pulled completely off track. I went from, "That is who I once was--I'm truly repentant over the things I did wrong, God, and thank you for forgiving me and not choosing to hold my sin against me. I regret this and am feeling the weight of the wrong, but I know you love me," to, "You're a horrible person and always will be. You are undeserving of love. You haven't changed and never will." And shame started wrapping itself around me.

But. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. And I realized that this wasn't coming from me. So, I did something that I didn't know how to do before when I was younger: I fought back the right way. "God, this isn't me and it's not how you see me. You have freed me from shame, from disgrace, from guilt. Yes, that's how I once felt, but that's not truth. This isn't true. You know who I truly am. Remind me of my identity in you and your love and grace. I am not alone--you are with me, and I have people I can turn to. I am loved. I will not give into shame and hide away. I am renewed, redeemed, beloved by you, God. I'm facing this and I know it's not me." (This video says it even better.)

And after a few minutes of praying, it was like a switch got flipped and those thoughts were gone from my head. Wow. It worked. And I slept through the night without a single bad dream (I've been having those lately).

This morning, those feelings came rushing back again, which isn't surprising. I've been confronting and praying against them through the day. I was looking at my tattoo earlier to remind myself that God is always there for me, even when the darkness comes. God's been reminding me today that my emotions don't define my faith and life. No matter what I'm currently feeling or remembering, God is good and He will never leave me bereft and broken. I'm not the same person I once was, because of His grace and mercy and love. I'm not bound to old ways of thinking and feeling.

This is me now. I don't care that it's kind of a crappy sketch, it illustrates perfectly who I am in Jesus.

Sketching 3

Another fun doodle.