Sketching 5

Another page from my little sketchbook that I keep in my purse. The markers I use bleed through the pages a lot of the time, which sometimes influences what I draw on the next page.

Back to the future

A little over four years ago, the future I'd been planning was completely destroyed. All my plans and intentions went up in smoke. For a good two years, I'd been going along with a particular idea of how things were going to unroll in my life....and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm so glad it did. Though at the time, it really sucked going through it.

March 2008: I broke up with my cheating ex, cut off all my hair, and went on a spring break road trip to New Mexico and Utah. It was the perfect way to process a break up--just miles of open road and the time to reflect and decompress. I had almost two weeks of quiet and peace, time to think and let go, finding some solace and healing out in the grandeur of the West. You really can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over you when you're sitting on the edge of a cliff, with nothing but the sound of wind in your ears, and no sign of civilization for miles and miles.

I felt as if I had lost sight of God, and he'd stripped away everything that I'd been leaning on or distracting myself with to get me to look at Him again. I couldn't use homework or checking Facebook or talking on the phone or doing busywork...nothing....there were no distractions. I came face-to-face with who I really was out there. There was nothing I could do--I had to just be. It was just me, and the wind, and harsh beauty of the land...and God. Speaking to me in a still small voice that I'd been tuning out for a while.

One of my friends joked later that I had gone on a vision quest, and I couldn't really disagree. I had a couple unusual encounters along the way that reminded me that God was still there for me (maybe I'll share them someday). I went on a few hikes by myself, and the utter quiet I experienced out in that wilderness didn't leave when I came back to Minnesota. That sense of peace, so lonely yet comforting, so weighty yet freeing, settled in my heart and has never left. It's impossible to adequately convey the way I felt the presence of God out in the desert, but I was changed in a very deep way that I can't really describe.  It was just what I needed at the time. It was as if God was telling me, "Everything will be okay, Elisabeth. Your problems aren't as big as you think. Let Me comfort and heal your bruised heart."

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

But then I had to come back home again. Back to school, back to my friends and family, back to every day life. But I didn't know who I was anymore. So much of myself, who I was, had gotten wrapped up in this one person, this one relationship, this one idea of how my life was going to go. I had to redefine myself. I realized that I'd been basing my identity and worth as a person on another human being. I mean, it wasn't like I had no sense of self, but I hadn't realized until that trip how much I'd changed who I was just to please my ex. That was a very healthy and needed thing to go through...but then I was faced with the fact that I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life next.

Everything that I'd been thinking and planning for about two years had been pointed towards getting married and moving to Maryland and having this whole life out east. That all disappeared, and I had to find my footing again. It was like all these ties had been cut, and I was suddenly free....with no direction or leading.

And as healing and comforting as my road trip had been, there were still areas that really hurt. I shut down some parts of my heart, because I just felt like a fool and an idiot. I should have known better! I was like, "Guys--who needs 'em? Pffft."

And I went on with finishing up that school year, having fun with my friends, working on art, renewing my relationship with God. Over the next couple years, I moved back home, revitalized my connections with my family, got a job at Half Price, graduated college, bought a car, worked on building some artistic notoriety, just living life. But I didn't really think too hard about what might come next, I just took life as it came. "Why make long term plans when it might blow up in your face?" a part of me asked. And no way was I interested in dating. It still stung if I thought about it too much. I just decided I would happily be single the rest of my life and that was that.

But I didn't want to stay in a holding pattern, settling into a rut. Not only in daily living and work, I also realized I needed to make my faith a priority and not half-ass it. I begrudgingly decided to look for a church, but I wasn't going to like it. I knew God wanted me to get plugged in somewhere, but I wasn't too enthused about the prospect. I'd listened to Mark Driscoll sermons off and on throughout college, but I really started listening to them, actually trying to apply what I was hearing and learning. And one thing he really emphasizes is being in community with other Christians. Like, all the time, in practically every message I heard. I finally was like, "Fine. Fine! Okay, I will look for a church. But I'm not too excited about this, God. And if I don't like it, I'm not going back." I looked online to see if there were any Acts 29 churches in Minneapolis, kinda hoping there wasn't so I could make more excuses. There are four. And they are all close-ish to where I live. There was even one like ten minutes away. Crap. I wasn't going to get out of this so easy.

So I went to Antioch Community Church....and loved it. The people were (and are) awesome. I got connected with a community group. I've made friends, not just interacted with people who only talk to me on Sunday. I feel like I've found my place. And God's really been working on my heart the last six months or so, reminding me not to hold back in fear, to be open to new possibilities, to look to Him for guidance and not going back to my old way of living and thinking. He doesn't want me to keep my heart shut, because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't, and don't want to, live life that way.

I've been thinking recently of how God spoke to my heart in the desert when I was bruised and hurting. He gave me peace and reassurance when I had none and felt so empty. I had nothing to give, but God met me where I was at and didn't let me wallow and have a pity party. He reminded me that everything else can fall away, but He will always be there. I can be completely alone, yet He will never leave  me. I am His and will never be forsaken, though I may stumble through darkness and doubt. I have nothing to offer, yet He is happy to give everything and fill me with hope and grace and love.

And I've reflected on how God's been speaking to me over the last four years as I've matured and realigned myself with Him. He's been teaching me to tune my heart to his voice, however He chooses to speak with me--from a penny on the ground to a book coming along just when I need to read what it says to a sunny day spent with friends to the messages I hear at church. I don't get to choose how God works, I just have to be open and expectant for Him to come through for me.

And now....something new and completely unexpected has come my way. I wasn't looking or searching for it. I wasn't praying about it. I was just going about my life, and now this. There's this guy...and he's pretty awesome. And he thinks I'm kinda awesome too. It's like finding a little seedling popping up from the ground in spring where you didn't know anything was even planted. The future is all up in the air again. I have no idea what the future holds. And I have never been happier about uncertainty in my life.

I am so excited to see what's going to happen next....

Sketching 4

The blue scribbles in the background are words--actually a prayer. When I talk to God, I have a hard time staying focused sometimes, so I like to write down what I'm thinking to stay on track. However, there are times when I don't want any legible writing left for anyone else to be able to read. It's a private conversation between me and Jesus. But I do want a record of it in some form to jog my memory. So, I write across the page normally, then I turn my sketchbook and write going another direction. I keep doing this until it's illegible and I've gotten everything off my chest. It's very cathartic actually. I might not even remember later what exactly was on my mind, but I remember that I talked to God about it and He knows what I scrawled across the page.
I don't usually go back and add anything else, but I was sitting in church doodling the other day (like usual) and saw the outline of this shape.

Rid of my disgrace

Oh, man, talk about spiritual attack Tuesday. I was originally planning to write something chipper and upbeat ....but I have been feeling pretty weighted down today. Emotions, thoughts and feelings that haven't surfaced in a long while have all reared their heads. It's a bit overwhelming to be honest. Every time I think I'm done with stuff from my past, that I've overcome it all and will never have to think about it again....I get my knees kicked out from under me, and I'm flat on my back...again. And it's easier to stay down than fight my way back up for the umpteenth time, because there's just so much to face and it takes so much work.

In the past when something like today would happen, I'd feel completely off kilter for days. Just not being able to shake it off, feeling like I was drowning under all the old accusations and helplessness. I would get in a funk, because I'd listen to those things instead of pushing back. At the time, I didn't know how to fight back and win. It just felt like it was futile, because I believed what was running through my head was true.

"You're worthless. Disgusting. Nothing will ever change. You're unloved, unwanted, something to be used and discarded....If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't feel this way, struggle this much....You're dirty, defiled, garbage....This is all your fault....No one else could possibly understand, and if you told anyone, they would be disgusted by you. Who would want to be your friend, if they truly knew you? You can't trust anyone. You will always be alone."

And on it would go. I'd just want to curl up under the covers and hope that it would all go away. It was all so heavy and dark.....and it felt like I was choking on fear and shame. I thought all of that was flowing out of my own heart.

Now the thing you should notice, what I wrote above are all you statements. I never caught on to this. Who ever really addresses themselves in the second person? I would go from, "I feel sad and ashamed," to, "You're shameful and pathetic." The first is an appropriate response to sexual abuse, but the second is not. It goes from "I was sinned against," to, "It's all your fault." You want help and healing, but think you don't deserve it because you begin to believe you brought it on yourself somehow. These malicious thoughts come into your mind and you just accept them, never even considering that they're not from you.

So, today--well, actually starting last night when I went to bed, I was feeling the weight of some past regrets. Things I shouldn't have done, words I should have said instead, and compromises I made to my standards and convictions. I was thanking God for forgiving and redeeming my sin, wiping away my tears, creating a new heart and a new mind in me. But all of sudden, I was just slammed with these accusatory phrases. And I started wallowing, getting pulled completely off track. I went from, "That is who I once was--I'm truly repentant over the things I did wrong, God, and thank you for forgiving me and not choosing to hold my sin against me. I regret this and am feeling the weight of the wrong, but I know you love me," to, "You're a horrible person and always will be. You are undeserving of love. You haven't changed and never will." And shame started wrapping itself around me.

But. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. And I realized that this wasn't coming from me. So, I did something that I didn't know how to do before when I was younger: I fought back the right way. "God, this isn't me and it's not how you see me. You have freed me from shame, from disgrace, from guilt. Yes, that's how I once felt, but that's not truth. This isn't true. You know who I truly am. Remind me of my identity in you and your love and grace. I am not alone--you are with me, and I have people I can turn to. I am loved. I will not give into shame and hide away. I am renewed, redeemed, beloved by you, God. I'm facing this and I know it's not me." (This video says it even better.)

And after a few minutes of praying, it was like a switch got flipped and those thoughts were gone from my head. Wow. It worked. And I slept through the night without a single bad dream (I've been having those lately).

This morning, those feelings came rushing back again, which isn't surprising. I've been confronting and praying against them through the day. I was looking at my tattoo earlier to remind myself that God is always there for me, even when the darkness comes. God's been reminding me today that my emotions don't define my faith and life. No matter what I'm currently feeling or remembering, God is good and He will never leave me bereft and broken. I'm not the same person I once was, because of His grace and mercy and love. I'm not bound to old ways of thinking and feeling.

This is me now. I don't care that it's kind of a crappy sketch, it illustrates perfectly who I am in Jesus.

Sketching 3

Another fun doodle. 

Sketching 2

This is a relaxation exercise for me. I scribble over the whole page really fast, then go back and color it in.

A very good birthday

It was my birthday this past Saturday. It's kinda weird to think I'm 25 now. When I was in my teens, I thought I'd have my life all figured out by the time I was 22.....three years later, and I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up!

But this post is not about existential musing and pondering. I want to share about what a great week I had and how glad I am that I got to relax and spend time with my family (even though I see them all the time since I live at home...). I feel like I can be too "down" and serious on here at times, so I'm going to focus on all the good stuff I did the last seven days. :)

As an aside, I can nitpick about the things I don't like about work, but one of the things I appreciate a lot about Half Price is vacation days accrue and roll over from year to year. So, I've got a decent amount saved up and decided to just take a week off before it gets really crazy (besides the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, June-September is our busy time of year). And everyone at work wants to take a vacation during the warm months to enjoy a little bit of summer. I didn't have to fight anyone to take a week off at the end of March. And I didn't feel as bad about being gone, because stuff wasn't piling up quite as bad as it will be in the middle of July.

Originally I was planning to buckle down and work hard core on art every day....but that didn't really end up happening. I did get some art making in, but I mostly just read, ran errands that had been piling up and drove around to various fun activities.

Monday, I read most of the day and then went to my weekly yoga class in the evening.

Tuesday is my regular day off, because I volunteer that day in the afternoon with Free Arts MN at Earl Brown Elementary doing art projects with kindergartners. That's always a highlight of my week. You can be feeling like crap when you walk in there, but by the time it's done, you feel amazing. The kids just run in and give hugs and high fives and just love that you're there to make art with them. We can do what I think is a simple project and they'll absolutely love it. It's a good reminder for me to enjoy the little things in life.

In the evening, I had my church community group over at my house for dinner. Everyone brought a dish to share, and we just hung out, ate and talked for two hours. The most interesting item that someone brought was a bag of oranges.

Wednesday was a pretty full day: In the morning I met with one of my pastors and another person from my church at Wilde Roast Cafe for my membership interview. It's not like a job interview, but just to check that you're not some wing-nut whack job or something. It's a good way for the pastors to get to know new people better, hear their stories and learn what people's passions and interests are. Also, Wilde Roast is awesome--they have the best chai tea I've ever tasted.

After my interview, I had to book it over to Juut Salon Spa in Roseville. A friend from church with curly hair that always looks great gets her hair cut there, so I thought I'd check it out. I've never actually been to a salon before, so I was a little leery. But it was awesome! The guy who did my hair loves curly hair and actually knows how to cut it properly. We had a great conversation about tattoos, hair, and other random topics. He was super cool and just really nice--he did not give me crap at all about the fact that I don't get my hair cut every six weeks or whatever. He just kept gushing about how gorgeous my hair is and that he wants to be the only one to cut my hair from now on. It's always nice to be genuinely complimented. :) And he styled my hair really nice, because I was going to go renew my driver's license after my appointment. Now that's good service! I definitely felt fantastic when I walked into the DMV later.

Thursday, I went over to Beloved to chat with one of my tattoo artists for a little bit and check out the art in their gallery. I continued the art trend that night when my Mom, Andrew and I went to the Walker to see their current exhibit, Likelike. (fyi, the Walker is free on Thursdays after 5pm) We took a detour to the Wedge co-op for dessert afterwards. I pretty much only ever buy snacks and junk food there!

Friday was another day of driving around: From St. Louis Park to have my leg braces adjusted, to New Hope to get my tires rotated, then home. Later, my Mom took Andrew and I downtown Minneapolis to Macy's flower show. It's starting to become a tradition, because the show always falls right around my birthday. We ooh and ahh over the flowers, wandering through the beautiful colors and taking in all the wonderful smells, then head downstairs to the candy counter. Yes, an old fashioned candy counter where you can buy treats in bulk or individually. They sell really good chocolate, and something is always on sale when we're there. I'm actually savoring one of my birthday truffles right now! :)

Saturday started out with a wonderful surprise: My Dad handed me an envelope and wished me a happy birthday. Inside were two tickets to see Celtic Woman on Sunday night!! I absolutely love their music and have been saying for years that I would really like to see them live. I was completely floored--I had absolutely no clue they were in town and never would have guessed that my parents would buy me tickets to see them! I'm not one to overly display my emotions, but I was over the moon! I couldn't wait for Sunday night to come, that's for sure!

But I also had some fun things planned for Saturday too: My Mom and I went shopping together, which I always enjoy getting to hang out with her one-on-one. In the evening, Leah, Andrew and I went to the Brave New Workshop to see The Danger Committee's latest show, Love and Other Painful Mistakes. They perform at the MN Ren Fest as well and are my favorite act to see there. To describe, it doesn't sound that cool, but they're awesome.

Juggling, knife throwing, comedy, potential disaster. What more could you want?

After their show, the guys answered the audience's questions, and it was just really cool to hear some of the things that go on behind the scenes. We were also able to catch some free improv just upstairs too. I definitely got my money's worth for an evening full of entertainment. I haven't laughed that hard since I watched A Very Potter musical with my friend, Holly--which means I almost peed my pants.

So, Sunday--church in the morning, which is always a treat. Then off to a baby shower for my cousin's wife who's due in May. It was great to hang out with some fun relatives and coo over cute baby things.
And then, after dressing up a little, because why not?....my Dad whisked me off to Celtic Woman.

I love Celtic music--I adore these ladies' singing.

And it was absolutely magical. I really can't describe it, I enjoyed it so much. I loved everything--the set, the lights, the gorgeous dresses, the dancing...but their voices...WOW. It's one thing to listen to them on TV or online, but in person it's absolutely phenomenal! My Dad and I were both grinning and just had a great time. Words just can't do justice to how I felt and how much I loved it and getting to share the experience with my Dad. I felt treasured and blessed and loved and celebrated. It was the perfect gift and will be a very treasured memory. So, yeah, my Dad is awesome (he even dressed up, because he knew I'd appreciate it). And my Mom had a hand in it too, because she sounded me out without me even remembering that she'd asked. It was the perfect finish to my birthday week.