People's Emotions

I am an empathetic intuitive person. Meaning I very keenly pick up on others' emotional states and can very easily get a "feel" for who someone is....though I can't always verbalize it right away. Sometimes I feel a "click" when I first meet someone and know that we will be friends eventually (that's what happened when I met my best friend). It's almost like getting a quick outline of who someone is--I don't have all the fine details, but there's an overall sense of who they are as a person.
When someone feels dangerous or unsafe I listen to that now--far too many women are worried about being polite rather than listening to that little voice that's going "DANGER! Back away!" I can tell pretty well when someone is lying or pretending to be someone they're not.

It's nice to be able to "read" people sometimes, but a big downside is that I can get really overwhelmed by someone's emotions. It actually effects me physically, occasionally to the point where I'll get super tired or nauseous feeling or my joints ache. I can't just shake it off, because I feel it so strongly.

Most of the time when I meet a person whose emotional state is off kilter, I don't have to interact with them very much. I can be polite and move on. However when I have to interact on a regular basis with someone whose emotions are very chaotic it's so incredibly draining. It's like constantly getting little electric shocks to MY emotions. I don't know how much that makes sense, so let me try to explain this visually, because that's how I picture it in my mind.
Most people's emotions feel likes this to me:

source: www.wallsave.com

Gentle waves that flow around a person and stay pretty close to them. It might sound new agey, but "aura" is the best word I have to describe this. Most people feel what they're feeling and it doesn't affect those around them too much. It's like everyone is a candle, they each give off a small glow of emotion.

Now someone who is very chaotic emotionally, off balance, not able to process what they're feeling in a healthy way,  in complete denial about their emotional state, or worst of all, someone who needs to foist their feelings onto others for whatever reason, looks likes this in my mind's eye:

source: Wikimedia Commons

And this picture still doesn't quite come across as intense as I'd like. Someone who is chaotic and unhealthy inside, their aura is out of control, it sparks and lashes out, it's like an octopus having a seizure gripping tasers in each tentacle. Instead of a candle flame, it's a forest fire out of control. I feel like I'm constantly getting slapped in the face when I am forced to be around someone like this for any length of time. They aren't doing this on purpose, but it feels very invasive and overwhelming.

And like I said before, usually if I encounter someone like this, I don't have to be around them very long and it doesn't bother me that much. But when I have to be around someone who is both sparking off chaotic emotion while simultaneously sucking away my emotional energy AND can't get away, it's a recipe for mental exhaustion. Seriously it feels like dealing with an emotional vampire! I just want to run away from people like this.

This whole thing has been on my mind lately for a variety of reasons, and partially I wanted to write it down just to sort through it in a logical way for myself. As an intuitive person, I don't naturally think in a linear way and my thoughts tend to come in images rather than words. Also, it can seem a bit "hippie dippie" (even though it's really not) just because the words I have to use to describe all this have some funky connotations in most people's minds. It's just how my brain works though. :)

Searching for something to say

I've pretty much given up blogging regularly for over a year now. Over the years I have started and abandoned more blogs than I care to count. I always start strong, but grow discouraged and give up. I'll read the stuff I've posted from a while back and be amazed at what I've written. Was that really me? I typed that insight with such clarity? Where did I find the words? It's like reading the musings of a different person. I feel so inept at conveying what's in my head. I look back at those old posts and marvel...wondering from what depths I drew.

And then there's always something in me that says I don't have anything worth sharing anyways. That my voice is not unique. That I am merely throwing my words out into the wind of the Web with no impact. So even if I come up with something particularly insightful, who will actually read it? Like a grain of sand on a beach, who is going to be able to see that one speck amidst all the others? What's the point of putting in the effort?

Also, I'm lazy. I lack motivation to sit down and write. I have every intention of posting something new...but Facebook, DeviantArt, Etsy, some interesting time suck of a site distracts me. And then it's been a week, a month, a year, over a year....and it's been so long why should I even bother?

And yet....there's something else in me that pushes me to write, to hit the "Publish" button, to share my new creation with the world. I put it out there, hoping that maybe someone will come along and read and be changed for the better.

I don't know, but I'm going to try. To struggle to gather my thoughts. To make the effort to write them down. To post something, anything. I don't want to abandon yet another project.